Chapter 1

Learning To Live Again, Part 1

Rated: PG13

Summary: This (yet unfished!) story is about the relationship between Commander Tucker and Subcommander T'Pol that develops after ENTERPRISE has returned to Earth. The Xindi conflict is resolved, and now T'Pol wants to get her Starfleet commission.

Author's Note: I owe gratitude to Clicks, Jenna, and Vandiver for reading early drafts of this text and for providing me with much needed feedback. Thank you guys!

justTrip'n's note: This story is an unfinished story worth reading. We are happy to be able to archive it for our readers. Enjoy!

********

It was good to be back on Earth. Only now did Trip begin to realize under how much pressure they had been. How exhausted he had been. The first two days after their arrival had been strange. He could hardly remember them! They had arrived to a hero's welcome. A gigantic parade had been organized for them through the town of San Francisco, right up to the doors of Starfleet Command, where they received medals, commendations, speeches, and whatnot. He could hardly remember it. He had been in trance. Too many hands to shake, too many questions to answer, too many cameras, too many people! He wasn't used to being around so many people anymore.

He had arrived on Earth. Now he was a hero. They all were. But what for? At what cost? He didn't feel like a hero, he felt tired.

After answering a billion questions and then some, their debriefing was finally over now. ENTERPRISE had to undergo extensive repairs, and the entire crew had been sent on shore leave for two months. Everything had been taken care of. They could use shuttles to fly around as they pleased, Starfleet paid all the bills, he could stay in whatever hotel he liked. He could do whatever he wanted.

He could walk into every research facility and the people would love to show him around, let him take a look at anything that interested him. He could visit friends, see his parents, or just stay on the beach for a few days. Whatever idea he had, he just had to push a button and talk to the manager, or to Starfleet, and it would be taken care of.

He knew exactly what he wanted to do: He wanted to spend as much time as possible with T'Pol.

Only now, after a few days, could he really grasp what they had achieved. He had walked around in the city, just so, doing nothing. And the only reason he could was because they had stopped that weapon. Then he had finally realized that it was over, that they had succeeded in their mission. Finally his gaze had returned to the moment, to the future, instead of clinging to the past that could not be changed.

He was alive. Now he had to decide how to spend his life. This gift he had received the moment he had returned to Earth. And he knew that he wanted to spend his life with T'Pol. The idea of saying goodbye and going separate ways was ... just bad. He didn't want that. Only now could he realize how much she had changed him. How much knowing her had changed him. She had become important to him. He just hated the idea of not seeing her every day.

When had that happened?

When had attraction grown into something so strong? Was it the night she had offered to apply neuro-pressure for the first time? Was it that evening when he had stopped seeing her as a Vulcan? When he had realized how amazingly beautiful she was?

He had discovered that she was much more than a machine; that she knew empathy and compassion and humor; that she cared for others.

Or was it really the moment when he had discovered that she was vulnerable?

He couldn't tell.

He knew that he had still not dealt with his experiences in the Expanse. He was alive, yes, but he had not yet recovered. He needed her in more ways than one. She had helped him more often than he could count, and he still needed her help. It was being together with her that soothed him. She made him laugh. Was that possible? She, a Vulcan, made him laugh.

He had felt for her as a friend for more than three years. Without knowing it, he had relied on her and trusted her. He simply had! He had not decided »Starting now, I am going to trust her.« -- he simply had trusted her. When she had wrestled him into admitting to his attraction, he had probably been more surprised than she had been.

She had undermined his emotional defenses. She had walked straight through all his barriers, and suddenly he found himself standing right in front of her admitting to his attraction. And then everything had changed.

Was is love?

How could it not be?

He thought of her constantly, he missed her, he had difficulties focusing on pretty much anything else but her! And when he saw her, when they were together, everything just fell away and he was happy.

Of course it was love!

He just pushed the thought aside. He shouldn't think about things like that. That were all just words.

The point was: He had no idea what T'Pol really felt. He had no idea whether she really felt anything! He had no idea what her behavior in the past meant. He knew something was wrong, and he suspected he had something to do with it, but she had never told him what it was. He simply had no idea at all!

There was only one way to find out. He would spend time with her; as much time as possible.

