The "this made me laugh" thread

[enterprikayak]

The Black Bra (told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . ..
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


you're going to love this . . . . ...

SPOILER!!!:

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Distracted]

My hubby swears that I wouldn't get that response from him. I'm halfway tempted to give it a try and see what happens.

[WarpGirl]

IDK ek I think that you've got the best end of the deal. But since when does Zorro don a bra? I think your hubby is mixing his heroes.

I hope something happens to make me laugh.

[enterprikayak]

WG, *I* have never tried this. Knowing me, my hubs prolly wouldn't miss a beat. He'd just breeze on in and start looking on ebay for guitars or campers.

And Dis: you have try it and report back to us!

[WarpGirl]

Just call me Bones my god I couldn't get any more literal if I was diagnosed with Asbergers..... Someone shoot me please.

[Distracted]

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

[Kevin Thomas Riley]

^ Now that's how you fight frivolous lawsuits!

[WarpGirl]

And that is why I should have been a lawyer! Man I would have had fun with that! For the record, I would have been the insurence company's lawyer...

[Cogito]

Don't you just wish it were true?

[justTripn]

These crack me up every time. These are supposedly from a real court transcripts:

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

AND THIS:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kotik]

This one happened to me on a russian plane 5 years ago. We were flying from Hannover in Germany to Omsk in Siberia. 2 hours into the flight, the meal service began and the FA's made their round asking each passenger "Beef or chicken?" Now this happened when she reached the row in front of us:

FA: "Beef or chicken?"
Pax: "Fish please."

It took me some restraint to not laugh out loud. But then the FA opened a non-descript drawer on her Trolley and took out a fish meal. Now that's the most surreal thing I've ever seen

And another one from a few years ago. My father has a towing service and as part of the service, he always has a few hire cars available for people who break down on the Autobahn. Those hire cars are provided by a big car rental company and they usually deliver a new batch on Saturdays. One saturday they delivered new cars including two of those godawful


Smart City Cars

Neither me nor mom noticed until my dad came storming into the office, grumbling.

mom: "What's wrong?"
dad: "Some kids left their pedal cars on the company yard."
company rep: "Um no, Sir. That's the new Smart cars. We just brought them."
dad: (death glare) "You gotta be kidding me! Do they run on petrol or do they still require milk?"
company rep: (panicked look)
dad: "You better collect this junk and get me some real cars or our customers will start paying us with glass marbles."

Both mom and me were rolling on the floor while the rental rep's scrambled to get him some "real cars".

[WarpGirl]

Well my nephew is addicted to catfood!

[Distracted]

Some classic humor from my neck of the woods. Warning: Cajuns have a pretty sick sense of humor.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decided to go fishing one morning at the pond in back of Boudreaux's house. It was dark and when they reached the pond they realized they wanted to cross to the other side. But they couldn't walk around and had no boat or pirogue to cross in. Thibodeaux turned to Boudreaux and said, "Mais Boudreaux, how in the heck we gonna get across." Boudreaux said, "No problem, I'm gonna shine this here flashlight across the water and you gonna walk on the beam of light all the way across." Thibodeaux then says, "Mais, Boudreaux, you must think I'm stupid or something, cause just when I get halfway across you gonna turn off the light."

One day, Boudreaux and Clotile were riding their boat at Bayou Benoit when they hit a sunken log and the boat overturned. Clotile didn't have a life jacket on, and she drowned. The sheriff and a bunch of neighbors came by to try to find her, but they didn't have any luck. A week passed and Thibodeaux knocked on Boudreaux's front door.
"Boudreaux, I have some good news and some bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first."

"Well, the bad news is that we found Clotile. She drowned. We so sorry for you."

"Well go on, what is the good news?"

"The good new is--when we pull her up, we fill two sacks of big blue point crab."

"Mais, where you put her body?"

"Well, Boudreaux. De first time we did so good with the crabs, we decided to leave her in the water one more day."

Boudreaux decided to go play a game of golf with his good friends Thibodeaux and Guidry one morning. He promised Clotile that he would be home in time for lunch. Well, lunchtime came and went, and no Boudreaux. Mid afternoon came and went, still no Boudreaux. Suppertime passed, and Boudreaux finally shows up about an hour later. Clotile is, of course, just a little bit mad. "Boudreaux, where have you been ? You say you gonna be home by lunch, and here it is dark time, and you jus now gettin' home !" Boudreaux says, "Clotile, don' get on my case. My good fren, Guidry, died on de golf course dis morning." Clotile says, "Oh, Boudreaux, I'm so sorry. I can understan' now; makin' funeral arrangements for your fren, and all. I understan' why you late." Boudreaux says, "Funeral arrangements. What funeral arrangements? It was 'Hit de ball, drag Guidry. Hit de ball, drag Guidry. It took me and Thibodeaux all day to finish the game!"

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday?

Boudreaux: Yeah, it was good!

Thibodeaux: You ate the bird?!

Boudreaux: Of course I ate it.

Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages!

Boudreaux: Then he shoulda said someting!

[Cogito]

Distracted, you have a warped and twisted sense of humour!



So, it seems, do I.

[enterprikayak]

Mais, these are just Québécois jokes with crab-fishing thrown in.