Not Dead

Part 1

Thanks: To justTrip'n!


T’Pol sat in the back of her limo at the end of a small procession taking Trip's casket to the cemetery for final rites. Her mind, unbidden, reflected back on the recent several days before Trip's death. She remembered the last time she spoke to him, telling him they may never meet again, and him saying that she should not talk that way and asking if she ever thought of them the last six years. He’d admitted that he did and she had told him she did not. The memory of that was bitter. It was true, she had not thought of them. He had. She knew now that his love for her was real, and hers for him was still pushed back and held down. She had steadfastly refused to acknowledge this love even though it kept coming to the fore. She recalled wanting to accept it wholly at various times, and then, for some reason, rejecting him, breaking his heart over and over. Still his love had remained constant. He’d offered his heart since the night she had seduced him—out of jealousy and fright that she would lose him to another. She had fought to keep what she thought was hers, and when she had secured it, told him a lie the next morning and kept pushing him away and fighting his love. Now, he was dead and there would be no love to accept and no Trip to take in to her heart. He was gone and she would be forced to say a final goodbye.

She had been told that something had happened to Trip. She’d hurried to the medical facility and walked in to see Phlox shaking his head and pulling a sheet over Trip's face. He was dead. She stood there staring at the sheet-covered body. Then she’d turned and walked, almost stumbled, to her quarters. She sat on her bed stunned. He was gone. It was not true. She was having an hallucination. But it was true, she knew.

She had volunteered to pack up Trip's belongings. She was alone with her memories and regrets when Archer came in. She didn't want anyone in the room with her. He blathered and finally left. She finished packing up Trip’s life on board Enterprise—the life she had been a part of but had refused to share.

Later, she’d had to praise Archer for his speech. She even told him he looked heroic. That got her a hug that she didn't want, but she gave no sign of it. Archer asked her if she was going to be listening to the speech, but she said she had other things to do.

While Archer was giving his speech, T’Pol went to the room where Trip's body lay. She walked in, pulled down the sheet, and looked at him lying there. She touched his hand; it was cold. His face was placid as if he was sleeping or at rest. To her he was still handsome, but lifeless. T’Pol decided to speak with Trip's god:

"Trip had a deep faith in a Creator. He was private and told no one except me about that faith. He believed that you would protect him and keep him safe. You failed. He believed that you would provide an afterlife where he would be welcome. He often said that we would be there together for eternity. I told him that I didn't believe in his afterlife. Now I wish I could believe that we would be joined there. Please give him the love, happiness and peace that I refused him."

She paused, raised the sheet back over Trip's face, and left the room, returning to her quarters.

In her quarters she tried to meditate but could not focus. Her mind kept returning to Trip. She finally gave up. Perhaps Surak’s writings would help her find a little solace. She picked up the book and looked at it. She had studied it before. She remembered when she had told Trip that she was going to study Surak to discover her path. She had coldly told him that he had no place in her life and had turned away from him. He’d said he understood and wanted to know how long her search would take. She had said she could not answer that. Now, she hoped that Surack would help her. When she had searched before, she had looked only for what concerned her. She had not thought of seeking lessons for them. She had selfishly forgot about Trip and thought only of herself. Opening the book, she decided to find if there was anything inside that would have answered the question of them. She finally found a section on “Mating and Mates”: “If two who are deeply in love have a intimate sexual coupling, they are mated. This mating, if accompanied by a true love, will be for a lifetime. The couple will be considered mates by Vulcan custom and tradition.” Were they in love when she seduced him? She knew he loved her and she loved him. They had had admitted to feelings, but during their brief time of lovemaking they addmitted their love to each other.

So, according to Surak they were mates, she had been sure of that, but the writings confirmed it. She continued to look for more information. She found a reference to bonding: “If a couple share thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and it can be done over distance, then they are bonded.” That had been true of Trip and her. Their minds had joined in her white room over a very large distance, at least one light year. She remembered that she told him to leave when he had appeared. She later knew they were bonded when he was immune to the Orion women. She had told him so. They were mated and bonded according to Surak’s writings. What else . . . ?