********

Never in her life had T'Pol looked into a mirror for other reasons than to allow her gaze to reach a point it could otherwise not reach. Now she looked into a mirror. She found it curious how great changes often showed in small things. It had never before occurred to her that studying your own face would serve any purpose. But she knew the purpose now: so that you could see who you were.

She looked into the mirror and wondered who she was.

The last few days had been very taxing for her. She did not appreciate being the focus of so much attention; she preferred privacy. But she had been moved that Starfleet had awarded her all the commendations her fellow officers received, too, even though she was technically not even a member of the crew. She had appreciated the gesture.

Finally she had found some quiet and had meditated, thought, and made plans. She needed to determine who she was now.

Her experimentation with Trellium-D had left her damaged physically and emotionally. In the literal sense of the word: damaged. She could no longer achieve a perfect equilibrium of logic and order. Her brain was physically unable to do it. This meant that she felt emotions constantly now. She could not suppress them entirely anymore.

At first, it had been immensely distracting. By now, she had come to accept the fact. It was her own fault. She had wanted to learn more about combining logic and emotions. Now she had. She would have to continue that path. There simply was no alternative.

She looked at herself and wondered who she was. The T'Pol she had been for 65 years was gone. But who was that person looking back at her?

She would have to decide now. Should she embrace her heritage? Embrace logic? Perform the Kolinahr? That was not what she wanted. And it was almost certainly impossible anyway. She realized, she wanted to live with the emotions. She could not go back.

Starfleet had been unexpectedly open-minded about her involvement. They had treated her no different than the rest of the crew. The welcome had been unpleasantly loud and chaotic, but it had been warm. She had felt it. She had felt welcome. Could she ever feel like that on Vulcan? With her history of defiance? With Pa'nar Syndrome?

She almost laughed at the thought.

No. She wanted to combine her emotions with her logic. And if such a thing was possible, then it would be in the service of Starfleet.

She looked in the mirror one last time, before she went to her terminal to contact Captain Archer. She had begun to see who the person was that looked back at her.

********

Trip looked at his watch for the third time. He was early. He had tried to be casual about meeting with T'Pol, but it had been an hopeless attempt of fooling himself. He had even set an alarm to make sure that he would leave the hotel on time. And he had sat there and had watched the clock counting towards that alarm for 3 hours. Then he had left ten minutes early. Just to make sure he wouldn't be late.

He felt like an idiot.

Why was he so nervous? What was the big deal? He had seen her a thousand times ... but this time was different.

For the fifth time he checked that he was at the right spot. Fisherman's Wharf, right where the Cable Car ended. How difficult could that be? He had to relax.

When he finally saw her, he swallowed and closed his eyes for five seconds. He thought of nothing. She had taught him that. He could see the wild, stormy sea with closed eyes. But he controlled it. And by the sheer power of his will, he forced the waves to dissolve, he imagined the winds away, and then the sea was calm.

»Good afternoon, Commander Tucker.«

»How can you sound so awfully formal on a beautiful day like this, T'Pol?«

Trip grinned. He could see that she was in a good mood. And indeed, she walked up to him and without hesitation laid her hand on his shoulder to greet him, like she had done more often recently. It was a wonderful gesture. It had an almost magical effect on Trip. He had grown to associate this gesture with calm. The simple fact that T'Pol touched him so intimately told him: everything was safe. Because he knew she would never do it unless she felt completely safe. And she had never before done it in public.

He laid his own hand onto hers, like he had done more often recently, and just marveled at the way they could say so much more to each other than other people could. No-one and nobody had any idea how much intimacy had just been shared here. With T'Pol, the slightest touch was intimacy.

After a moment they released each other and T'Pol answered his earlier question.

»It is more appropriate than ever to be formal, Commander Tucker. I have news.«

»Now I am curious.«

»I will tell you later.«

»You're kidding, right?«

»Aren't you hungry, Commander?«

»T'Pol, please, just tell me.«

»I am hungry. We should find a restaurant, Commander. Can you recommend one that serves good salads?«

********

T'Pol sure was mean, but at least she didn't torture him by insisting to be quiet during the meal today. He had fully expected she would. But she was surprisingly lively herself. She really was in a good mood.

