Star Trek: the new movie.

[Alelou]

LOL, what a virtuoso explanation! I guess that's why Picard was my favorite -- cuz I'm a girl.

[justTripn]

Taking a look around the Enterprise D, the obvious choice is Deanna but think again. The woman is stocked to the gills with emotional baggage, constantly experiencing delusional visions, and marrying her means you get the world's most annoying mother in law. Plus she dated a Klingon, it's not like she's picky. If Riker wants a ticket on that crazy train, be my guest.

[Eian Flannagan]

Excellent in Bed: Where is my evidence for this, you say? How could I possibly know that? *ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the entire plot of First Contact. He was so hot the Borg Queen bent the rules just to make him special, he was so good at Hive Mind Brain Sex that she attacked Earth just to get another taste of Picard, and when he kicked her to the curb she started making time with Data just to make him jealous. DATA! She had to get a machine to do it better. Remember that episode where that woman thought that Picard was god? Secretly his reaction was "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Now my favorite captain is still Kirk. If I'm trapped on a planet with an angry Gorn, I want the guy who says "**** it" and drops a rock on the dude's head. Picard is a lover not a fighter and his constant need to talk to every...single....sad sack in the Galaxy just isn't my kind of Captain. Around two minutes through just one of those "Let us join the Federation even though we have a dark secret" meetings, Kirk would've pulled his phaser and gone sickhouse on somebody's ass. Kirk was a straight up killing machine, most of those moral conundrums would've been a lot simpler if Kirk showed up and said "Scotty, make some flintlock rifles." Bam, that just solved the Borg right there. Assimilate a bullet, assholes!

But in terms of ladies man status, Picard wins. Period. The man was just made of awesome when it came to women and the fact that he never got credit for it burns me. Both of them together, written properly would be the ultimate Trek buddy comedy. The end of Generations should've been Soren gets to the Nexus only to find a healthy dose of Kirk size tens in his ass and then watches as the Nexus ghost of his wife throws her arms around Picard yelling "At last, a real man!"

Then Kirk drops a rock on him.

Dude! You rocked it!

[WarpGirl]

WOW Cursor. Just WOW!

[thecursor]

If you liked those here are several more in quick succession:

Harry Kim was Gay: He spent all of his time with Tom Paris. ALL OF IT! If I were on that ship, I'd a least want to do something with Chakotay or the Vulcan dude, but Kim decided to spend all his time with the blonde helmsman with the lady hips. They did everything together and it got weird when Tom was married. The most glaring piece of evidence came from Seven of Nine when she offered him sex. Keep in mind that this wasn't the really whiny "Oh I want to be human" Brown Catsuit Seven, this was "cold, collected, dominatrix" Silver Catsuit Seven, the hottest of all the Sevens! If a woman like that says "Let's do it" really casually, I, as a straight man, have preemptively said yes. I'd have sex with her just to say I did, actually. Hell, I would tattoo that on my forehead "Had Sex With Seven of Nine". But Kim? He just stuttered and gave some limp ass excuse about wanting to get to know you as a person, which means he's either gay or stupid. I'm pretty sure Tom was straight or at least bi but Harry? Gay.

Janeway is a terrible girlfriend: I really only have one piece of evidence for this, the dear john letter from Mark. Sure, we could chalk that up to the fact that Mark was a jerk but from what I've seen of Janeway and her inability to let anything go ever, I think Mark was in the right. Consider this, your girlfriend has just been lost forever on the other side of space and finally after years without contact you suddenly have the chance to contact her again. If she was a girlfriend worth having, wouldn't you break up with her in person? Wouldn't you tell her that you miss her in the letter so she doesn't get upset during the crisis and then break up with her in the gentlest way possible after she got home safely. Now if she was a controlling headcase like Janeway, you are breaking that off as quickly as fucking possible. Mark was her fiancee and he got an unexpected reprieve from the lifetime gas chamber. That woman just screamed control freak and I'm betting some careful investigation would reveal that Mark's the reason they ended up in the Delta Quadrent, that he was the one responsible for the entire Caretaker thing. Then suddenly, that psycho manages to find her way home like some sort of bunny boiling-fatal attraction style stalker. Well Mark is putting his foot down this time. He gets out of bed long enough to type up a fast "Wow, we've been apart a long time, don't call back" letter then goes back to the 22 year old Orion slave girl he's been dating since she left.

