May We Together Become Greater Than The Sum Of Us by WG

[WarpGirl]

In fact, women displaying such behavior in even the tiniest manner was one of many signs of a mental illness based in the ovaries, known as "hysteria" (other signs being showing signs of willpower, intelligence and opinions of their own, for example). Thus the word hysterectomy. I wish I was kidding about that.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a Hysterectomy when I was 20, (very rare disease) and I had a very real case of PMDD. But that isn't mental illness. Thanks for the info. Did you study psychology in school? Ooops. Sorry that was nosey.

Well, I'm waiting to get married, but I have a sex drive! I knew that Freud was discredited, and nuts but man oh man.

[Distracted]

Lol. Don't you just love Victorian medicine? This was the same period in history that featured an enterprising physician who invented a device for the induction of "Hysterical spasm". This device supposedly treated hysteria... in the office, no less. We now call it a vibrator.

Needless to say, he was a very popular doctor.

[WarpGirl]

Frankly the idea of anything with an electrical current disturbing. But there's another term for that kind of doctoring... I would wear a corset no question, but I think I'd just decide to die if I lived back then and got sick.

[Snorpenbass]

In fact, women displaying such behavior in even the tiniest manner was one of many signs of a mental illness based in the ovaries, known as "hysteria" (other signs being showing signs of willpower, intelligence and opinions of their own, for example). Thus the word hysterectomy. I wish I was kidding about that.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a Hysterectomy when I was 20, (very rare disease) and I had a very real case of PMDD. But that isn't mental illness.

Well, neither is hysteria, technically...as mentioned, Victorian era medicine was a horrifying thing in many aspects.

Thanks for the info. Did you study psychology in school? Ooops. Sorry that was nosey.

's okay, and nope, but I'm a weird fact/trivia magnet. I pick up factoids here and there. I studied art, in fact, and on the 24th I'm moving across the country to start studying it full-time. More terrified than excited right now, to be honest.

Well, I'm waiting to get married, but I have a sex drive! I knew that Freud was discredited, and nuts but man oh man.

...the worst thing about Freud is that he had so many good ideas...and then he just kept getting hung up on the whole penis/genitalia thing. It's like watching a bumblebee try to leave your room, it's going in the right direction but keeps hitting the wall next to and around the window the whole time, in spite of said window being wide open...

[WarpGirl]

Well as a fellow trivia nut I thank you for the new factoid. I was going to study Art History in college, unfortunately I just wasn't healthy enough to finish I hope your studies go well for you.

[WarpGirl]

WarpGirl,
I finally some time to tackle a meaningful review of your latest chapter. After some thought, I've decided that a linear stream-of-consciousness approach will work best, since it's the easiest way to work through the notes I jotted as I read.

It kind of scares me that you take notes. This is a story not algebra class, I do want people to have fun reading!

The opening scene of TnT doing the dishes is a nice domestic moment and provides us some insight into Trip's mindset, as he recalls similar scenes with his parents and grandparents. We also learn that T'Pol can grill a mean steak--with a little help from Bobby Flay (who I presume is a real person.)

I almost deleted that whole section. My beta was very insistant I keep it, and now that it's all said and done I'm glad I did. Yes Bobby Flay is a real person. He is one of the most famous chefs in the country. I figured that if T'Pol was going to learn how to cook "land animal protines" she would do research and stumble on to a database for the Food Network. There was a joke in there because as T'Pol rightly observes we humans can turn anything into an obsession even food.

Then we get to a discussion of T'Pol's mysterious Uncle, who entered a Vulcan religious order and who's name she does not know because he evidently requested that no one in the family ever speak his name again. The purpose of this self-shunning is not made clear, and seems highly illogical to the point that I had to stop reading while I pondered possible reasons. I couldn't think of any.

Good Golly Miss Molly! Note to self, Transwarp likes instant gratification when he has questions in a chapter. Okay two things to keep in mind: 1. Don't assume that you won't get an answer later on in the tale. 2. GR messed up with his concept of logic, Vulcans don't live by logic. Vulcan "logic" is actually a life dominated by hyper-rationality.

Think about this. Does logic care if you kill an animal for food? No. You need food in order to live. How you obtain food has nothing to do with logic, logic only cares that you eat. Yet, 99.9999% Vulcans are either vegetarians or vegans.

Bottom line: You'll get the answer to your question, but later on. Trip doesn't have all the answers either.

I pick up the story again, and we find that the mysterious Uncle is Solkar, who was present at the initial contact with Cochrane and was first Ambassador to Earth. But wait, I thought he was sequestered in a Vulcan Monastery? I had to go back and re-read that, since it seemed I was remembering incorrectly. Nope, I was right. Evidently the monastery came later. Or earlier. I don't know. I keep reading.

We also meet Soval and Skon, who makes mention of his mother's renegade status. Huh? Who's his mother? Was this in an earlier chapter and I forgot? I table the question and move on. Later I learn that his mother is T'Pau. Okay, it makes sense now.

