Missing Scene from E2

Disclaimer: Star Trek names, features and borrowed dialogues are property of CBS/Paramount, all rights reserved. No claims.

Comments: The idea come from a comment by The Middleman on my previous story (Missing Scene from The Forgotten). It is somewhat harsh on T'Pol, but necessary to keep continuity on TnT story.

Acknowledgments: To The Middleman and WarpGirl for the beta-reading.

She experienced fear.

It was not the dread for wound, death or damage feared by the crew during the battle of Azati Prime. It was not the threat of a catastrophic hull breach, when the battle left Enterprise crippled and defenseless in deep space. It was not the horror of possibly losing colleagues, friends or even her recent acquired lover, nor the menaces coming from addiction and withdrawal symptoms from her use of Trellium-D.

Her disciplined Vulcan mind could not counter the fear residing inside of her. 

Her fear was that she would never regain her control. That she might life for the rest of her live without the ability to suppress her emotions, without the ability to read the peace her people strove for.  Dr. Phlox had said the process of restoring her emotion control would be difficult and would take time; she might eventually never control her emotions again. It was logical to admit, her synaptic pathways' changes due to Trellium-D usage might have been enhanced due to her Pa'nar Syndrome effects. 

As improbable as it might be for a Vulcan, she was really afraid. She feared having to depend on another mind, replete with feelings and emotions, to control her own emotions.

She recalled her inability to meditate and rest in the past few days. She knew she was becoming dependent of her lover's presence to find the calm that allowed her to reach her peaceful, void, quiet meditation space. 

She was afraid of having had a full night resting sleep on her lover's arms.  She dreaded of no longer being able to rest alone, to depend on Trip's close presence to put aside all feelings that prohibit her mind of shutting off by night. 

She was afraid of becoming addicted to Trip's presence, to his tender care of her during neuropressure postures or during sexual relations. She feared to have his intruding presence over her core beliefs. 

"I cannot allow this situation to follow on, I need to regain control, to find logic again. Then my mind will be at peace, and I will be able to rest."

She wondered again about the symptoms leading to her restless hours and how it was so easy to rest laying by Trip's side. 

"I am addicted, that's the logical conclusion!" 

The three month long period of using Trellium-D came back to her thoughts. She remembered the pain and helplessness when her supply of Trellium-D had been unavailable. The pain and anguish when she suffered with the withdrawal symptoms. The difficulty of assuming the addiction, first to herself, then to Phlox... Followed by the even greater pain she endured as the drug left her body.

"I cannot endure this again! I need to avoid repeating an addiction process. It is better to stop now, when I am still able to cut off before full addiction."

She had to find the correct course of action. She realized that she had to end her intimacy with Trip. It was the only way. However, she knew he would be extremely confused. Due to their relationship, she knew he would want to stand by her, do anything to help her through her anguish. He would never understand that, this would make everything worse. That she was afraid of depending on him.

She would have to cut all personal ties to him completely. Their close encounters, no matter how rewarding to her soul, should finish. 

Avoiding Trip would be difficult, but if she made it clear she no longer desired a personal relation of any king, he would eventually give up.

"I shall say we shouldn't have intimacy again, that he doesn't need more neuropressure." 

She weighted if she would be able to say it to him. It was not absolutely true that Vulcans don't lie, but she was not acquainted on doing it often.  

 "Maybe he will not perceive that I'm lying."  - it was appropriate that Vulcans don't display openly their emotions, otherwise he would notice that she was telling him just the opposite she wanted.

She wondered on how to proceed. She was almost as disturbed on thinking about it as she was on the night she had seduced him. 

"I shall stress on being uncomfortable in continuing sexual relations with him." 

They have had relations in the last weeks, but, even if both were attracted to the other, there were no open signs of a deep affection. It could be assumed as casual sex between close friends or lonely colleagues during a long mission away from their loved ones. 

"I shall insist on my exploration of human sexuality." 

She became distressed on how recalling that argument would hurt him. He was not comfortable when she used it for the first time; their next sexual encounter was colder than the initial one. It took a few closer sessions to resume normality.

"It will be only a mental wound, will not cause permanent damage. He will find another partner. Probably, he will come back to Corporal Cole for having some close relationship." 

The last thought disturbed her again, she forced her mind to suppress the associated emotion. 

"I must stress on having had sex, not in any romantic entanglement. I might point out that Humans are not able to having casual sex without turning it into a romance." 

That might lead him to believe she didn't desire their relationship to go further on. He would break off. 

"I will need to replay my discomfort for several days, until he forgets me as a close companion." 

Again, she was troubled by telling him so many lies, and troubled also on having to lose her lover. Logic dictated, she needed to do it, her soul argued against it. She recalled  Trip's discomfort three years before, telling her he had read a personal letter sent to her.  She promised herself to come back to him someday, after regaining her own control, to tell him the truth - no matter how deeply that would hurt both.

She decided to proceed, to put in practice her line of reasoning. 

"There is no logic in debating the matter forever, the best medicine to avoid addiction is to cut the drug!"

She prepared himself for Trip's arrival. She was sure he would drop by her quarters at his shift's end. She didn't change her catsuit for the more casual pajamas she usually wore during their neuropressure sessions -  "It shall give him the impression of a non intimate meeting." 

She concentrated himself on the sentences she would say, trimmed them carefully in order to conceal her deep feelings about him. However, she was still disturbed, she felt her anguish.

"I'll need to be strong tonight and the next days. It will require all concentration I can get from my mind." 

She prepared the candles and started meditation. Her sensitive hearing perceived his foot pace in the corridor, as he approached her quarters. She held on, put away the thought of having him embraced on her arms, the thought of appreciating his kisses and caresses. She put on her most impassive expression, the perfect Vulcan mask. She took a deep, long breathe. The chime sounded.

"Come in"  -  she said.

That night, after he left, she couldn't resume meditation. Her sleep was restless.  A disturbing dream of peering into Trip and Amanda Cole naked bodies, making love in his quarters, woke her.

"Can I go on? Will I really have the strength to take him out of my soul?" 

She knew, logic had told her, she had to push him away, but she did not want too.

Alone on her quarters, once more, she cried.