Sisko was really a time traveling Shaft: Shaft was a complicated man who very conceivably had a time machine. That's just how Shaft rolls, baby. Like Shaft, Sisko didn't stomach no trash talk from suckas. When that jive turkey Q showed up and started spinnin' game, Sisko-Shaft drew back and knocked him the **** out. God like alien? Sheeyit, ain't nothin' compared to Sisko's haymaker. He had a cool Shaft like nickname, "The Emissary". What a cool ass nickname. "I'm the Emissary baby, ain't no thing." He had a fly ride, the Defiant is so boss it looks like it's got leather interior. Sisko-Shaft was entirely comfortable with Time travel. In fact, during one time travel excursion, Sisko assumed the identity of a bad ass revolutionary with relative ease. It was easy because he did it before when he traveled from 1978 to steal Ben Sisko's identity and c-block the Dominion. Sisko, Ben Sisko. Damn right.

Star Trek V would've been cooler if Scotty was the star: A lot of the TOS movies would've been cooler with Scotty in the lead actually but V was most definitely a Scotty starring vehicle. Aliens have taken over the ship, Spock's asshole half brother is making everybody all touchy feely, only one officer has escaped the clutches of the space terrorists and that officer is a Scotsman. From the time the aliens boarded to the time when he breaks Kirk out of jail, Scotty was sneaking around like Steven Seagal in Under Siege, probably even killed a guy with a microwave like Steven did. Sure he knocked himself out with a beam to the head, but what you didn't know was that he just finished knife fighting a Nausicann death dealer and his spatial perception was a little messed up.

Deanna Troi can't drive: First time they gave her the helm, it crashed. She wasn't a very good therapist, either, but at least she never crashed a trillion dollar space ship when she was talking about feelings.

Galia survived the Battle of Vulcan: If I'm a young Starfleet officer and Galia says "Can I get on the lifeboat?" I'm yanking that cancer patient out of his seat.

Rom was a supervillain: Every single event in DS9 was suspiciously bent to Rom's favor, decades of cruel machinations somehow coalescing into a Hitler like rise to power. He stole Bashir's hot girlfriend, gave his brother the Shaft...sorry I meant the "Sisko"...by forming a union, manipulated his way into the Grand Nagus throne. God damn it, if the next TNG movie isn't about Rom's volcano island fortress then something has gone horribly wrong with Star Trek.

Hoshi was easy: She was always losing her clothing, slept with a guy on Risa after knowing him maybe an hour, made googly eyes at Reed then KISSED THE CAPTAIN. Cunning linguist my ass.

Nero had no idea what he was doing: Points for crazy, because crazy always gets points. Also points for destroying Vulcan too. But really, this was not a well thought out plan. Go back to Romulus, you nutsack, and warn people about the supernova first! Then let the Romulan scientists study your advanced technology and turn the galaxy into "Romulan Land". Centuries of really awesome Romulan villains and this is the guy who survives the Romulan apocalypse. Sela just facepalmed.

[WarpGirl]

Do you drink water that makes you ultra sarcastic? I'm laughing, you said my number 1 ST love had girl hips and I'm laughing. If that is how you really feel about the people you write about, well I can't say I agree with everything... Although some of them, I'm like rock on! But you certainly know how to snark with charm. Anyway anything that puts a smile on my face I appreciate. But come on do Q and Lady Q for god sake!

[JadziaKathryn]

If a woman like that says "Let's do it" really casually, I, as a straight man, have preemptively said yes. I'd have sex with her just to say I did, actually. Hell, I would tattoo that on my forehead "Had Sex With Seven of Nine". But Kim? He just stuttered and gave some limp ass excuse about wanting to get to know you as a person, which means he's either gay or stupid.

Or the kind of man most women dream about, I'd like to add. Interested in the woman as as person and not as a sex object - that's a dream come true, I tell you.

