Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

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Shuttlepod 1

Postby putaro » Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:07 pm

OK, I'm out of new TV to watch tonight so time for some snark.

Malcolm and Trip are in a shuttlepod. Apparently they're trying to rendezvous with Enterprise in an asteroid field that Enterprise is supposed to be mapping. Trip is trying to fix the radio while Malcolm is driving with his head out the window trying to read the road signs.

Malcolm is obviously not a sissy because he is reading from a book called Ulysses. And Camp Grenada is ever so entertaining.

And we've found a big blotch on an asteroid. Oh boy, lots of debris. And it looks like parts of Enterprise. The results of one of those "Hey, watch this!" moments apparently. Cue the theme music.

And we switch to Enterprise warping along and Hoshi coming in to update Archer on some Tessians who need boron gas. So there's a mystery in here as to where the wreckage came from and I do not remember what it is. So is my memory faulty or was this just "boron"? We shall see…

Looks like the Tessian's ship blew up and took off a couple of pieces. OK, so much for the mystery. You know, Trip is the Chief Engineer. He should recognize all of the broken pieces.

Archer and T'Pol take a trip in an inspection pod. Those were kind of forgotten in later seasons, weren't they? And the first (only?) mention of Lt Hess, a fan fiction favorite.

T'Pol mentions that they saw some evidence of micro-singularities back at the asteroid field, which Archer puts down as a Vulcan myth. So Vulcans don't believe in time travel and Humans don't believe in micro-singularities. Just wait until they find time traveling micro-singularities and then everyone's head can explode!

Back to Shuttlepod 1 and they're really bummed out and arguing about what to do to leave good looking corpses when the air runs out.

Malcolm thinks he recognizes a blue giant that they passed by. Excuse me while I pull on my Dr. Science hat and get out my soap box. Ahem. The shuttle is not warp capable. Stars are typically light years apart. That means if you're traveling at the speed of light it will take you years to get to one let alone pass it. A shuttlepod at impulse would be at best capable of running around a solar system, not between stars. OK, I'll put the Dr. Science hat away.

Before leaving, pulling out the space suits and searching the wreckage would be a good idea, though, dontcha think guys? Might find some supplies. But that would wreck the rest of the plot…

Malcolm is making a rather morbid log entry and annoying Trip. And it sounds like Malcolm actually understands how fast impulse is while Trip doesn't as Trip is sure they'll run into somebody around the next planet they come across and Malcolm thinks that will be years away. Well, when all else fails, it's time to break for dinner and bourbon.

After dinner Trip is trying to sleep and Malcolm is dictating letters. And this is why I prefer to type, though a clicking keyboard is pretty annoying too. And we move into passive-aggressive sniping and questions to parents light years away. Now we come to the crux of this roommate problem. Malcolm doesn't want to waste oxygen sleeping and plans to party with his recordings instead while Trip has a final in the morning and wants some sleep.

Malcolm wakes up in sickbay with Archer and Phlox. Archer and Phlox exit leaving T'Pol behind who is going to reward Malcolm's heroics in the best way. But this turns out to really be an episode of I Dream of T'Pol as he gets a smile out of her with his new nickname, Stinky. And just as he's about to lock lips with her he wakes up to Trip futzing with the radio.

Hull breech! I guess StarFleet doesn't have a hull repair kit that includes a candle or something to find leaks along with some bubble gum to patch them up so Trip floods the compartment with some nitrogen and Malcolm uses some leftover mashed potatoes to plug the holes. The suspenseful music builds while Malcolm tells Trip they only have two days worth of air left now.

Trip starts reminiscing about Ruby the girl of his dreams and it turns out that Malcolm also knew her, apparently in the biblical sense. Trip and Malcolm decide to turn the cabin heat down to stretch the life support. Malcolm starts shaving and discussing how he's planning to leave a good looking corpse and Trip busts out the old chestnut about your hair and fingernails continuing to grow after death, even claiming he learned this in honors biology. Unfortunately that's not true (http://www.snopes.com/science/nailgrow.asp) so Trip's honors biology course must have been the honors course for kids on the short bus.

