Yeah, That Never Happened...

Title: Yeah, That Never Happened...
Author: MaryContrary
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Humor

Disclaimer: Characters, settings, etc...all belong to Paramount, not me. So this isn't fault. Srsly.
Summary: Deanna couldn't possibly be serious...

*****

"Here we go." Archer said to Trip, his tone confident. Ready. This would probably prove interesting, in fact…

"Come in." He called out.

Sub-commander T'Pol entered the room, sparing the human on the couch only a short glance before presenting herself and her orders to the Captain of the vessel.

"This confirms that I was formally transferred to your command at 0800 hours." She said. "Reporting for duty."

Archer accept the PADD, looking it over while she waited at ease.

And…what was that smell?

She sniffed, twitching her nose a bit at the pungency…Oh. Of course. The other one, behind her…probably assessing her form…

"Is there a problem?" Archer asked.

"No, sir." She replied, blinking slowly.

It wasn't really relevant and…well, humans were so easily offended. It would surely be misinterpreted as an indictment of the man's personal hygiene…

"Oh, I forgot." Archer realized, glancing over at Porthos. "Vulcan females have a heightened sense of smell. I hope Porthos isn't too offensive to you…"

Ah, yes. She would let that assumption stand. It wasn't necessary to correct him to remain…honest.

"I've been trained to tolerate offensive situations." She explained, vaguely enough.

There. Nicely avoided.

"I took a shower this morning." The one behind her announced. Smirking, from the sound of it.

"How about you, Captain?" He asked.

T'Pol wondered for a moment if he was somehow aware that his scent…but, no. How could he?

"I'm sorry." Archer said, as he seated himself, barely pretending an apology. He clearly found the man's behavior humorous.

"This is Commander Charles Tucker the third." He said, introducing them. Which seemed intended to deflect from any perceived offense. Entirely unnecessary, of course.

But...there were three like this one? That was quite interesting…

"Sub-Commander T'Pol." The Captain said, introducing her then. The other man stood, making his way over with exaggerated ease.

"Trip." He said, "I'm called Trip."

…and extending his hand.

T'Pol sighed. Internally, of course. She had only reported for duty less than half a minute ago. Already she was confronted with…this. A challenge to conform with human social customs, entirely in contradiction to her own.

But she was well prepared. These humans would find her quite up to the challenge.

She took the man's hand, shaking it firmly exactly as she'd practiced…

…except…something unusual…

Trip jerked suddenly, snatching his hand away from the strange sensation…

"Hey! What…?" He exclaimed.

Both of them stared in surprise at the space between them…where their hands had met…

Archer was on his feet, instantly alert and concerned.

"What happened?" He demanded.

"I…I dunno." Trip stuttered. He was confused, glancing between she and Captain Archer, seeking some clue…

T'Pol was still staring at her hand…

"Sub-commander?" Archer inquired.

"I…" She began. "Excuse me. I was unprepared…"

"Unprepared for what?" Archer demanded.

She stared at the other man. The enticingly aromatic 'Trip' person…

"It seems…" She hesitated.

She collected herself abruptly. Squaring her shoulders, eliminating the inappropriate emotional expression on her face. Standing at ease again, properly composed.

"It seems we have bonded." She observed.

"What…bonded?" Trip exclaimed.

"A mating bond." She explained, calmly…then dabbed at the sudden perspiration forming on her forehead.

"And…" She noted, calmly, "…this has apparently triggered an early onset of pon'farr."

"What…pon'farr?" Archer exclaimed.

"Yes." She said distractedly, already busy assessing the durability of the furnishings in the room.

"Excuse me, Captain. I'm afraid I must ask you leave." She announced, "I will require the use of this office…and Commander Tucker…for the next several days…"

"What…my office?" Archer exclaimed.

"Yes, Captain." She said. "For the purposes of mating. Additionally, I would request you supervise delivery of meals and…"

"What…mating?" Trip exclaimed.

T'Pol sighed. Outwardly this time.

Really, these humans did not seem to respond well to the unexpected. Better to take things in hand herself…

"If you will excuse me, Captain." She said, already pushing him towards the door.

She was growling a bit, she noticed. Perhaps she should proceed quickly, then.

With a shove the Captain was through the door, colliding with the wall of the corridor beyond. She triggered the hatch closed immediately…locking it.

Beyond the door, faintly…

"…porthos…!"

T'Pol turned. Her lip already twitching into a snarl, chest heaving. Sweating openly…and a perfectly obvious predatory gleam in her eye…

Trip gawked…stepping back unconsciously…his heel colliding with the short couch he'd just vacated…

"Oh, God…" He huffed, terrified…

*****

Commander Riker tapped the pause bar on the control panel. The scene froze, with T'Pol hanging mid-air…having just leapt…

He turned to Deanna, expectantly. "You see what I'm talking about now?" He asked.

She was staring, open-mouthed. "I…wha …" She stuttered.

