Seleya Hills 90210

Episode One: Azurro

Author’s Notes:

The credit for the title goes to Kevin Thomas Riley, who coined the phrase when we were jokingly discussing the concept of a Vulcan soap opera/sitcom in the TriS forum. It started out as a series of short stories in various word prompt threads – those will reappear in longer form as chapters here.

This universe is deliberately wacky and is mainly meant for comic relief. Characters are more than occasionally acting out of such, so be warned if thou art a canon zealot. Several casualties of the show are still alive and there are some unusual pairings.

I've nicked Shran's name from Rigil Kent’s fantastic Endeavour series.

=/\=

Captain's log, USS Enterprise, January 28th 2166.

Fifteen years of space travel are coming to an end. We have arrived in orbit around Andoria to pick up an old friend who has been appointed to the post of Andorian ambassador to Earth. Delivering him and his wife to Earth will be Enterprise's final journey before the faithful old girl will be turned into a museum. Most of the crew, especially the veterans, will stay planet-side after her decommissioning. Starfleet isn't happy about it, but had they managed to promote some of us more than once in fifteen years things might have turned out differently. Years of war with the Romulans and other species taking pot-shots at us have dampened our enthusiasm. We are lucky that almost all of the remaining original crew members survived the war. Even though Trip managed to get the engines to warp 6 over the years, now that warp 7 is the norm good old Enterprise is getting long in the tooth, and it's time to say goodbye.

=/\=

"Welcome aboard, Shran... and nice to see you again too, Amanda."

"It's a pleasure to see you well, Pink-skin."

"So, did he convince you to take his name yet?" Archer teased Shran's wife.

"No way," she answered with a smirk. "Amanda Cole-th'Zoarhi – nobody would be able to pronounce that without breaking his tongue."

Turning to lead the way, Archer was left with no time to brace for impact before he ended up on the floor. Henry, his son who had just knocked him over, looked at him in shock.

Under the amused scrutiny of Shran and Amanda, Archer scrambled to his feet and looked sternly into the eyes of his offspring, who was joined by an out-of-breath girl of the same age.

"Henry, T'Mir," Archer started. "What did we tell you about chasing each other around the ship?"

"You prohibited it, Uncle Jon," T'Mir answered, looking at her feet with a guilty pout.

"Exactly; and you can see why. Henry, go to your mother and tell her what you did. T'Mir, you'll go with him. She'll decide on a suitable punishment."

"That means extra meditation, again," Henry mumbled to T'Mir dejectedly, and took her by the hand. The two children trundled off to face the music.

"Uncle Jon?" Amanda asked with a grin.

"Not really, but they call all of us uncle or aunt. The blond she-devil is T'Mir, Trip and T'Pol's daughter, and the truck that ran me over is my son Henry."

"He has pointy ears," Shran noticed with a wrinkled brow. "Does that mean you also married a Vulcan?"

"T'Pau," Jon confirmed.

"You got married to the former Vulcan first minister?" Shran asked in disbelief.

"Long story, and there'll be plenty time to tell it. Why don't you join us for our beer-bash in the Captain's mess at 1800?"

"I don't want to leave Amanda all alone for the evening," Shran refused.

"She won't be alone," Archer replied and turned to Amanda. "When Hoshi got the news that we'll be giving you a ride to Earth, she was thrilled to have a new addition to the weekly ladies dinner. She'd be happy if you joined them."

"Ladies dinner?" Amanda asked.

"Yep, while we guys have our weekly bacchanalia, our wives meet for other, usually more civilized activities. I think today's program is an Andorian dinner, so you should feel right at home. Talas has been waiting for her chance to show off her cooking skills."

"Talas?" Shran wondered at the mentioning of his former tactical officer.

"Got hitched to Malcolm Reed a year after Trip and T'Pol's wedding."

"And he's still alive?" Shran wondered.

"Surprisingly, yes," Archer laughed as they arrived at the guest quarters. "He isn't my security chief for nothing, but he can tell you in person tonight. Let's get you settled in, shall we?"

