How the Trek Do You feel about...

[thecursor]

Okay, pick one thing from the Star Trek Universe. Not a series, not a movie, not a concept, only a person, an item, or in the case of this post Races:

How the Trek Do You Feel About...

Cardassians- We get it, you're space Nazis. Very scary. If you stopped turning everything you touched into an Orwellian nightmare for five seconds you would realize that Gul Dukat is a fucking psycho.

Tholians- Okay so you know how everybody complained that all of Star Trek contains nothing but humanoid races? The Tholians are essentially Trek Universe evolution pissing in your eye. Spiders that live in lava and are made out of silicate. Darwin just wet himself.

The Romulans- How long can these guys be mad about Surak telling them off? Seriously, grow the **** up already. On a further note, these guys used to be the best damn villains in the Trek Universe and the only Romulan villain who survived the Romulan apocalypse was the least cunning Romulan ever born. This dude had NO subtle game. Not a well thought out plan Nero.

The Klingons- Big ships, big guns, big muscles, constantly yelling. I'm sensing inadequacy issues.

The Breen- When I heard about a new race joining the Dominion, I had chills. Dear god, what now? The Gorn? The Swarm? Would they bring back the Hunters from Season One? What fresh hell shall be inflicted on poor Sisko? Then they said the Breen. Oh, okay. The Breen are about as intimidating as a wet kitten. Points for the Boba Fett looking helmets though.

The Borg- The Scariest villains who once....well they...actually they've never really done anything. Yeah they destroyed the fleet but looking back at it, everybody's destroyed the fleet once. You aren't a Star Trek villain if you don't do that. Other then that they've never accomplished a god damned thing other then look like an H.R. Geiger painting and name themselves after a Swedish shoe company. Their sole contribution is giving us Seven of Nine. Suck it Borg.

The Gorn- God I love the Gorn, GOD DAMN I love the Gorn. A race of Raptors with space weapons! The very thought of that just made me wet myself. Name a trek moment without the Gorn and I'll name a moment that could benefit from a Gorn injection.

The Bajorans- Feisty Women, rich culture, long history of killing space Nazis, so why do they annoy the crap out of me? Oh yeah, they pray every six seconds. *Changed for actually being too sarcastic in a thread made to be sarcastic and insulting! Seriously, it was that bad. I hit a new low. Funny but still.

The Nausicanns- Space bikers, if ENT is to be believed they used to be pretty scary back in the 2200s. Now they're professional bodyguards for the Ferengi. Losers.

The Orions- All the women are Strippers and Hookers, all the men are Bouncers and Mobsters. The other place in the universe this kind of society exists? Las Vegas. the Orion homeworld must be a fucked up place to live. Imagine a planet where your mom is a stripper, your sister is a stripper, and if you're a girl, you're a stripper too. The trade off is that you're uber hot and the men of your world are built like Mr. Universe.

The Trill- So you've turned your entire race into a slave species for giant slugs. What was the benefit again? Call Stargate SG-1, that dog don't hunt.

The Dominion- Any species with Jeffery Combs in it is bad ass...

The Andorians- See? Also, feisty women that are blue. Bonus points for feisty women.

The Ferengi- Well, there's always an exception to every rule and not even Jeffery Combs made them seem threatening. Thinly veiled Ayn Rand critiques aside, these guys gave us Nog or as I like to call him "Wesley Part 2".

The Kazon- A stiff breeze is more threatening.

Species 84 blah blah bl- Oh so scary for like two episodes, then that one Starfleet academy episode sucks all the awesome out of them.

The Swarm- I love the Swarm. LOVE THEM. That's a scary ass villain race.

The Bolians- Fun loving fat dudes rule. Go Mr. Mot!

The Remen- A slave race created by somebody who A) Smoked pot, B) Played too much Vampire: The Masquerade, C) All of the Above? When Tom Hardy is scarier then your entire race, you suck.

The Tellerites- Pig faced and proud of it.

The Xindi- Normally I like my Al Qaeda metaphors with less bitch ass whining.

And finally, The Q- Where is my Ark of Truth when I need it? Why can't we get ride of these ass clowns?

[WarpGirl]

OK I'd just be a little careful referencing religions because some people can and will freak.

[Distracted]

We're all grown ups. I think that if the only religions he complains about are fictional ones that we can probably handle it.

Very amusing. You've got the sarcasm thing down pat.

My pet peeve? Trek biology. You would think that even in the 1960's the writers would have been exposed to the concept of DNA, and just looking at an animal husbandry text (or asking the nearest farmer) would tell them that members of two biologically distinct species could not interbreed. Even subspecies that look almost identical to each other like horses and donkeys can end up with sterile offspring (mules, anyone?). And yet we have half-Vulcans and half-Klingons and such running around all over the place.

