My apologies

[Kotik]

Hi there folks,

A couple of days ago, I made a mistake and read some TnT fiction that stirred extremely bad memories in me. Unfortunately that prompted me to say some things here (in the yowling rant thread), which were grossly inappropriate. One of the persons I attacked was Alelou - a fellow member, who I value very much. I want to express that I'm very sorry for that and hope she'll forgive me. The frightening thing is, I had to reconstruct part of that from my inbox as my memories of the past few days are a bit hazy.

It's hard to talk about, but since 2006 I've been struggling with depression. I was ok for most of 2007-2009, but I've had some relapses in 2010. Realizing, the morning after I went bezerk, that something was badly wrong, I've had myself delivered to a psychiatric clinic yesterday morning. Not that I remember too much of it, since I was hooked up to an IV with some 'magic juice' for about half of the time. Thankfully I was only kept overnight and returned home about two hours ago. I'll have to go back to taking antidepressants, which affect one's clear thinking (about 90 minutes from now I'll be high as a kite as it's time for a new dosage), so my participation in the community will most likely be farther in between as it had up to now as I'll only have about 8-10 'clear-thinking' hours a day for the next two or three months.

I'll start 1-on-1 consultations with a therapist on friday and I hope I'll be back to being myself sometimes, but it'll be a long-ish way.

Cheers, Kotik

[Silverbullet]

Kotik, I applaud your bravery in telling us this. Not many people would be so open about depresssion as some consider it a mental problem worse than it is.

Take your time but keep in touch and come back to us when you are able. We need you, your humor and intelligence.

SB

[justTripn]

Thank you Kotik for your apology. I was kind of afraid the explanation was something like that. I am sorry to tell you that several people were very upset by the outburst, including Alelou and me, but I'm glad you told us what all that was about and the most important thing is your recovery. Please do take care and I'll relay the message to Alelou. Get well soon. You certainly have been through alot lately.

[Cogito]

I too applaud your courage in tackling such a horrible problem head-on. I've very much enjoyed your stories and, although I've only joined the forum recently, your contribution here has been thought provoking and entertaining as well. Look after yourself, and I hope you'll stay in touch with the TS community as far as you're able. I'm holding on to the fond hope that one day you'll tell us what happens next in Trip of a Lifetime, but no pressure. Well, maybe just a tiny bit.

Best wishes,
Pete (Cogito)

[WarpGirl]

[Distracted]

Thank you for being so forthright, Kotik. I'm so glad that you're getting the help you need, and I hope that you'll feel better soon. Check back now and again, okay? Pretty soon we'll have "The Slopes of Andoria" finished for you.

[enterprikayak]

As a fellow taker-of-brain-meds I salute you Kotik. It ain't easy.

Good luck and take it a day at a time.

[Kotik]

Thank you all for your encouraging words.

Thank you Kotik for your apology. I was kind of afraid the explanation was something like that. I am sorry to tell you that several people were very upset by the outburst, including Alelou and me, but I'm glad you told us what all that was about and the most important thing is your recovery. Please do take care and I'll relay the message to Alelou. Get well soon. You certainly have been through alot lately.

Well it's understandable. While I can't remember all exact words, I know what I'm like, when I'm irrational. I'm quite outspoken if I'm feeling fine, so when I'm not in control of all senses, it must've been nasty
You're right, a lot bad stuff happened lately and not only lately, but over the course of all year. They actually think that might have contributed to the hefty relapse

As a fellow taker-of-brain-meds I salute you Kotik. It ain't easy.

Good luck and take it a day at a time.

Thanks ek. The stuff I'm taking is called Mirtazapine. It's actually not as bad as I had feared. It makes me sort of sluggish, but my senses stay decently clear through most of the day. I'm taking it in the late evening, so the most impairing effects are sort of slept off. I was still rather woozy in the morning, but by 10am, I was decently alert after that, just slow and tired - the sedative effect doesn't go away over the day. Gives me some hope that I can continue writing, but I'm afraid it will take longer and my beta will have a helluva lot more work to do as I'm sure I will be making even more mistakes than before.

[enterprikayak]

Thanks ek. The stuff I'm taking is called Mirtazapine. .

Isn't that the one with all the weird/lucid dreams?

[Kotik]

Thanks ek. The stuff I'm taking is called Mirtazapine. .

Isn't that the one with all the weird/lucid dreams?

I don't know. Wikipedia says yes, but I wouldn't take that as a reference concerning a serious medicine. I've only experienced two nights sofar with that stuff in my system and haven't experienced any weird dreams. Many other of the side effects described on the wikipedia page apply though. I've experienced most of them.

[panyasan]

Hi Kotik, we all are fragile people and depression is a dark place to be. Hope you get the help you need.