Closing her eyes to the scene, shaking her head to clear it a bit…she tried again.

"Alright…wait a moment…" She said, holding one hand up, demanding a halt. "Where did you come across this again?

"Like I said, when I ran the simulation before…" He frowned. "I noticed a few things here and there that didn't quite add up. But I didn't think much of it at the time…then it started to bug me…"

"So you went looking for…" She fumbled. "And you found…"

"This. For starters." He said, pointing at the scene. "And there's more."

"More?" She asked, surprised.

"It's obviously been tampered with…" He concluded.

"Wait a minute." She insisted. "You said yourself Data couldn't find any sign of tampering…"

"Well, how do you explain this then?" He insisted, gesturing at the Vulcan woman leaping to…well…devour the poor human engineer.

"The simulation is marked as authentic, William." She argued. "Exactly was it was inscribed into…"

"Deanna!" He exclaimed. "You can't believe this actually happened!"

She bit her lip…considering…

Riker threw his hands up at that.

"Fine." He said. "Watch this…"

He tapped the control panel, jumping to the next scene he'd marked.

*****

T'Pol's quarters this time. Commanders Tucker and T'Pol there together…on her bed.

"Three centimeters on either side of the fifth vertebrae." She said over her should, already removing her top. "You can apply considerable pressure."

Trip seemed out of his depth, unsure. It was a pretty weird situation, after all.

"I'm not sure which of these is…" He said.

But he took a guess and pressed…

"Right there." T'Pol affirmed.

"Right here?" He asked.

Really? Huh, got it in one. Go, Trip.

"A little closer together." She corrected.

Oh, okay…there…

"Harder." She insisted. "Harder."

Sheesh, he was already pressing pretty hard…

"If I push any harder I'll knock you over." He warned.

But he pushed anyway. Didn't want to bruise her but…she'd insisted…

"Just like that." She affirmed, a little breathlessly. "Please continue…"

Tension built…quickly, higher and higher…until…she shivered, slumping slightly…

Sighing…

Okay…what the hell…?

"That was far more effective than a hypospray." She slurred, trying to cover her reaction.

Trip wasn't fooled, though. He knew when…

…or at least, it sure seemed like…

"Did…did you just…?" He asked, uncertainly.

"Again, Commander." She directed. Her voice strong and clear again. And…perhaps…a little eager…

"Three centimeters on either side of the fifth vertebrae." She repeat. "As before."

"Again?" He asked.

What, twice?

Well…okay…

He pressed again…got it this time, right on the dot, first try…

...

Much later…

"Again, Commander." She said.

"T'Pol…" Trip whined. "That's twenty two times already. When are we gonna get to me?"

"My condition requires a significantly greater level of intervention, Commander." She chastised.

"Yeah, but…come on…" He argued.

"As I recall, you were extremely averse to having the procedure performed on you…" She pointed out.

"Well, yeah." He grumped. "But…my fingers hurt…"

"Whining is not becoming, Commander." She insisted. "Again, three centimeters to either side. Please attempt to apply more pressure this time…"

Trip began to whimper…

*****

Riker tapped the bar again. Folding his arms, he turned smugly to face Deanna.

There. Argue with that…

But she looked dubious. Squinting…contemplating…

"Oh, you've got be kidding me!" Riker exclaimed. "You can't possibly believe…!"

"Well, William…" She argued, patiently. "If I understand the procedure, I'm sure several applications may have been required…it's possible that…"

"Deanna…!" He said, amazed.

Was she joking? She couldn't possibly be serious!

"Okay, fine." He said, suddenly. She was really starting to make him mad. "I've got one here…no way this happened…"

He tapped the bar, jumping ahead again…

*****

The planet Vulcan. Commander T'Pol, dressed richly in purple. A ceremony of some sort…kneeling opposite a Vulcan male, their hands extended, fingers touching…

In the background, Commander Tucker watched amidst a crowd of Vulcan observers…

"What ye are about to witness comes down from the time of the beginning without change." The priest droned on. "This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way…"

"Kali farr!" Trip shouted suddenly, startling just about every Vulcan there.

And probably any within a mile of the place as well.

Including T'Pol, who turned to stand, staring at him…extending her hands openly from her sides, one eyebrow raised…an unmistakable, universal gesture…

What the hell, Trip?

Trip shuffled in place, unsure of himself. Shrugging apologetically.

"Well, I…" He stuttered. "Sheesh, T'Pol! I had to speed read through that book you gave me all night! It wasn't exactly clear on when I was supposed to say that…"

"Because you were not supposed to, Trip." She informed him. "That is for me to say."

Trip blinked. "Oh…oh, I thought…"

T'Pol frowned slightly. "It would have been more appropriate to wait a little longer…"

"Ah, jeez, T'Pol." Trip winced. "I'm sorry…I…"

"T'Pol." The priest interrupted, speaking in Vulcan now. "Do I understand you have invoked your right of challenge?"

