The Whine thread.

[panyasan]

I lived in 北海道 (Hokkaido), Putaro, so long winters (5 months), a very short spring and indeed warm summers. But I don't think it's as warm as Tokyo in August!

And thanks Reanok! Good to hear from you.

Update: the doctor called today - totally unexpected - that he wanted me to know for the weekend started that they did the test and it wasn't malicious!!

[Kotik]

Just looked outside and 5 worms beat the raw crap out of the early bird

[Alelou]

It may be time to sober up, Kotik!

On a not-very-related note -- should I be concerned that during a time of fairly high stress, what I fantasize the most about is going outside and cutting down trees?

[Kotik]

Well it's a good indication to be happy not to be a pupil of yours

Joking aside, many people choose heavy excercize (or however that stuff is spelt) to relieve stress - running, wood chopping or something, so I'd not be too concerned about it.

[Kotik]

You know you're blithering idiot when you re-establish contact with your family after years and your own mother feels a need to hurl verbal abuse at ye the very next day, but only because at 60 years of age she*s too fucking weak to physically abuse you any longer. The passing of Tom felt like a wake-up call to me and I tried to reach out to my parents only for my mother to abuse me the next day. I feel so useless. At least I could see my lovely niece Marlene again. I only saw her the second time in my life and she's already entering school. Why is life so fucking unfair?

[Alelou]

Surely the most random thing in the universe is the family and time and place we're born into (although I suppose believers in karma might see it otherwise). And unfortunately some families are just bad news.

Maybe when Marlene is old enough you can try to establish a separate relationship with her?

[Distracted]

It was a good thought, Kotik. Unfortunately, you can't control your mother's behavior. Your own behavior is the only behavior you can control. If we assume that she's not going to change, I see only two options for getting along with someone so verbally abusive, and both of them involve a change in you.

First, can you tell your mom that her words offend you clearly enough to make her listen to you without yelling or cursing at her? That way, you're modeling for her the non-abusive behavior that you want her to imitate. Maybe she can still learn how to communicate with you in a non-abusive manner if you show her how it's done.

Alternatively, can you change your behavior while you're with her so that you avoid doing the things she finds objectionable even if you don't see anything wrong with doing them? If she can't learn not to abuse you, the only thing you can do is to avoid triggering a negative response by not doing the things she dislikes. It's not the ideal solution, and it's certainly not fair, but if you know what her buttons are, you can deliberately choose not to push them... for short periods of time, at least.

If you can do either of those things (or maybe a bit of both), you might make it possible to spend time with your mother before she's gone. If not, I'm very sad to say that it sounds like it might be best for your mental health to avoid her.

[Kotik]

First, can you tell your mom that her words offend you clearly enough to make her listen to you without yelling or cursing at her? That way, you're modeling for her the non-abusive behavior that you want her to imitate. Maybe she can still learn how to communicate with you in a non-abusive manner if you show her how it's done.

Nope, that won't work. The disturbing thing is that I'm the only one she shows abusive behaviour to. It may sound like a cliché out of a bad sitcom, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was an accident. She never admitted it, but my father told me that she actually wanted to abort the pregnancy. Back in 1974 married women couldn't have an abortion without the husbands consent except for cases of rape. My father objected back then, so she had to carry me to term and I think she lets me know that even after 38 years, because she doesn't behave like that towards my brother, who was a planned child.
5 years ago, when my brother told me that he left my mother and - then one year old - Marlene alone, I nearly died of cardiac arrest having visions of my mother battering the child like she did with me and to some - thankfully lesser extent - with my brother when we were young. But that's the thing, she absolutely dotes on her granddaughter and Marlene absolutely loves her grandma. Which is why Alelou's suggestion wouldn't work either. I wouldn't want to drive a wedge between my mother and my brother's family by establishing a contact to them but avoiding my mother. That would only create problems. As harsh as it sound, but I guess I'll have to wait until she kicks the bucket, before I can re-establish those family links.

At least I still have contact to my father, whome she divorced 30 years ago.

[Cogito]

I don't know what the domestic arrangements are, but if it's logistically possible for you to remain in contact with your brother, sister in law and niece without having to deal with your mother then I'd encourage you to do that. It's not only yourself you have to think about. Don't you think the rest of your family want to stay in contact with you? It must be terrible for them, feeling that they have to pick sides. And this is a unique time for your niece - she will only have one childhood and you only have one chance to be a part of that.

[Alelou]

That's good advice from Cogito.

I'm not sure it was very kind of your father to tell you that about your mother, though if it explains the abusiveness a bit, I suppose it may have helped. Still, it's not something anyone wants to hear.

Your mother could have issues with boys and men that go way further back than your birth (and could explain why Marlene is treated so much better).

If alcoholism or addiction was a factor in your family dynamics growing up, Al-Anon could be a source of help and healing for you.

[Weeble]

Kotik,

unfortunately I am neither a psychiatrist or a psychologist, so I cannot offer any professional advice. I also doubt any of my life experiences give me any qualifications. I am however someone who cares. I find you to possess a nimble mind, and compassion for all. I can understand how SB's passing gave you some urgency to try again to make contact with your mom.
All i can say is that i am willing to listen, ( or read), if you need it. Perhaps it may be well for you to take a hike in the mountains, and just let your thoughts go where they will.

Peace my friend

Weeble

[putaro]

Kotik, for what it's worth, I feel for you. Hang in there and if it helps to share we're willing to listen.

[Alelou]

Are we reversing typical conversational gender roles here? The women are full of advice (which may irritate Kotik, who may just want to vent) while the guys are just offering support...

[Distracted]

Heh. Sorry about that. I guess I'm stuck in doctor mode.

Hang in there, Kotik. We're rooting for you.

[putaro]

I think all the guys are long married - we've been extensively trained on when to not offer advice.