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STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
"Operation: NOT!"
A parody of the popular television series by Angus Wong (angus@hkstar.com)
Are you sick of the smooth and flawless operations of the Enterprise? Are you sick of the convenient disasters and malfunctions that give the show its dramatic appeal? Well, here's what happens between the shows, stuff that you don't see…
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Captain's Log 12345.6 - We are on route to the nearest Starbase for a maintenance checkup. There are no scheduled missions, otherwise. No important alien guests to transport, and no ongoing experiments with the ship's computer. In short, there is absolutely nothing to do.
Bridge
Picard: "Number One, you have the bridge."
Riker: "Aye sir."
Captains' Quarters
Picard: "Tea, Earl Gr-" [reconsiders] "Water, four degrees"
[water materializes]
Picard: "Ahhhhhh."
[Picard goes to his bed, picks up a copy of Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, reconsiders, puts it aside, and goes to sleep]
Picard: "Computer, lights off."
Sickbay
Crusher [attending a patient]: "Now that should take care of it."
Patient: "Thank you Doctor." [leaves]
[Crusher goes to her medical workstation and turns it off]
Crusher: "I think I'll find something else to do."
[Crusher leaves]
Engineering
LaForge: "Data, are you registering anomalous readings from the dilithium containment chamber?"
Data: "No Geordi. Are you?"
LaForge: "Me neither."
Data: "Oh."
Bridge, battle stations
Worf: "Commander, sensors are picking up a large vessel decloaking off the starboard bow."
Riker: "Can you identify it, lieutenant?"
Worf: "One moment… it is Romulan."
Riker: "Red alert, full stop. Hail them, Mr. Worf."
Worf: "Channel open."
Riker: "This is commander William Riker of the Federation starship Enterprise. How can we be of help?"
Tomalak: "Ah, commander. We meet again. In the neutral zone."
[Riker pauses for a moment, then replies]
Riker: "We are NOT in the neutral zone… Tomalak."
Tomalak: [turns and consults aides] "I am DEEPLY sorry COMMANDER. It APPEARS that I have made a SMALL mistake." [and as a parting shot] "I look forward to our NEXT encounter. And it will BE in the neutral zone…"
[Romulan ship cloaks and leaves]
Riker: "What?! Not even a token phaser shot?"
Worf: "The Romulans HAVE no honour."
Riker: "Lieutenant, fire photon torpedo at last registered location of Romulan vessel."
[photon torpedo launched … disappears into the distance]
Worf: "Damn. Cancel alert. Ensign, continue course."
Ensign: "What?"
Riker: "CONTINUE THE COURSE TO THE STARBASE, DAMMIT!"
Ensign: "Oh, OK. Course set and engaged."
Riker: [pauses] "Did I TELL you to engage?"
Ensign: "No, sir:"
Riker: "Arrgh. Never mind. Forget it."
Engineering
LaForge: "Data, are you SURE you're not registering anomalous readings?"
Data: "Yes, Geordi. I am certain of that fact."
LaForge: "Hmmmm."
Captain's Quarters
Intercom: "Captain, we have arrived at Starbase 321."
Picard: "Out damned spot!"
Intercom: "Captain?"
Picard: "Oh yes, sorry Will. I was just dreaming."
Intercom: Yes captain."
Picard: "I'll be on the bridge shortly. Picard out."
[Picard gets out of bed, gets up, walks to the bathroom to relieve himself, and on the way trips and falls onto the floor.]
Picard: "Oooomph!"
Sickbay
[Nobody is in sickbay]
Engineering
LaForge: "There! Data, look. In section 12B of the containment chamber. There's a small leak."
Data: "Your efforts at deceiving me will not succeed, Geordi. My readings indicate no unusual events whatsoever. I recommend that you stop the interruptions."
LaForge: "Damn."
Ten Forward
Guinan: "May I help you?"
Client: "No thanks."
Sickbay
Crusher: [entering from doors] "Oops." [leaves]
Holodeck Two
[Barclay is playing with one of his programs again]
Barclay: "And take THAT you wandering piece of cosmic garbage."
[Barclay socks a Q look-alike in the jaw]
Fake Q: "Ooow!"
Troi: "Hahahaha. Very good! Very good!"
Engineering
Data: "Lieutenant! Warp engines are offline!"
LaForge: "What?! LaForge to bridge, we have-"
Data: "I took them offline for the maintenance overhaul. We are docked, remember?"
LaForge: [stares at Data] "Har har har. Veeerrrry fuuuuunny, Data."
[Data manages an android smile]
Worf's Quarters
[Alexander is playing with a video game. It's called Wesley Invasion. Apparently, venting pent up frustration with certain characters has taken a high priority in personal recreation among ship's crew.]
Alexander: "Take THAT you slime bucket."
Ensign Ro's Quarters
Ro: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz."
Bridge
Picard. [just exiting the turbo lift onto the bridge] "Have we finished with the docking procedures, Will?"
Riker: "Yes, captain. We're just beginning the maintenance phase."
Picard: [pauses] "Very well, I'll be in my quarters if you need me."
[Picard wanders off again, wondering why on earth he was called onto the bridge at all.]
[Some time passes, and the maintenance is finished]
Picard: [in captain's chair] "Ensign, set course for the neutral zone. It's time we paid an old friend a visit. Engage!"
[Enterprise warps out]
STAY TUNED WHEN NEXT TIME WE SEE PICARD MEET TOMALAK. THIS TIME, IN THE NEUTRAL ZONE… REALLY.
Written by Angus T.K. Wong
All rights reserved