Which was good. Because he had it all worked out. The first stop of their vacation was Death Valley. She would love it there. And if they were in the mood, they could even go to Las Vegas! He would love it there. But it didn't matter, really, they could do whatever they wanted. The important thing was that they did it together. And once she had finally told him her news, he would ask her.

»Why is it more appropriate than ever to be formal, Subcommander? You wanted to explain that.«

»Because, Commander Tucker, you outrank me.«

»I do?«

»Yes.«

»Why is that?«

»I am a Cadet.«

Slowly his brain processed the information.

»At Starfleet Academy?«

»Yes. I will get my papers tomorrow: admittance number 247.«

»You're staying in Starfleet, T'Pol? You are serious?«

»Yes. I have talked to Captain Archer and it turned out to be no problem. Admiral Forrest himself gave the order to accept me into the Academy.«

»This is great news, Cadet.«

»I hoped you would be pleased, Sir.«

»I am! How long will it take to get your commission?«

»Two months.«

»I beg your pardon?«

»I will have it before ENTERPRISE has been re-fitted. It is merely a formality, Commander. I only have to take the necessary exams. No basic training, no flight simulations, no lectures to attend.«

»You just show up, take the exams, get your commission, and are out of the Academy in two months, T'Pol?«

»I have estimated the time required for the preparation, added the time required for the actual examination procedures, and arrived at 1298 hours - including sleep and meditation.«

»You will hold that record for eternity, T'Pol. I guarantee it.«

»I don't intend to set any records, Commander. I merely wish to become a Starfleet officer.«

»And that is great news, Cadet.«

Trip grinned at her happily.

Until a sudden realization hit him.

»You start tomorrow?«

»Yes.«

»And you will work two months non-stop?«

»Yes.«

»Don't you need any vacation?«

»No.«

»You are sure about that?«

»Yes.«

»I see.«

He chided himself for his selfishness, but there was no denying: He was disappointed. That meant there would be no time together. That meant, he would hardly see her until they had to go back on duty. He tried to swallow the disappointment, he knew it was idiotic. She had just told him she would join Starfleet! Why was he disappointed?

»What do you plan to do during your vacation, Commander?«

»Oh, I have no idea yet. I haven't thought about it.«

»I will be in San Francisco for the next two months, Commander. Should you decide to spend more time here ... I realize I will require a certain amount of leisure to compensate for the focused work during the day.«

»Leisure?«

»Yes. I cannot focus for two months continuously without any distractions.«

»So you would like me to distract you?«

»That is what you do best, Commander.«

He had no idea how she had done it, but all the disappointment had just vanished.

********

»You would like to work on the COLUMBIA?«

»Yes.«

»Commander, have you all gone nuts? Archer refuses to leave the ship, Subcommander T'Pol intends to embarrass all of humanity by getting her officer's patent in two months, Reed has volunteered for duty already, and now you want to work, too? Didn't you all stand in this very office six days ago and explained in great detail why everybody needed shore leave?«

»Admiral, it may sound strange, I know. But I need a warp engine nearby to relax. The COLUMBIA has no Chief Engineer yet, I know the boys in Engineering there could use some help from someone with experience.«

»Don't you need any vacation?«

»This is vacation.«

»You are certain?«

»Yes, Admiral.«

»Fine. You are a hero, Commander. You can do whatever you want. If you want to work ... so be it.«

»Would it be possible to get an apartment in San Francisco for the two months? I don't like hotels.«

********

At first Trip hadn't been certain whether this was a good idea. Something about this discussion with T'Pol irked him. Why hadn't she talked to him about this before she had made the decision? He had wanted to stay on Earth for a while. She could have gone through Starfleet Academy without working 18 hours per day, he could have written a dozen technical articles meanwhile, and everything would have been perfect!

He realized that he needed a change. To just go back to ENTERPRISE in two months didn't feel right. Many of the crew had talked about extended leaves of absence, about transferring to the COLUMBIA, about beginning a new chapter after these experiences. Every ENTERPRISE crew member could pretty much pick any position he or she wanted. They were the most experienced crew of the fleet. What an Ensign was on the ENTERPRISE could be a Chief Science Officer on any other ship.