Oddly enough, the other half is usually human, which proves BnB's theory that the human male will copulate with anything that comes to hand if he's deprived long enough. Ask BnB. He'll expound on this concept at length.

But c'mon, people! Copper based hemoglobin vs iron based hemoglobin? How can that major difference POSSIBLY translate into two species with enough genetic similarity to interbreed? Chimps and humans can't interbreed and their DNA is 98% identical.

[JadziaKathryn]

Hey, I like the Trill!

The Klingons- Big ships, big guns, big muscles, constantly yelling. I'm sensing inadequacy issues.

[Aquarius]

We're all grown ups. I think that if the only religions he complains about are fictional ones that we can probably handle it.

Exactly. And my specific gripe about Trek religion: DS9 just seemed to shove it down our throats and I grew bored with that.

[Eian Flannagan]

Tholians- Okay so you know how everybody complained that all of Star Trek contains nothing but humanoid races? The Tholians are essentially Trek Universe evolution pissing in your eye. Spiders that live in lava and are made out of silicate. Darwin just wet himself.

The Gorn- God I love the Gorn, GOD DAMN I love the Gorn. A race of Raptors with space weapons! The very thought of that just made me wet myself. Name a trek moment without the Gorn and I'll name a moment that could benefit from a Gorn injection.

The Bajorans- Feisty Women, rich culture, long history of killing space Nazis, so why do they annoy the crap out of me? Oh yeah, they pray every six seconds.

The Orions- All the women are Strippers and Hookers, all the men are Bouncers and Mobsters. The other place in the universe this kind of society exists? Las Vegas. the Orion homeworld must be a fucked up place to live. Imagine a planet where your mom is a stripper, your sister is a stripper, and if you're a girl, you're a stripper too. The trade off is that you're uber hot and the men of your world are built like Mr. Universe.

The Trill- So you've turned your entire race into a slave species for giant slugs. What was the benefit again? Call Stargate SG-1, that dog don't hunt.

Species 84 blah blah bl- Oh so scary for like two episodes, then that one Starfleet academy episode sucks all the awesome out of them.

The Swarm- I love the Swarm. LOVE THEM. That's a scary ass villain race.

The Tellerites- Pig faced and proud of it.

Dude, you are my god! Holy crap, that was awesome!

[Alelou]

My pet peeve? Trek biology. You would think that even in the 1960's the writers would have been exposed to the concept of DNA, and just looking at an animal husbandry text (or asking the nearest farmer) would tell them that members of two biologically distinct species could not interbreed. Even subspecies that look almost identical to each other like horses and donkeys can end up with sterile offspring (mules, anyone?). And yet we have half-Vulcans and half-Klingons and such running around all over the place.

Oddly enough, the other half is usually human, which proves BnB's theory that the human male will copulate with anything that comes to hand if he's deprived long enough. Ask BnB. He'll expound on this concept at length.

But c'mon, people! Copper based hemoglobin vs iron based hemoglobin? How can that major difference POSSIBLY translate into two species with enough genetic similarity to interbreed? Chimps and humans can't interbreed and their DNA is 98% identical.

Yeah, this has always bugged me too. If it weren't for Spock and Elizabeth being canon, I'd assume our heroes can't have kids together and would just have to deal with that.

[WarpGirl]

Gene manipulation is the only answer I can come up with. Like with B'Elanna and Tom I always assumed that when she was a baby her genes were modified so she could mate with either a human or a Klingon and have babies. Even then, Tom said the odds were high.

I honestly wasn't offended by the Bajoran thing, I just thought thecursor would like a heads up that someone might be. Honest I love his stuff. I want to try one with 7of9 but I'm afraid some of the men will kill me.

[JadziaKathryn]

The Guardian of Forever: either lousy at the job, or badly misnamed, since McCoy was able to go through and royally screw up the timeline. Not effective guarding, by any stretch of the imagination.

[thecursor]

We're all grown ups. I think that if the only religions he complains about are fictional ones that we can probably handle it.

In fairness, she was complaining about a now edited joke comparing Bajorans to an annoying orthodox Jewish girl I dated in college, funny but perhaps too risque.

I have thought of more:

The Talaxians- The single most annoying species in the Galaxy. These guys and Wesley are proof that there is no Star Trek God.

The Organians- A species devoted to sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. Yes, they do it more effectively then the Q but that's like saying that I burned down your house better then that pyromaniac next door.

The Ocampa- Well they gave us Kes, the cutest little cutie ever! But beyond that these space elves just sort of suck then die. Like a goldfish but with dangerous telepathy.

The Benzite- Big froggy asthmatics that wheeze a lot, I would hate to be that guy's roommate at the Academy.

The Kriosians- Not exactly a galactic power, might have something to do with the Klingons completely pwning them when they get uppity. Still, the women are very good at hosting cooking shows.