=/\=

"Evening, chaps," Malcolm quipped as he entered the Captain’s mess. "Hello, Shran. Nice to see you again."

"Nice to see you, too. I heard some very interesting news..."

"I'm sure you did," Malcolm answered with a grin, mustering the attendance. "Where's Kov?"

"In sick bay," Trip answered. "He was doing some experiments today and made the grave mistake of asking T'Mir and Henry to assist him."

"He teaches physics at our school," Archer explained, noticing Shran’s confused expression.

"You have a school on the ship?"

"We have 20 kids aboard," Archer answered with a chuckle. "We're a fertile bunch ever since Phlox managed to combine human and Vulcan or Andorian genomes."

"How did they put Kov into sick bay?" Malcolm asked.

"They were experimenting with spring scales, and Kov asked T'Mir to apply exactly one Newton of power."

"I can see where that's going," Malcolm smirked. Everybody knew T'Mir's less than successful attempts at controlling her immense strength, which was unusual even for a non-hybrid Vulcan child.

"Yep," Trip continued. "She yanked that thing down to the tilt and let go. The weight hit Kov square in the face and knocked him out cold."

"Is he badly injured?" Travis asked.

"It speaks!" all the men except Shran shouted, and started laughing. Travis just rolled his eyes at Enterprise's most senior joke and joined the laughter.

"No, just a concussion and the mother of all black... or rather green... eyes," Trip explained. "But I don't think he'll ask these two for assistance again any time soon."

"They seem to be dangerous," Shran noticed while pouring out Andorian ale which he had brought for the occasion. "I saw them knocking over Archer today. So they maimed a Vulcan and knocked over the Pink-skin all in one day?"

"Yep. Was a quiet one today," Trip quipped, causing Shran to look at him in surprise.

"I think the record stands at 4 casualties a day," Malcolm clarified.

"Yeah," Trip recounted with a laugh. "First I was stupid enough to take them on a tour of engineering. Henry prodded an open EPS relay that Anna was working on and the thing blew up, sending me flying over the railing. That was their first kill of the day."

"Later they started a pillow fight," Jon continued, equally laughing.

"With T'Pol's meditation cushions," Trip butted in. "One of which hit T'Pol square in the face when she came home to check on them. She was caught off-guard and landed on her butt in a crowded corridor. No injuries, but her motherly dignity was seriously dented," he finished as all started to laugh again.

"Then there was the attempt on the life of the tactical officer," Malcolm said in a mock dramatic tone.

"Oh, yeah. They decided to 'play engineer' and disassembled and reassembled Henry's remote controlled model of Enterprise," Jon remembered.

"Needless to say they had some parts left after reassembling it," Trip continued, grinning. "One of them was the gyro-stabilizer. When they tested it, they of course lost control and smashed it into Mal's face just as he came 'round the corner."

"That was one helluva black eye," Travis remembered.

"It speaks!"

"Last victim of the day was poor Hoshi," Jon continued.

"Oh, dear," Malcolm said with a chuckle. "Henry had a new com device that he'd nicked from T'Pau's desk and turned it on when he walked onto the bridge without permission. It wasn't calibrated yet and it caused a hideous feedback in Hoshi's ear-piece. She had tinnitus for two weeks."

Shran looked around, antennae twirling in surprise as the pink-skins obviously found such hazardous antics amusing.

"Given half a chance, those two would break everything. But hell, we all love 'em to bits," Trip explained.

"And they're an item, that's for sure," Malcolm added.

"An item?" Shran asked.

"In ten to twelve years, those two are going to get married," Trip supplied and started chuckling. "When you'd ask them about when they started dating, they'll probably say 'when we were two'."

"They've been inseparable since earliest childhood," Malcolm explained further.

"At least it spares me the betrothal stuff," Trip continued. "Shortly after the kid's births both T'Pol and T'Pau were on the tradition trip. Must be some post-natal thing, considering they didn't go much by tradition themselves, both their husbands being humans and all. But before the two moms could put their plan into practice the kids had taken things in their own hands."

Everyone laughed at that, while Shran refilled the glasses with a fresh round of ale.