Malcolm had been offered the First Officer position on the COLUMBIA. So he had volunteered to serve on the ship while everybody else was on vacation, to assess the ship and crew. That was just Malcolm, Trip had thought with a smile. Now he was on his way to the COLUMBIA, too. Perhaps he really was an idiot.

But once he had seen the ship through the shuttle window, he knew the idea hadn't been so bad after all. She was an impressive ship. She had been constructed with all kinds of enhancements, which were the result of ENTERPRISE's reports. What had been rigged up by his team, went straight into the designs of this ship. He could see numerous modifications that had been his idea. He smiled at the ship with pride. The idea hadn't been so bad after all.

Besides, what had he expected? T'Pol had basically invited herself on a date with him. Again! It was dumb to even consider being disappointed. Ever after that night in her quarters had she taken it slowly. Very slowly. Considering how much progress he had made reaching her in the last two months, this was a huge step!

He simply should have never expected anything. He had to realize that this was more difficult for her than for him. She had joined Starfleet; she had two months of hard work before her, she had practically abandoned her life on Vulcan - of course she wanted things to be under control at the moment.

He would have to give her time.

He almost jumped to attention when the gentle thump of the docking clamps ripped him out of his thoughts.

And then he laughed. All things considered: He felt great!

********

»Malcolm! It's good to see you on vacation.«

»You surprised me, Commander. I wouldn't have expected to meet you on duty for the next two months.«

»I just had to get a look at that engine. I hear the Vulcans have been more forthcoming with technology recently? Are there any enhancements besides what we have done?«

»Numerous. We use their injectors entirely now. I will show you around, introduce you to everybody.«

»How long have you been on the ship?«

»Three days.«

»How do you like it?«

»I have met most of the command crew so far and they appear to be very capable officers.«

»Of course they are. But how do you like it?«

»I enjoy being here.«

»You think you'll take the job?«

»I know one thing: Once you are First Officer, the next step is necessarily Captain. I could warm up to sitting in that chair, Trip. How about you?«

»I love my engines too much to become Captain, Malcolm. You know that. So, how do you get along with the other crew?«

»You'll meet most of them, probably. Everybody is eager to get her ready for the maiden voyage as soon as possible.«

»I remember that feeling.«

»Thank you for helping with the engines, Trip. The team really appreciates it. You are a legend down in Engineering, you know that?«

Trip laughed at the thought.

»Only because they don't know how much luck we had.«

»Remember when we overloaded the phase cannons and almost destroyed that asteroid when testing the modifications?«

»Hehe, the silent aliens hadn't seen that comin'.«

********

This turned out to be more difficult than she had anticipated. After only two days T'Pol was already behind schedule. She had failed to anticipate the emotional element in her plans. She could not believe she had missed something so obvious! She felt emotions now, and they were horribly distracting.

She just could not relax, she could not focus. She felt threatened. She was used to being treated less forthcoming than others, she was used to being the only alien in a group of humans. But here it was different. She felt not welcome at all. She could hear that she was being referred to by her species when they talked to each other. Nobody seemed to know her name.

She ignored the emotions as good as she could. But that was not good enough.

What did she have to do next? 3pm ... psychological evaluation. Wonderful. Just what she needed right now.

********

»Commander Tucker? You have an incoming call from Starfleet Academy.«

********

T'Pol had sounded strange during the short conversation, Trip thought while cutting the fruit that belonged into a Savas salad.

He had been to the Vulcan compound and had gotten fruits, vegetables, and other ingredients required to prepare Vulcan dishes. A fruit salad was fairly simple to prepare, so he would try that first. He had Pla-savas -- which he liked best so far, because they were bright blue --, Sash-savas, and Yon-savas. Plus two other fruits, but he couldn't even imagine how their names had to be pronounced. He would have to ask T'Pol for that.

He had cut himself twice already, because his thoughts always drifted to T'Pol, instead of staying with the knife in his hand.

She had sounded strange. Almost meek. Weird. When had he become an expert on reading her? In that night in her quarters he had told her, he wouldn't have to be an expert to read her. But that was not quite true. You had to be an expert to catch the subtle signs of her moods. He had become one, but since when?