On Enterprise, T'Pol is back to normal and telling Archer about micro-singularities hitting Enterprise and the Tessian ship. Archer comes to the correct (wow!) conclusion that those micro-singularities might be giving Trip and Malcolm a tough time so they should give them a call to see how they are. That's not a bad idea, but shouldn'y you be checking in with them like every hour or so?

Malcolm is dictating another Morbid-Gram in the now freezing cold shuttlepod while Trip tries to get the latest score for the Yankees game. After more arguing Trip decides to bust out the booze. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Trip lights off a candle to hasten their demise.

We move into truth-telling mode and the people Malcolm feels closest to are the Enterprise crew so Trip blows out the candle.

A few more parsecs on the Kessel Run and they're pretty blotto but they did manage to find the blankets. Malcolm brings up his dream girl, T'Pol and how he thinks she's pretty. "She's got an awfully nice bum" - a phrase that shall live in infamy.

Hoshi comes on the radio and they're all happy, but the new co-ordinates are two days away, they're out of oxygen and the they can't send on the radio.

They're trying to figure out how to stretch the oxygen supply. You know, one of my pet peeves about a lot of science fiction movies is that as soon as the "life support" switches off everyone starts gasping for breath. In something as big as Shuttlepod 1 they should have a good twelve hours or more of breathable atmosphere, longer if they run the CO2 filters. Anyhow...

Malcolm wants to blow up the engine to get Enterprise's attention and so they do. Now they're shivering and running out of air so Trip's going to go lock himself into the airlock. More bonding over phase pistols.

Malcolm wakes up in Sick Bay again with Archer, Phlox and T'Pol. This time T'Pol's not warming Stinky up for his heroics so it must be real.

Hmmm…well, a lot of screen time to get Malcolm and Trip to be buddies without much going on. I think it needed more explosions or T'Pol nookie. It was so static the wasn't much room for snark. I'll give it an OK.
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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby Alelou » Thu Nov 13, 2014 1:38 am

Eh, I enjoy this one, but your snarky points are well taken.
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Fusion

Postby putaro » Sat Sep 19, 2015 6:22 am

OK, well, this has been a rather long hiatus. But it’s time to get back to the snarkfest! Tonight’s episode: Fusion (Season 1, Episode 17)

Enterprise is on the way to the Arachnid Nebula and Archer is boring T’Pol with his childhood astronomy book when a ship using a Vulcan frequency shows up. Wow, friendly Vulcans!

Apparently being friendly lowers your IQ considerably because these Vulcans are running around in a broke-down ship and don’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s all the meat, cuz Captain Tavin has come to dinner and is partaking of the chicken despite T’Pol’s stinkeye. Chicken is a good meat to try because, hey, everything tastes like chicken right?

Tavin and his crew have spent the last eight years running around in a space ship exploring not space but themselves. I wonder if they dropped by Burning Man and hung out with all the other hippies? T’Pol labels them as V'tosh ka'tur, Vulcans without Logic or, as we Humans call them, Vulcans you might want to invite to a party. Except for Tolaris, of course, but we’ll get to that later.

Down in Engineering Trip is talking engineering at Kov but Kov is mainly interested in the women. Dude, just wait another eighty years for the StarFleet regulation mini-skirt.

T’Pol is discussing the requests from the Vahklas which includes the recipe for chicken marsala - not real useful without some chicken, though, is it? Archer tries to make a funny and T’Pol gives him more than the usual amount of stinkeye. Archer talks up the v’tosh ka’tur and T’Pol tells him “Just because they smile and eat chicken doesn’t mean they’ve manage to master their emotions.” Now, if they can learn how to play the harmonica they might be onto something.