T'Pol sighed then, eliciting a disapproving look from a few members of both families in attendance.

"Yes." She said. "Although, I must apologize for the inappropriate timing. It seems I have failed to instruct my champion adequately concerning his role here."

"Very well." The priest replied. "We will relocate to the place of challenge now."

Clapping his hands twice, the priest had both families scurrying in that direction without pause.

"Okay, what?" Trip asked, frowning. He hadn't understood any of that and now people were running every which way…

"It is not important, Trip." T'Pol assured him, stepping closer. "Are you certain you are prepared?"

Trip snorted. "Oh, yeah. Already took my trioxin, got plenty of water…he's just an architect, T'Pol. I can take this guy."

"He is considerably stronger…" She worried.

Trip smiled, putting one hand gently to her cheek. "Hey…stop worrying, darlin'. He'll probably chicken out anyway."

T'Pol sighed, closing her eyes and holding his hand close. Enjoying his cool touch on her face…hopefully not for the last time…

"If he does not…" She suggested.

"I remember, don't worry." He assured. "Heart's here, where the liver should be…don't go for the groin, that's protected…go straight in, strike first, while he's still working his way out of all the self-discipline that's holding him back. No problem, darlin'."

T'Pol kissed him passionately then. Suddenly and without warning, overwhelmed with relief from her obviously irrational fears…

*****

Riker hit the bar, stopping the scene.

He was afraid at first to look over his shoulder…he just knew Deanna was going to deny it.

He looked anyway…

Sure enough, she had one finger on her chin. Actually considering….

"Deanna." He groaned. "If that had happened, there'd be some record of it…a Vulcan and a Human…Starfleet officers? It'd be all over the news! For years! In fact, there'd be…"

"He won, right?" She asked, suddenly.

Riker blinked. "Huh?"

"Tucker. He won, right?" She clarified. "Won the challenge, happy ending, all of that?"

Riker stared at her for a moment.

"Well…yes." He said, at last. "I stopped it here because…well, I didn't think you'd want to see all that…"

"Then I can't imagine how that could have happened." She shrugged, shaking her head. "By Vulcan standards, they'd have been married after that."

Finally! She admits it!

"Unless…" She mused, a thought occurring to her.

Oh, come on!

"Unless T'Pol decided to keep it private." Deanna decided. "Which in light of her service to Starfleet, really would make perfect sense. None of the Vulcans in attendance would speak of it, if she asked them not to. They're an extremely private people, after all. And there'd be no record anywhere…at least not publicly accessible…"

"Deanna. Are you pulling my leg?" Riker asked, seriously.

"What?" She blinked. "William, you asked for my opinion here…"

"I can't believe you're just accepting all this!" He argued. "Some of it is completely ludicrous! Do I have to go back and play that first scene again? When they met…for the first time!"

Deanna frowned. "William, really. Consider the facts. The simulation record is marked authentic, quite plainly, which it wouldn't be if someone had tampered with it…and Data couldn't find any sign of tampering in the first place…"

She shrugged. "There's a reasonable explanation for all of this so far…except that first scene, perhaps. But even that was hardly impossible…"

Riker jumped at that.

"Okay…fine!" He said, "Give me your reasonable explanation for this, then."

He hit the bar, jumping ahead to the last scene he'd marked…

*****

Tucker was showing a small group of menacing aliens something on the wall…

"No problem." Trip said, removing a large panel from the wall. "Now, all I need to do is connect this to the relay inside that panel."

Trip reached to remove another panel from the ceiling…but the apparent leader seemed suspicious already.

"Stop." He ordered. "Open it for him." Gesturing to one of his men.

As he removed the panel, the leader warned Trip…in no uncertain terms.

"If there's a weapon in there, you're going to die before your Captain." He snarled.

Once the panel was clear, though… no weapon…no trickery…

"Satisfied?" Trip asked.

"Proceed." The leader snapped. "Hurry up. You're running out of time."

Trip had the two thick tubes in hand already…

"There's just one other thing I need to tell you." He said…then snarled himself. "You can all go straight to hell!"

Snapping the two ends of the tubes together…a brilliant explosion…bodies flying through air, down the corridor…

*****

Riker paused the scene.

With his hands on his hips, he turned to Deanna again. Daring her to argue that one…

She pursed her lips, squinting…trying to come up with something but…yeah…

"Yeah, that never happened." She admitted.

And couldn't hide her grin any longer.

Laughing out loud when the realization dawned on his face…she'd been putting him on the whole time.

Really, William was just too gullible.

How had he sat through that entire simulation without realizing? And it had been Data's idea, after all, not hers. Once he'd realized the simulation Riker had picked wasn't exactly…authentic…

She was already through the arch and gone, though…before it occurred to him to exact revenge on someone. She was pretty sure once he'd had a minute to blow up, he'd figure out Data was the one to go after, not her…

*****

The End.
:D