Marriage? Why should she look that up? She and Trip had not been formally married. But still she was curious.  At last she found what she was looking for: "If a couple have a formal cermony, live together under one roof for a year, and are bonded then by law, custom and tradition they are husband and wife.” Suddenly it occured to her that she and Trip had lived under one roof. Enterprise had been their home for a year; that was one roof. But that is nonsense. One roof must mean the husband’s house. She searched some more in Surak but didn't find exactly what she was looking for. She stood, went to her terminal, and accessed the Vulcan database. Up popped the information she was looking for: "If a couple are joined in a ceremony and the husband does not have a house and the couple do not want to live in either parents’ house, they can live in one of their clans’ communal houses. They need not share quarters but must meet for meals and conversation during the day. There does not have to be any intimate relations until the husband's pon farr.” The Enterprise could be considered a communal house and the Starfleet crew Trip's clan.

So, they were mated, had lived under one roof for a year, and were bonded.

Still they had never had a formal ceremony. She looked up “marriage” in the data base. It said that the couple should have a ceremony, be mated, live under one room for a year, and be bonded; then they were considered husband and wife by law. She noticed the equivalent of what Humans would call an asterisk, denoting a footnote or other information. She accessed this:  “While very rare and contrary to Vulcan custom and traditions, if a couple are mated, live under one roof and are bonded, but are prevented by crisis or  distance from family from staging a formal ceremony, they may still be considered married within Vulcan law.”  She and Trip were husband a wife!

T’Pol was excited. A wife and widow had priority over family. She could claim Trip's body, take it to Vulcan to be laid with her mother and their daughter Elizabeth. She would join them later, so she would be at last together with him in death as they should have been in life.

Then her elation faded. She needed Trip to confirm they were mates and were bonded, and he was dead. She could not claim that she was his wife and widow. She felt she was being punished by fate: the same fate that had offered her the gift of Trip that she would not take. Then another thought came to her. Had she read the writings of Surak as it concerned them both, not just her, she would have discovered their status as husband and wife. She would have told Trip. She could then accept his love and give hers back in return. They would have found ways to be intimate and to keep their marriage a secret. After Elizabeth’s internment she would have been happy to take his love, strength, and comfort instead of coldly rejecting it as she had done. If she had done all this, he would probably still be alive.  If Trip had known how important he was to her, to everyone, he would have been less reckless with his life. But she had been too self-centered, too selfish. He had not mattered enough. T’Pol closed the book, turned off her terminal and lay on her bed, dispair flooding over her. So much had been laid before her, all she had to do was to take it, embrace it. She had failed herself and Trip.

The next morning T’Pol went to the dining hall. She had no appetite but perhaps a cup of tea would help. She got her tea, sat at a table for a few minutes,  stood up, and walked out. She had no desire for anything, not even tea. She saw Archer walking briskly near her. She moved to intercept him. She stepped in front of Archer. He stopped.

"So, did you hear my speech yesterday?" He said asked.

"No, I was occupied," said T’Pol.

"I am sorry you missed my speech," Archer said. “I never knew that being an admiral and trying to start a Federation meant so many meetings. I have to hurry.” He started to walk away.

"Wait, Wait,” T’Pol called after him,  “Do you know what arrangements have been made for Trip's . . .." her throat tightened and her voice faltered and then she continued, ". . . funeral?"

Archer did not look directly at her but said "No, nothing, yet. Got to go now"

T’Pol watched him leave.  Avoiding anyone she knew, she walked directly back to her quarters. When she got in, she noticed that there was an incoming message on her terminal.  She brought it up, was going to erase but habit made her read it. It said that the Tuckers had changed their minds, they were taking Trip's body to Florida for a small private funeral and burial at a spot near the ocean that he loved. She was invited to attend the funeral. After lowndoading the information onto her padd, the first thought that crossed T’Pol's mind was what to wear. She could not wear Vulcan funeral robe or grieving robes. They would be out of place and not appropriate. She needed Human garb. Hoshi would know the proper costume for a women at a Human funeral. T’Pol commed the bridge and located Hoshi.

"Ensign Sato, Hoshi," T’Pol began, "I need your assistance."

"For what?" replied Hoshi.

"I have been given an invitation to attend Commander Tucker's funeral.  It will be held three days from now in Florida." said T’Pol.

"Really? I didn't know that<" said Hoshi. "What kind of assistance do you need?