T'Pol had changed in a subtle way in the last two months. She had become more open, more willing to engage in dialogue even if there was no logical necessity to speak. Every now and then, she even gestured! There was an expressiveness to her that had not been there before.

And curiously enough, these little slips in her control occurred only when they were alone. When she had stood on the Bridge, she was a rock. But when they had been alone, she had become ... softer, somehow.

Was he imagining things? Or was she really opening up to him?

He knew his mind wanted to turn somersaults because she had called him. But he tried to remain skeptical. He didn't want to expect too much again. He would just be happy that she came for dinner, and see where it went from there.

»No wild plans this times, Trip!« he said to himself, then looked back down at what he was doing and pulled his thumb out of the way at the last possible instant.

********

T'Pol walked up the street to the house his apartment was in. She realized she was walking faster than necessary. She would end up arriving early. But she also realized that was what she wanted. She wanted to see him as soon as possible.

Why was that? What was this effect he had on her?

She had asked herself that question numerous times, but she could not explain it. Perhaps it was the fact that he understood her so well? For the longest time she had refused to admit he did. But even when she still had been in full control of her emotions, he had often seen past that control. He had just guessed what she thought.

Back then she had found this curious. She had been fascinated by his capacity for empathy. But her perception had changed. She had come to realize how soothing it was to be around him.

Perhaps that was because he cared for her?

The sensation was still new to her, but she had grown fond of it quickly. Of all the emotions she had to feel, the ones she felt when she was with Trip were the most pleasurable ones. His presence was soothing. She felt safe when she was with him, she realized, because he cared for her.

Right now she felt like she had to combust from the painful sensations that buzzed in her head. She had underestimated the impact of these emotions significantly; she was certain that she wouldn't be able to meditate even if she tried! Everything had gone wrong so far - her plans were about to fail. She needed help.

Perhaps that was why she was drawn to Trip in this moment, why she wanted to see him as soon as possible. Because she knew he would help her. Because she knew he cared for her.

When she had reached his doorstep and pressed the button for the door bell, she realized her emotions had changed already. And when he opened the door and smiled at her, she knew what the difference was. After the experiences today, it had become blatantly obvious: she always felt welcome around him.

********

»The Savas salad is almost ready, T'Pol. Why don't you sit down and tell me about the Academy in the meanwhile?«

»I realize I am early. I apologize.«

»What for? Just give me a minute.«

He could hear her wander around in his apartment, while he cut the last two fruits. And he couldn't help but smile. Who would have thought? T'Pol was curious.

»Your apartment certainly is larger than mine.«

»Are you complaining, Cadet?« he asked with a chuckle.

»Not about the apartment.«

That got his attention. He put the knife down and walked over to the doorframe, so that he could see T'Pol.

»Is there anything else to complain about?«

»Commander ...« she began, but then didn't go on. Something was wrong, he could clearly see it.

»Are you having problems at the Academy, T'Pol?«

»I am not certain ... Commander, did you have to undergo a psychological evaluation when you joined Starfleet?«

»Of course. Everybody does, I guess.«

»What kind of questions have you been asked?«

»What do you mean?«

»Were you asked questions about intimate details of your private life?«

»Hell, no. I just talked with the guy for two hours. He asked me a few questions, but I had the feeling he really just wanted to talk. These evaluations are mostly to determine your communication skills, I have been told. Why do you ask?«

»I was asked a lot of questions which I perceived as inappropriate, Commander.«

»Can you give me an example?«

»The evaluator asked me for my sexual orientation, for example.«

»He did what?«

»He asked many rather ... intimate things.«

»Did you answer them?«

»At first. Then I told him that I failed to see the logic in his questions, because the information he wanted appeared to be irrelevant for determining my capabilities as an officer.«

»Damn right. What did he say?«

»He said: Wrong answer.«

»I hope you filed a complaint against the guy?«

»I tried to talk to Admiral Decker, but he was very uncooperative.«

»Admiral Decker is ...«

»The Academy's principal.«

»Right. So what did he say then?«

»He said that determining my ability to function under emotional pressure was an important part of the examinations.«

»Emotional pressure? Are they nuts? What has that to do with anything?«

»Admiral Decker explained that as a Starfleet Officer I would have to deal with emotional humans under pressure. So, he concluded, that ability of mine had to be examined.«

»By embarrassing you with inappropriate intimate questions?«

»It appears so.«

Trip had to digest that information for a moment.