"How come the children were born at the same time? I thought Vulcans can only conceive every seventh year?" Shran asked.

"The magic skills of our good doctor," Malcolm explained vaguely, pointing in Phlox's direction.

"Thank you, Malcolm," Phlox added, flattered. "But I merely managed to synthesize the virus which affected T'Pol during the second year of our mission, so we now can induce the necessary condition at will."

"Don't sell yourself short, Phlox," Archer replied, twisting his face after downing his ale. "Have you any idea how long the waiting list at the Vulcan medical compound in San Francisco is? You'll probably get filthy rich just by making some Vulcan women go all swivel-eyed."

"He also managed to combine Andorian and Human genomes, and you only need one Andorian," Malcolm added. "So if you and Amanda ever think of spawning..."

"Will you get a new ship?" Shran asked Archer, ignoring Malcolm's quip. Four-way marriage had always been a sore topic between him and Amanda, but this was not the place to let his renewed hope for offspring show.

"No. Pretty much all of us have family now, so we're staying dirt-side when they put the old girl on a plinth," he explained with a melancholic view at his captain’s mess.

"All of you have family?" Shran asked.

"Yeah. T'Pol and I, Jon and T'Pau," Trip started to list the pairings. "The sun-tanned wallflower over there got hitched to Hoshi."

Everyone followed Trip's glance to Travis and the men started laughing.

"Kov and Anna Hess married last year," Trip continued. "Malcolm and Talas had their wedding together with Jon and T'Pau. Was probably the wildest party in the history of Enterprise. Never saw a Vulcan drunk before. Both T'Pol and T'Pau passed out on Rostov's hideous samogon stuff."

"Don't remind me," Jon replied with a groan, holding his head as if he was nursing a massive head ache. "That stuff can give Shran's ale a run for its money."

"Samogon?" Shran asked.

"Self-made Russian vodka," Archer clarified. "I would offer you a taste, but Rostov's wife T'Lara threatened to nerve-pinch him into the middle of next week if he ever produced that stuff again. If T'Pau's first few days after our wedding are any indication, a Vulcan hangover is a wee bit more inconvenient than a bit of a headache and an upset stomach.

"Another Vulcan? Are there any of you who married within the same species except him?" Shran laughed, pointing at Travis.

"Well, Soval did," Malcolm chuckled. "He married V'Lar two years ago. But that's about it. We're a colourful bunch."

"Apparently," Shran consented with a grin.

"And with you, it just got a bit more colourful," Malcolm added, downing the next ale, followed by a twisted face and a rather healthy burp. "Not even counting the better supply of booze."

=/\=

"Hi, girls," Hoshi quipped cheerily as she entered Trip and T'Pol's spacious cabin where the ladies’ dinner was staged.

As the host of the evening, Talas answered the greeting and showed Hoshi where to sit.

"Nice that you could make it," Hoshi said, smiling into Amanda's direction.

"From what I've heard I should have brought a helmet, though," Amanda smiled back with a thumb pointing at T'Mir and Henry, who were playing – surprisingly quietly - in a corner of the cabin.

"Their quota of destruction and injury has hopefully already been met for today," T'Pol explained.

"How come they are so... um... destructive?" Amanda asked back. "They seem like nice kids."

"They are," T'Pau supplied. "Unfortunately T'Mir possesses an unusual physical strength, even by Vulcan standards, and she often fails to factor it into her decisions."

"I've heard you're going to teach sports at Seleya High?" Anna Hess asked.

"Yes," Amanda explained. "All the Andorian staff send their children there."

"As do we," Hoshi continued with a wicked grin. "So you'll have T'Mir in your sports class."

"Engaging her in non-contact activities would be strongly advisable," T'Pau provided helpfully. "Her latest attempt at doing otherwise led to... unfortunate results."

"Please tell," Anna grinned.

"Malcolm is training Henry in a human martial art called boxing. As is her habit, T'Mir accompanied him to observe the practice and expressed a desire to try it herself."