"I need to know what Human women wear to a funeral. I cannot wear Vulcan robes and I have no idea what to wear. I thought you might assist me in acquiring what I need," said T’Pol.

"There is a shop in San Francisco that specializes in Funeral clothing for women. I have time. We can go there today if you wish." said Hoshi.

"That would be appreciated," said T’Pol. "When and where can we meet?"

"I will come to your quarters, and we can take ground transport to the shop, a taxi," replied Hoshi. "I will be around in a half hour if that is all right with you."

"I shall be waiting," said T’Pol. T’Pol put on her Starfleet Uniform and tied a scarf around her head to hide her ears and bowl haircut. She looked in her bag to make sure she had her Starfleet Bank Card and waited for Hoshi to arrive.

Hoshi rang T’Pol door chime. 'Ready?" she asked when T’Pol came to the door.

"Yes," said T’Pol, closed the door and folllowed Hoshi outside to a Taxi which was waiting.

Later the two women entered a shop. A sales Lady approached and said, "May I help you?"

"Yes,” replied Hoshi, "This lady will be attending a funeral and would like to buy a proper outfit to wear."

"What does the lady have in mind" the saleslady said looking at T’Pol.

Hoshi spoke up. "She would like a black sheath dress with long sleeves down to the wrist, high neck up to the throat, black gloves, black pumps, and sheer black hose."

"And a Hat," added T’Pol. "One with a veil that covers the face and, if possible, the entire head including the ears.”

The woman looked at T’Pol but said nothing. She was used to strange requests from women attending Funerals.

"You will find a selection of hats over there,” she said pointing to an aisle a few feet away.

T’Pol and Hoshi walked over to examine the Hats. "What is you Hat size?' asked Hoshi.

"I don't know I have never worn a hat,” said T’Pol.

“Well, we will just have to take a few that look like they might fit into the dressing room, “ whispered Hoshi.

The woman came back with a question. What is your dress size and shoe size? The gloves will be easy. You will just try some on until you find a pair that fit.

Again, T’Pol was again at a loss. She had never worn a human dress and only Starfleet-issue boots. She knew the size of the boots and guessed that her shoe size would be the same. “Shoe size four," she said.

Hoshi who had been listening in, appraised T’Pol and said, “Size three in a dress."

"One moment" replied the saleswoman. She returned in a few minutes with a few dresses, some pumps and handed them to T’Pol. “You can use dressing room four,” she said.

Hosi and T’Pol entered the dressing booth, closed the door. They examined the dresses and T’Pol chose a simple sheath with no frills or pattern. She took off her uniform and put the dress on. It fit perfectly. “I will take this,” she told Hoshi.

"Now for the Hat," said Hoshi.

The hat fit, but . . . “I will need to have my hair cut in order for it to fit properly and cover my head,” T’Pol said. “Can you cut my hair for me?"

"Certainly,” Hoshi said. “It won't be professional, but I won't butcher it."

"That will be fine. My hair will grow back anyway," said T’Pol

"What if people ask you why you hair is cut?” said Hoshi.

"I will not be going out until I leave, so it won't be seen," replied T’Pol.

T’Pol put back on her uniform and scarf. The two women walked out of the dressing room into the store.

The woman put T’Pol's purchases in a large flat box and the shoes in a shoe box. She handed them to T’Pol.

The Taxi had been waiting for them. They got in and returned to Starfleet headquarters. The two women went to T’Pol's quarters, where Hoshi cut T’Pol’s hair.

"Now, let’s try on the hat again," suggested Hoshi.

 T’Pol put on the hat. It covered her head effectively. No sign of her face, ears, or hair showed. T’Pol could see out of the veil perfectly, but others could not make out her features from outside the veil. "This will do," she said to Hoshi.

"Do you want a scarf to cover your neck? Your complexion will be seen there.”

"I don't believe that will matter. Commander Tucker always said I looked as if I had a good tan, like people in Florida." Said T’Pol.

“Well then, I have to be running along," said Hoshi. She turned to leave and then turned back. "You were close to Commander Tucker weren't you?"

T’Pol ached to tell someone, anyone, how she felt about Trip. About her guilt and sorrow. It might ease her burden. To have another share the load with her. She hestitated for a moment, then decided to tell Hoshi. But first she had to make sure that Hoshi would keep the confidence.