See here you go again, if you were a little boy I'd say "Patience young Padawan" but you're not so I can't. I will say this... Slow down and Enjoy!

Skon and Trip engage in some small talk, and we learn something about how Trip learned Vulcan, how Skon learned English, a little something about the Kir'Shara, and that Skon translated Surak into english.

I was hoping you'd like my use of "cool Vulcan Mojo" (tm), and hopefully the bond didn't come across as a super power.

T'Pau and T'Lyri arrive next. T'Pau's attire is described in great detail, but I must admit I got lost trying to picture it.

For visualization purposes... http://christies.com/lotfinderimages/d4 ... 80386r.jpg

I had better luck with the description of T'Lyri's attire (long, floating tank-tops I can visualize!) You lost me again on the detailed descriptions of their jewelry. And that necklace like an ancient torture device--oh my! It had plates and loops and cabachon cubes (I don't even know what cabachon is) and triangles and ancient symbols and inlayed stones and... and you completely lost me again while I was still reeling from the description of T'Pau's robes.

Click here... http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2 ... iden_3.jpg

And for the record a cabachon is a gemstone cut without any facets. Click here... http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=cab ... ORM=IDFRIR

However, I LOVED this passage:
-----------
T'Lyri stepped forward and that "other worldly" quality Trip had first noticed hit full force. She didn't seem like flesh and blood. It was as if she was a mirage made up of sun and air.
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Very nice job on your descriptions of T'Lyri the person, as opposed to her clothing and jewelry.

Thank you kindly! Now for why I did it... This is a very "fish out of water" moment for Trip. I wanted to give the sense that even though he's in love with T'Pol and starting to study the Kir'Shara, he's in a completely different world and life than anything he's ever known in his life. In the four years he's known T'Pol he still knows next to nothing about her culture. Sure, he's read a little of the Kir'Shara and he was at P'Jem. He might have met the priest that officiated at T'Pol's wedding, but frankly a shot-gun wedding has been done with more class. He really has no clue.

It's nerve wracking meeting the "in-laws," it's nerve wracking meeting the leader of a planet, it's nerve wracking meeting a priestess! Meeting all 3 in one person, is just traumatizing. Add in the fact that this is time of grief and I thought noticing those get-up was the least threatening and most overwhelming way to go.

Now, all the guests move into the living room for tea, and there is more small talk. At this point I want to stop and highlight what I've found to be some recurring issue in the chapter so far (at least for me): the times I found I had to stop reading because I was confused or bemused about something. (Nameless Uncles; Solkar, monk or ambassador?; Skon's renegade mother.) The fewer distractions for your reader, the better. In most of the cases above, a few words of clarification would have sufficed to keep me going uninterrupted.

Well join the club! Every person in this chapter has all of these unanswered questions. In my AU TnT had 6 months between Bound and Terra Prime, they had time to figure out what they wanted out of their relationship, and plan how to get there. They never had a "courtship" so during that six months they are only beginning to let each other into their lives completely. Like Trip said,"We should have covered clan stuff before biology."

When they discover Elizabeth, it blows all of the plans out of the water. And then she dies! It's a whole new ball game now. And there are bigger things going on then figuring out the great-uncle's job history. More important is to figure out what type of man he is. I hope I conveyed his character thuroughly.

There were also numerous Vulcan words and phrases I encountered along the way that I didn't know the meaning of. I knew I could scroll to the top of the document to find a translation, but I would have lost my place and had to search around to find it again. In most cases I could guess at the meanings, so I don't think I missed much by not looking them up.

Well I don't think I used "numerous" Vulcan words and phrazes, I think chapter 5 had much more. That said color me confused, if you're taking notes on the chapter why not write out the transaltions? I use Vulcan very, very, specifically. So if it's in there I hope people do know that they should use the translations. VERY IMPORTANT!

Okay, so we're all in the living room enjoying our tea, and the discussion turns to arrangements for tomorrow's ceremony. This is where my interest perks up. This is where things start to get interesting. There is tension and conflict and suspense. This is GOOD STUFF! The only problem? It took nearly 5,000 words to get here. (4,969 to be precise). There are over a thousand words just to get T'Pau and T'Lyri from the front door into the living room.

Seriously it is very, very, very, very, CREEPY! that you count the words.

The first part of the chapter reads like a combination of a dairy (giving us a daily slice-of-life), and a Vulcan Travelogue. There's a great deal of information here, but no feeling that the story is progressing. The second part is much, MUCH better, making me think that maybe you started the chapter in the wrong place. Or maybe you need less detail in the first part, to keep things moving along. I don't know. I can only let you know I see a problem; I cannot tell you how to solve it.

Every author has a distinctive voice, a style that is unique to them. What works for me may not work for you. You are finding your style, the style that works best for you. As you learn your craft and hone your skills, your style may change, but it will still be YOURS.