T’Pol is in the mess hall by herself when creepy Tolaris shows up. He asks her how to operate the drink dispenser and when she asks him what he would like he seems to be spending his time checking out her rack under the pretense of looking in her mug. She gives him a mug of what she’s having, mint tea. Oooh, spicy! Tolaris calls T’Pol out on her racy tastes. And her sense of humor. After a bit of negging (Tolaris has been taking the correspondence course on being a pickup artist, though he has obviously not been sharing with Kov) and an offer of pizza Tolaris does manage to get T’Pol to offer to eat with him some other time.

Archer is on the bridge and Malcolm is asking him if the nebula is as he imagined it. “PIctures don’t do it justice,” says Archer, looking at the big screen TV on the front of the bridge. Enterprise will take several weeks to do a survey but the good ship Zhar Mashuk can do it with their thingamabobbies much quicker. T’Pol is sent over to to monitor the sensors.

Inside the Tardis, excuse me, Vahklas, Tolaris and T’Pol are monitoring the sensors and arguing about Surak. Tolaris tells T’Pol to take a walk on the wild side and not meditate before bedtime. For extra credit, skip flossing too!

On board Enterprise, Kov and Trip are discussing football in the mess hall. I guess someone will be staying up late making corrections to the Vulcan Wikipedia. Trip starts pumping Kov for info on Vulcan birds and bees causing Kov to blurt out “Ah, you mean sex!” in a loud voice. Cue Malcolm who’s just a little possessive after his little sojourn with Trip in Shuttlepod 1. According to Kov, the V’tosh Ka’tur have apparently been working on ways to accelerate the mating cycle, Vulcans must have damn good spam filters if they haven’t heard about herbal viagra yet.

Admiral Forrect calls Archer to get Kov to call home and talk to his dying father. Now, this does beg the question - How did the Vulcan High Command know what was going on?

T’Pol blows out a candle and goes to bed without meditating, leading to her dreaming about wanders the streets of San Francisco in a hijab, listening to atonal jazz and having sexy times with Tolaris. That is, until all this illogical behavior makes the baby Surak cry, er, fall off the shelf.

The next morning T’Pol is seeing Phlox and vulcansplaining to him about how she needs to be treated for her headache and he tells her to stop googling for her symptoms. After a bit more explanation from her, though, he agrees with her and gives her a shot of inaprovaline, saying it will fix her right up. Paging Dr Jacobson!

Kov visits Archer in the Ready Room where Archer informs him that his father is dying and that today’s special is long distance calls to Vulcan. Kov is having none of it, though, since the last time he spoke to his father he was told that he made the baby Surak cry and brought shame to fifteen generations of the family (Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother T’Pasties, though, she would have been OK with him).

Morning on the Vahklas is now starting with chamomile tea. Tolaris get T’Pol to explain her dream and sneaking out of the convent, sorry, compound, late at night to go to a jazz bar. Tolaris encourages her to explore more of the dark side.

Down in Engineering, Archer is leaning on Trip to get Kov to call home. “Damn it Trip, if we don’t make our quota for long distance calls this month we won’t get the free vacation on Risa!” Archer moves on to whining about T’Pol spending too much time with the Vulcans and Trip calls him on it, pointing out that he did encourage her to do exactly that. As usual, Archer is getting what he asked for and not liking it.

In T’Pol’s cabin, Tolaris is talking T’Pol into unsafe mind melding. They explore her memories of San Francisco. That jazz is still pretty atonal. T’Pol wants to leave the memory but Tolaris won’t let her and the rest of this scene is too much of a rape scene to be snarky about.

Down in Engineering Trip is still trying to get Kov to phone home. Maybe you could just make a trail of Reese’s Pieces to the comm station. As chubby as Kov is, food just might be his weak point. Instead Trip goes off on some hokey story about regretting being a wall flower.

Archer is in the Ready Room and has called Tolaris in. After a little forced cheerfulness, Archer lowers the boom on Tolaris about assaulting T’Pol and Tolaris boom booms him into the wall. OK, that’s a phasing. Well, not quite since Archer can’t manage to pull the trigger.

Trip is saying goodbye to Kov and still trying to sell him on the friends and families plan. But it turns out the Kov actually called his father - probably collect like all ne’er-do-well children - and got the news from him that his terminal condition really isn't.