"Can you promise not to say anything to anybody about what I am going to reveal to you?" asked T’Pol.

Hoshi looked perplexed and then replied, "If you wish to tell me something important, I can keep it to myself, I swear."

T’Pol breathed a sigh, gathered her thoughts for a moment, and then said:

"I loved him, I loved Trip, but never told him that. I hurt him terribly, treated him badly, would not return his love, although I knew I loved him. All of the time we were on Enterprise, I could have accepted his love, and it would have brought me great happiness. There was one time that I seduced him because of jealousy and fear of losing him to another woman. The next morning I lied to him, telling him I had simply been interested in ‘exploring Human sexuality.’  Now, I can see how wrong I was, how I should have taken him into my heart and given him mine in return. He is dead. Gone from my life forever and he will never know the truth. All this time he believed that I did not love him as he wanted me to. He was so confused because I would not let him go, yet I would not be his. I would give anything if only I could tell him that I loved him all of this time and now want so much to spend the rest of our lives together.  But there is no life to share now. All I can do is attend his funeral and hopefully be at the burial site to say goodbye to him. And this is something I hate, as it is final.  I want to preserve the thought of him alive and smiling at me, and I cannot do that if I know he is in his grave,” T’Pol told Hoshi.

"That is quite a tale,” said Hoshi. “He was so good, kind, gentle, yet strong. When he looked at you, I could tell how much he cared for you. A man like that comes along once in a lifetime, and it is a lucky woman who wins him. Especially if she loves him a much as you say you really loved him. I know that you have your Vulcan control and are viewed by most of the crew as the ‘Ice Princess’, but when Commander Tucker talked about you to me and Malcom in private, he lit up and said everyone was wrong: you had a depth of feeling that  just didn’t show, that there was a person below the exterior, one that he thought highly of. He didn’t say he cared about you, but Malcom and I could tell he was nuts about you."

"Thank you, Hoshi for listening and being honest with me. I value that," said T’Pol.

Hoshi stood. “Let me know when you return perhaps we can have tea together."

"That would be nice" said T’Pol. “I will contact you upon my return.”

After Hoshi had departed, T’Pol went to the com and puched the code for the Vulcan Embassy. When the Vulcan receptionist answered, she asked for Soval.

"Soval here, what do you need?

T’Pol told him without preliminatries, other than the traditional Vulcan greeting.

"I have been invited to attend Comander Tuckers funeral in Florida. I haven't had any experience in arranging transportation on Earth. I have always had either the Vulcan Embassy transport or Starfleet vehicles until now. How do I go about it?” replied T’Pol.

"When is the funeral?" asked Soval. "Let's see. Yes, you can use my personal flyer. The Consulate in Florida uses a man to drive Embassy personnel around.

"I will need to go to the church where the funeral will be held and If possible to go to the burieal site for the last rites. I know the location of both.

'You will need a limo then," said Soval. "That can be arranged by the consulate when they hire this man."

"How much will this cost me?" said T’Pol.

"Nothing," said Soval. "The Embassy will pick up the cost. Vulcan owes the Comander a debt and this is a little repayment for that debt.

T’Pol wondered what debt Soval meant, but she did not ask him about it.

T-Pol told Soval that she would be wearing Human funeral clothes,  not Vulcan robes.

"That would be best," Soval answered. "You wil be wearing them when you get off the flyer?"

"Yes. Thank you for everything," said T-Pol. “I will contact you when I return.”

Soval gave her the traditiional parting and signed off.

T’Pol only left her quarters once in the days that followed. She wanted some fresh air and a brief walk.  She ran into Archer who still seemed busy. T’Pol decided to return to her quarters in case she would meet anyone else.

On the day of the funeral, the driver dropped T-Pol at the entrance of the Church and drove off to park and wait for her.

The first thing that T’Pol saw when she entered the church was Archer dressed in an Admiral's full dress formal uniform, gold braid, and decorations. He was probably trying to honor Trip by wearing his Uniform as a tribute to Tip being in Starfleet.

T’Pol looked around to see if she could guess who was Trip's mother. Finally she asked a woman who pointed her out.

T’Pol walked up to Mrs. Tucker and said “I am T’Pol. Thank you for allowing me to attend . . . “ (she was about to say "Commander Tucker's funeral" but caught herself at the last minute) “. . . Trip's funeral."