Yes I can see that 5000 words can be excessive. And I can see that it can turn into a serious problem. Let me refer you to *Rights,* Wrongs, and Choices that story was my attempt at "bare-bones" straight up story about Pon Farr and why the men were not enslaving the women into marriage and rape. What happened PEOPLE wanted more detail and hand-to-hand combat! Which I still have to write. And it's partly YOUR fault!

As you develop your stories and work out the plot, there are a great many details around the characters and the world they live in that get fleshed-out in your mind. This is a good and necessary thing. When I am about to write a battle scene, the first thing I do is plot out the whole thing: the types and names of all the ships, how they're armed, their positions relative to each other, what tactics they will employ, how and where they maneuver, and a great deal more. It's all choreographed in my head (and sometimes on paper), but 95% of that detail never makes it into the story. If it did, it would overwhelm the reader.

If you only KNEW how many pages I ripped up in the first draft, before I typed it out.

I can see that you do something similar. You create a rich backdrop for your stories and characters, but I believe you have a tendency to try and put ALL your background information onto the page. To be sure, you need some of it. A little background makes the story come to life. It makes your world real, giving it a 'lived-in' feel.

So how much detail is enough? I dunno. It comes back to your writing style. What's enough for me may not be enough for you. I think as you polish your skills, you will find ways to effectively use more of that background detail than would a writer like me. You just need to be aware of and vigilant for this tendency. You need to be willing to leave out some of those juicy tidbits that don't advance the plot or develop the characters.

I admit it, when I write I can see everything right down to the way the light comes through the windows, and the shadows it casts. When I write I want people to feel like they can see it all too. It's very difficult to find the balance.

Anyhow, I think now is a good time to start wrapping up this review. As I mentioned earlier, there is not much I didn't like about the second part of this chapter. The only thing that comes to mind is when S'Troa and Salek are presented to T'Pol. For the build-up you gave it, I found it... anticlimactic. Given how T'Pol was apprehensive beforehand, I was expecting more. Instead we got a thirty second ceremony.

VICTORY IS MINE! It was supposed to be anticlimactic, Trip found it to be a bit of a let down. I should have clarified T'Pol was apprehensive because of what the oaths mean. I'll clarify later.

Once again, it feels like I'm watching a travelogue (...as the sun sets slowly over the rugged Vulcan desert, we see the Clan matriarch perform the quaint Vulcan ritual of presentation. Next we wing our way to the Vulcan capitol, where we will witness the pomp and ceremony of the procession of the priests, resplendent in their native garb as they start their annual pilgrimage to retrace the steps of Surak himself...)

Forgive me, I couldn't resist! Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea.

Ah the wit I love so much. I do have to work harder to find balance. It's not that I object to weeding out unecessary stuff. It's difficult for me to decide what is truly unecessary because I don't put anything in there that doesn't mean something. For example the bedroom re-do in chapter 5 had several specific functions...

1. It was tangible evidence that T'Pol's family home is now also Trip's home. T'Pol literally put his brand on it. From now on they'll be sleeping in HIS bed, in THEIR home!

2. The color scheme is diametrically opposed to the enviornment, cool blues, browns, and pure whites, against the hot reds and browns of the natural enviornment. Kinda like human emotion, and instinct up against Vulcan rationality and discipline.

3. The furniture had been in Trips family for generations and now co-exists in the house; and the lands that has been in T'Pol's family for thousands of years.

So there's always a meaning. The trouble is figuring out what will mean the most to the readers.

And so I can end this on a positive note, just let me reiterate that the second half of this chapter is *very* good. Your characterizations are spot-on. The more you write, the better you get. I am even on board with the whole 'T'Pol's ancestry is a state secret' thing, and the Vulcan slave-clans. You deserve BIG kudos for that!

Hope this helps!

Glad to hear it. I'll take the victory for the clans and the "state secret." I was hoping to hear your thoughts on how I handled the V'Las situation. I'm glad you didn't think Trip was too soppy. Most of all, thank you for giving me so much to think about and work on. It's so wonderful to have people that want to help me improve.

[WarpGirl]

Hello it's me, I just want everyone to know that the reason we're all waiting for my next chapter is because T'Pol stopped speaking to me. Yes I'm afraid right after Trip and I got the idea for his dialogue, T'Pol decided to kidnap him and drag him to some unkown planet. I think she misunderstood that my relationship with him was purely professional. Really, he's too much like my brother for me to want to make a play. Like I could really compete with a Vulcan mating bond!

Anyway, since she won't tell me what she wants to say, I can't write it down. If I can't write it down, I can't finish the chapter, hence we all wait! Not my fault, blame the

In the mean time, I have to say I'm thuroughly enjoying my latest obsession. But like always, eventually I'll get over-stimulated and come crawling back, I always do. Take heart, maybe if I explain that there's nothing between me and her man, she'll open up. Or... she could you know, hurt me!