Archer goes to visit T’Pol in her quarters. T’Pol is happy that the V’Tosh Ka’tur are on their way. T’Pol is getting ready to meditate and after getting bounced off the walls by Tolaris, Archer now understands meditation better. Yah Jon, you’d better be glad she usually meditates because if she had stuffed that astronomy book where she wanted to you’d still be walking funny. And we exit with T’Pol meditating and wishing perhaps that she could dream.

Not a lot of action but this is one of the better episodes of season 1 though it is the beginning of their long run of “torture the Vulcan” episodes. I give it four Arachnid Nebulae.
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Re: Fusion

Postby 73Bruin » Tue Sep 22, 2015 9:06 am

putaro wrote:Archer is in the Ready Room and has called Tolaris in. After a little forced cheerfulness, Archer lowers the boom on Tolaris about assaulting T’Pol and Tolaris boom booms him into the wall. OK, that’s a phasing. Well, not quite since Archer can’t manage to pull the trigger.
...

Archer goes to visit T’Pol in her quarters. T’Pol is happy that the V’Tosh Ka’tur are on their way. T’Pol is getting ready to meditate and after getting bounced off the walls by Tolaris, Archer now understands meditation better. Yah Jon, you’d better be glad she usually meditates because if she had stuffed that astronomy book where she wanted to you’d still be walking funny. And we exit with T’Pol meditating and wishing perhaps that she could dream.
Vahklas
Not a lot of action but this is one of the better episodes of season 1 though it is the beginning of their long run of “torture the Vulcan” episodes. I give it four Arachnid Nebulae.


I can't remember, why didn't Archer or T'Pol report Tolaris to the Captain of the Vahklas. Is T'Pol willing to let Tolaris to continue to rape others just to keep her rep clear?

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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby putaro » Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:27 pm

73Bruin wrote:I can't remember, why didn't Archer or T'Pol report Tolaris to the Captain of the Vahklas. Is T'Pol willing to let Tolaris to continue to rape others just to keep her rep clear?


I don't think they said anything about whether they reported it to the captain or why they didn't. If there was a crime, since it happened onboard Enterprise Archer would have jurisdiction and could have thrown Tolaris in the brig.
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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby 73Bruin » Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:32 am

putaro wrote:
73Bruin wrote:I can't remember, why didn't Archer or T'Pol report Tolaris to the Captain of the Vahklas. Is T'Pol willing to let Tolaris to continue to rape others just to keep her rep clear?


I don't think they said anything about whether they reported it to the captain or why they didn't. If there was a crime, since it happened onboard Enterprise Archer would have jurisdiction and could have thrown Tolaris in the brig.


I rewatched the episode tonight to update my memory. You are correct, it was unclear whether the incident was reported to Tavin. However, it pretty clear that Tolaris assaulted both T'Pol and Archer. I guess a case could be made that Archer overlooked the incidents in the interest of interstellar peace or because of his overall distrust of Vulcans (other than T'Pol).

By the way, I haven't read the entire thread, but do your snarky reviews include the logic behind T'Pols french tipped manicured nails? I have always thought that was an overlooked item from the pre-hidef large screen days.

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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby putaro » Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:30 am

73Bruin wrote:By the way, I haven't read the entire thread, but do your snarky reviews include the logic behind T'Pols french tipped manicured nails? I have always thought that was an overlooked item from the pre-hidef large screen days.


I had not noticed those. I will be on the lookout for them.
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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby Alelou » Tue Oct 06, 2015 12:10 am

Oh, I agree. French tips are anything but logical!
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Re: Putaro's Enterprise Rewatch Reviews & Snarkfest

Postby Cogito » Tue Oct 06, 2015 11:48 am

They're probably illogical, but no more illogical than wearing high heeled boots, or lipstick, or listening to jazz, or eating pecan pie, or hanging out with her favorite human. It may even be that she's indulging somebody else who appreciates these things ... 8)


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