"I know that Trip would want you here.  He wrote me letters that he did not want me to share with anyone, even his father. He wrote me many things. I always got the idea that he felt very deeply about you but that you hurt him in many ways. Still, he continued to care for you in spite of that. Once he seemed upset about something that happened between the two of you. He would not tell me what it was but I could tell he was very hurt by it. Still he continued to write about you in his lettrs. Once he was very happy. that was after he had transferred to the Columbia and then transferred back to the Enterprise. He seemed to think that you two had come to an undertanding of some sort. I cannnot understand. You didn't seem to want him but you wouldn't let him go so he could find another that he could be happy with and who would be good to him. Did you enjoy torturing my son?

T’Pol desperately wanted to say that she cared for Trip, even loved, him but she kept silent.

"It is good that you are dressed that way. No one will know who or what you are. Sit in the back corner of the church so you will not draw attention. You may at the end of the service view Trip for the last time, but be sure your are the last one in line so the others will have moved on.”

"Yes, I will do as you ask," said T’Pol and walked to the back of the church.

T’Pol saw Archer approach Trip's mother.  Using her Vulcan hearing, she listened to what he was saying to her.

"I am prepared to give the eulogy" Archer said.

"Trip's brother will give it," replied mrs Tucker.

"Can I speak afterwards?" Archer asked. “Please, I was his commanding officer.”

“Certainly, replied Mrs Tucker, but keep your comments brief.

"Thank you, I will." Archer assured her.

The service was very good. Trip's brother gave a very emotional and moving Eulogy. His description of Trip as a boy and young man caused T’Pol to want to have known him then. The euology showed a very close and loving family. Trip, his siblings, and parents sounded so much alike.

Archer’s words were heartfelt. "I knew how valuable Trip was. How much courage he had. I remember that Trip crawled on a cable between the Columiba and Enterprise, while both wre going at warp speed." He finished by saying how much he cared for Trip and how he and Starfleet had lost a good friend.

The last thing was the invitation for the guests to view Trip for the last time before the casket was closed. T’Pol made sure she was last to do so.

When she got to the casket, she was surprised. Trip was in his full dress Starfleet uniform. On his right side were two orders. One the Order of the Vulcan Star and the Other the Andorian Order of the Axe. She wondered when Trip received them. On his left there were two rows of decorations or medals; she didn't know which. He had never spoke about them. She felt a momentary pride. He was a courageous man she knew but had no idea that he had received the orders or the decorations. She moved on and toward Mrs Tucker.

"Again, thank you for allowing me to attend Trip's funeral. I wonder if I can ask one more thing? May I accompany the Casket to the burial site?

"Yes," said Mrs Tucker. "Trip would have wanted that also. I don't know what hold you had on him, what power you had. You hurt him but he still hoped that someday the two of you could become a couple. Make sure your limo is the last in the procession, and when you get to the cemetery, park away from the others. When you get to the grave side, stand away and in back so you will not be noticed." With that,  Mrs. Tucker turned and walked away.

This suited T’Pol's plans. She intended to do just exactly what Mrs. Tucker had said. She planed to stay behind so she could be alone with Trip's casket before the workers came to lower it into the grave.

So, T’Pol sat in the back of her Limo, thinking of the past, berating herself for the mistakes she had made, and wondering what might have been.

When the funeral procession got to the cemetary T’Pol had the driver park the Limo in a hiddden area where it would not be seen. She walked as fast as she could to the grave side. She was just in time. The minister was giving the last rites and the final prayer asking Trip's God to recieve his soul and keep it safe in the herafter for all eternity. T’Pol watched from behind a bush while the mourners filed away. At last she was alone. She slowly came out from behind the bush to make sure all were gone and she was really alone.

T’Pol walked to the grave and touched the casket. She began to speak. "Trip I cannot say goodbye. I have accepted a position with Starfleet at the Acadmey teaching science. I can visit here as often as possible. I regret that you have left me. I have nothing of yours. I do not even have your child to hold and comfort me. You offered me so much that I refused, and now I have nothing."

Then the control she had held so rigidly collapsed and the tears fell, they ran down her face and on to her dress. She made no effort to stop them. She hoped they would bring some kind of relief, solace. She welcomed them. Her body moved with her sobbing.

End Part One