Nero had no idea what he was doing: Points for crazy, because crazy always gets points. Also points for destroying Vulcan too. But really, this was not a well thought out plan. Go back to Romulus, you nutsack, and warn people about the supernova first! Then let the Romulan scientists study your advanced technology and turn the galaxy into "Romulan Land". Centuries of really awesome Romulan villains and this is the guy who survives the Romulan apocalypse. Sela just facepalmed.

Very true. Revenge and all, yes, but wouldn't it be better to deal with revenge after you've saved your race? Maybe something in the tattoo ink gets into the brain and causes damage...

[WarpGirl]

You're right about that JadziaKathryn... Besides, didn't Harry get chosen by a race of woman man-eaters? Have an affair with Lindsey Ballard twice once after she died!? And bed his AU Libby quite often? Just saying... As for Nero the Romulan power trip strikes again. But bot is Eric Banna good to look at, Checkov was wonderful too... Kirk? What Kirk? Kirk who?

[Alelou]

Um, a guy being interested in me as a human is great, but honey, I ALSO want to be his sex object. I've had a couple of friends who were married to gay guys (one full-knowing and she and her husband somehow dreamed they could change that even though he'd drag her to gay bars while they were dating ...well, HELLO, it didn't work). You want to talk about real misery ... no sex and he's the one who insists on decorating the house.

[CX]

Pretty much every time Kim got bedded, something bad happened. Poor bastard.

[WarpGirl]

Um, a guy being interested in me as a human is great, but honey, I ALSO want to be his sex object.

Well duh doesn't every woman want both?

[Alelou]

Well, I'm sure SOME women would prefer guys just steer clear entirely, but that's the other side of the same argument.

My general point is that a healthy sexy drive is our friend. Sometimes I cringe a little when I think of how that used to turn me off otherwise perfectly nice guys when I was younger, but I guess I just wasn't ready for the good stuff yet. I sometimes wish I could go back and apologize for probably confusing the hell out of them.

[WarpGirl]

I tell my friends all the time I may not be active, but I am aware of my own sexuality. After all God gave me instincts. So heck yes when I'm ready and married you bet I want a healthy fullfilling sex life. Just on my terms. I like men a lot, it's just the trusting thing that's hard. Harry is a guy I would trust implicitely unfortunately he does NOTHING for me. <sigh>

[thecursor]

Obviously I'm not "Serious" serious about any of these, this is all for comedy. By request my thoughts on Mr and Mrs. Q:

That's not Q's son. Sorry, don't believe it. Mrs. Q seemed like a really "together" space goddess who basically married this jag off to gain a little more status in the Continuum. The idea that she'll have a baby with him is simply too hard to believe. Sure they had finger sex (A side note: If reaching the pinnacle of galactic evolution means touching fingers becomes sex, I wanna stay a barbarian.) but there is no way a woman who can move space and time is going to settle down with an infantile moron like Q. The very concept is positively nuts. Q's big lesson for humanity was to lead the Borg right to them. Great teaching there buddy, that'll show us. After that, most of his lessons involve being a dick and warping reality to be funny. Mrs. Q had half a brain and therefore probably couldn't stomach Q's insane meandering lessons. Remember that Mrs. Q can travel across dimensions and space time and make it with ANY ascended being she wants, including Daniel Jackson from Stargate. Ladies: John DeLancie or Daniel Jackson? I thought so. Q Jr.'s gonna need glasses.

Bonus thoughts: Jadzia and Kira needed their own show. The two most competent women in Trek history beat the ever loving crap out of anyone and everyone that stood in their way. Kira, a no nonsense revolutionary and Jadzia, a free spirit know-it-all had the potential to be an all girl tag team of awesome. It could've been a friendship to rival the Bashir-O'Brien Bromance but sadly those writers just couldn't handle it. Give 'em a spin-off, make them the Cagney and Lacey of Space, Laverne and Shirley with Phasers.

[WarpGirl]

Jadzia and Kira are "Thelma and Louise" dude. Anyway Daniel Jackson!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! Someday you have to write your SERIOUS opinions. There's just one problem with your Q paternity theory, Q2 Looks, acts, moves and sounds like papa. Oh I totally fell in love with John De Lancey's son. God make him a character in an ST series!