The Vidiian- Oh god, horrifying! I love these guys as a concept and their makeup design but I want to watch Star Trek, not Hellraiser 2. Did they let Clive Barker into the writing room that day? Plus for the most part these "Genuis Doctors" mostly just stumble around through a swamp of stupidity. You harvest people's organs one at a time? Why not, and this is a shocker, figure out a way to HARVEST ALL OF THEM AND JUST REPLACE YOUR ENTIRE BODIES! Seriously, your race has been infected for "Generations" yet you never figured that out?

The Hirogen- They might as well name these guys "Jump the Shark Species" because they're that lame. In the movie Predator, the alien is dark and mysterious. The Hirogen are laughably transparent and do everything the Klingons do but with an extra dose of lameness. It's like the President Hirogen on Hirogen Home Planet stood in front of a vast multitude of his people and yelled "Go forth and show the writers have run out of ideas!" and thus they did and it was lame.

The El-Aurian- A race of listeners. What does that mean exactly? I have no idea but if it makes Q uncomfortable I'm happy. Two of the named El-Aurian have been pretty fucking raw. From the Bartending Gandalf we call Guinan to the impressively psychotic Soren, El-Aurians have a pretty damn good Awesome to Suck ratio...wait, that moron in Rivals was an El-Aurian? Where's the Borg when you need them?

The Betazoid- Space hippies. Dirty, naked space hippies that so nothing but talk about feelings. Here's a run down of abilities you need to know about: Races with Telepathy are usually scary as hell. Races with Empathy are usually lamer then a three legged racing dog.

The Hupyrian- A race of wrinkly butlers. Awesome. That Nagus knows how to live, give me a super tall personal bodyguard!

The Guardian of Forever: either lousy at the job, or badly misnamed, since McCoy was able to go through and royally screw up the timeline. Not effective guarding, by any stretch of the imagination.

Guardian of Suck is more likely. Not to mention that if you're going to guard all of time and space and never let anyone inside your temporal wormhole perhaps you shouldn't be shaped like a GIANT MAN SIZED DOORWAY!

I want to try one with 7of9 but I'm afraid some of the men will kill me.

Clearly only a straight man can do this with a clear head so:

"I'm Seven of Nine, my milkshake brings all the boys in the 18 to 25 demos to the yard and yet they continue to write my character like an A&E Drama. Seriously, no one is tuning in for my character arc just put me quietly in a corner and do another Janeway heavy epi."

[WarpGirl]

The Kriosians- Not exactly a galactic power, might have something to do with the Klingons completely pwning them when they get uppity. Still, the women are very good at hosting cooking shows.

Which is why their wimpy, spoiled, not an emapthic-metamorph princesses gets nick-names celebrating frozen seafood for children, who think said food is revolting.

[JadziaKathryn]

It's like the President Hirogen on Hirogen Home Planet stood in front of a vast multitude of his people and yelled "Go forth and show the writers have run out of ideas!" and thus they did and it was lame.

Not to mention that if you're going to guard all of time and space and never let anyone inside your temporal wormhole perhaps you shouldn't be shaped like a GIANT MAN SIZED DOORWAY!

Clearly it was built by a race that used different doorways... *agrees completely, really*

I actually liked Seven in principle. It's just that she sort of took over.

Dress codes: apparently, what's considered sexy about women is a universal constant. This sort of annoys me since there are cultures on Earth with other ideas, like the places where big hips on women are desirable and such.

The Temporal Police: there when you need the requisite present-day Earth episode. Conveniently taking the century off when the plot called for a time-traveling Romulan bent on destroying Vulcan.

[WarpGirl]

Oh I just LOVE 7of9!!!! Really, Voyager needed a tall statuesque blond, in a tight corset and spandex to make her already ample figure even more prominent. And of course she had to destroy her feet by running, and kicking alien behind in four inch stilettos because you know the other women were so drab. Also of course she had to be smarter and better at eveything than the crew in order to take over their jobs at a moments notice to save the day. Because you know they shouldn't have survived in the big bad Delta Quadrent without her. Also sure she scared little Naomi Wildman out of her little horned head, but you know in the end, she was a better mother to the little girl than her own. The Borg kiddies were an added bonus, nevermind that 7of9 barely remembers being a child herself thanks to Borg maturation chambers. Nope the woman already is the best TV mom since Donna Reed. That other woman, the one actually having a baby... Call the Starfleet child protective services she's nuts. Give the baby to 7of9. Oh and that hunky First Officer well that deep and abiding affection for his Captain FORGET it. 7of9 is the only REAL woman for him...

7of9 is just great!

[thecursor]

[/size]The Temporal Police: there when you need the requisite present-day Earth episode. Conveniently taking the century off when the plot called for a time-traveling Romulan bent on destroying Vulcan.

"Oh damn, hey Phil?"
"Yeah Mike?"
"Is it me or was there a planet there a minute ago."
"Damn it, this was a our day off."

[WarpGirl]

Rock on Dude!