All eyes turned to Talas when the Andorian woman started to laugh. T'Pau and T'Pol raised a knowing eyebrow.

"So that's where he got the black eye from," Talas giggled. "He wouldn't tell me."

"It is understandable that his 'male ego' did not allow him to divulge that he was struck to the ground by a 9 year old female with leather gloves," T'Pol remarked dryly.

"You said it is her habit to watch him practice. Do they do everything together?" Amanda asked, noticing that when talk was about either of the kids playing in the corner, the other one was inevitably mentioned as well.

"Yes," T'Pol explained with a slight nod. "Both myself and T'Pau had agreed that a betrothal was a logical course of action once they were of the appropriate age, but they obviously came to the same conclusion at a much younger age."

Amanda looked at them in surprise. "They are way too young."

"Tell them that," Hoshi giggled back. "They've been one heart and one soul since the day they stopped soiling their diapers."

"Never thought of Vulcans as romantics," Amanda smiled.

"Half-Vulcan," T'Pol corrected, glancing at the playing couple with motherly pride. "Their fathers’ genes might have something to do with it. It took me years to grasp the human concept of romance that Trip is so interested in. Obviously our children did need much less time."

"T'Mir, Henry, I believe it is time to retire," T'Pol addressed the children.

With surprisingly little protest, the children followed T'Pol into the adjacent cabin, which was T'Mir's.

"Do they already have joint quarters?" Amanda asked in a mixture of surprise and giggle.

"No, but they usually spend the night together in one cabin when our husbands have their weekly congregation, as they tend to inebriate themselves at times," T'Pau explained. "Most likely the prospect of a... 'sleep-over' was the reason for the missing protest against having to retire. I shall stay here for the night while the men recover from their likely intoxication in our quarters."

"And with Shran in the mix this time, they will be sodding drunk," Talas added with amusement.

"Your hubby is rubbing off on you, Talas," Hoshi grinned and uncorked a bottle of wine. "It's not the first time you use British phrases."

"We've been married for almost 10 years," Talas answered with a shrug.

=/\=

"So," Shran prattled. "How did you end up marrying my former First?"

"Well, I think we hit off immediately when you guys saved our sorry arses in the Expanse."

"Yeah, she sabotaged my ship," Archer added with mock indignation.

"But she did it skilfully and we found out in time," Malcolm replied.

"Admiddit," Trip babbled. "You was hicked..., no..., hooked the moment she came into the mess hall..."

"If you say so..."

"Whish one of you is Reed?" Trip mocked, remembering the first ever meeting of the two in Enterprise's battered mess hall. "You like your women all bossy, admiddit..."

"Hey, we can have a nice evening and still do martial arts practice," Malcolm defended himself, while accepting a refill from Shran. "I like that in a woman."

"So, did you propose or she?" Shran asked.

"She'sh blue, whaddaya think," Trip butted in.

Seeing Shran's knowing grin, Malcolm added: "Saying no did not sound like a good idea at the time."

"And you? How did you convince the Vulcan first minister to have you?" Shran asked while refilling Archers glass.

"Was her idea," Jon explained. "She sort of took a liking to me when we hiked through the desert. When the war started, she was sort of bummed when the High Council pressed her to stay neutral. So she just quit the job and joined our crew."

"Where'ss you gonna live Shran?" Trip slurred.

"We've been assigned a residence in an area called 'Seleya Hills'."

"Welcome to the neighbourhood," Malcolm laughed. "We are all going to live there."

Everyone watched Trip stand up and stagger towards the couch.

"You crashin' here?" Jon asked.

"Yeah. T'Pol jus' send a message," Trip babbled, waving his com-PADD. "Kids're staying with the ladies."

With a loud "oomph" he landed on the sofa and was out cold.

"Can't hold his ale?" Shran asked.

"He can give you a run for your money on any day," Malcolm answered. "But he worked 36 hours straight to get the engines in shape. His pride didn't allow him to give our old girl back in less than pristine condition."

"Ti prav alksh, s tebya botylka," Rostov added in his native language, before switching back to English. "That engine is in better condition than it was when we shipped out."