»There is more.« she went on. »I have the impression that my fellow students don't agree with me being admitted to the Academy. I have overheard several discussion between the other Cadets -- between teachers, even -- and they appeared to be outright hostile.«

»Towards you?«

»To my species as a whole.«

Trip understood immediately what the problem was. It was prejudice. Simple and stupid prejudice. After all she had done for humanity, these assholes still held her species against her. He couldn't believe it! In this moment, he was almost ashamed to be human.

********

T'Pol felt powerfully drawn to him in this moment. She had swallowed and suppressed her emotions for the last two days, she felt physically sick because of all the negative energies she kept bottled up. She knew she had to release it. She had to learn to integrate these feelings into her consciousness. She had to deal with them. And the only one who could help with that was Trip.

Slowly she walked over to where he stood by the doorframe. She noticed how different his body language was from that of the other humans she had been with recently. How he didn't back away, flinch, or avert his eyes. He just stood there like a rock, she thought. He had become an immeasurable source of strength for her. He had become a focal point of her life.

When she stood before him, she reached out for his shoulder with her right hand, like she had done so often recently. The gesture had an almost magical effect on her. Every time he placed his own hand over hers in response, something changed. She could feel the warmth of his body. The warmth of his affection. It was soothing. His touch could replace those negative emotions by something that felt wonderful. She felt energized, invigorated - cared for.

There was something immensely intimate in their touch. She could not describe it ... Maybe it was his willingness to touch her that made the contact so enticing. This simple gesture of affection gave her safety. She knew, all she had to do was to take one step closer to him, and his arms would embrace her and hold her.

And so she did. She took another small step towards him and molded against his body. Something in her was deeply happy and satisfied that his arms did indeed close around her immediately, that he held her and pressed her against him, that he shared his warmth with her so willingly. She nuzzled her face against the nape of his neck to protect herself from the world, to hide the powerful emotions that broke free and showed on her face. For a long time she clung to him and gave in to her weakness, until finally his wonderful warmth had drowned out any other sensation, until she had finally found peace again.

********

»I may have made a mistake, Trip. I may have overestimated my abilities.«

»No way, T'Pol. Don't even think about that.«

»But it is the truth. I find it difficult to work efficiently under these circumstances, Trip. I know it should not affect me, but it does. I am already behind schedule -- after only two days!«

»T'Pol, this situation is no different than when you came aboard ENTERPRISE for the first time. These people have preconceptions. That will change once they know you.«

»Will it? Why do they even react like this, Trip? I don't understand it. I chose Starfleet because I assumed I would be welcome to serve, now I find out I am not welcome at all. It doesn't make any sense.«

»Try to see it from their perspective, T'Pol. Most humans do believe that Vulcans think of themselves as superior to them. And we both know that's even true to some extend.«

»But I do not.«

»Right, but that's not what they see. All they see is that you go through the courses that were designed to take three years in two months only. You don't participate in any classes, you don't take part in the simulated missions, you probably don't even eat in the cantina when you are on campus.«

»It is unnecessary to visit the classes, Trip. I know everything they teach there.«

»Of course you do. But that's not the point. The point is that you make your fellow students feel inferior. And that's exactly the wrong button to push.«

»You recommend that I eat in the cantina?«

»Yes. Just sit down next to some people and talk to them, T'Pol. Once they know you, the problem will go away. Just like it did on ENTERPRISE.«

********

The evening had turned out to be wonderful after all. Trip could not believe he was sitting on the floor with T'Pol in his arms again. For the whole evening she had been outright affectionate with him, and he realized he had hungered for that affection. He had wanted to hold her for months. Now that he did, he could not fathom how wonderful it was.

She seemed to fit perfectly into his arms. It just fit. It felt absolutely right to hold her like this.

Now he knew what had pushed him over the edge: It had definitely been the moment when he had learned that she was vulnerable. The moment when she had allowed him to see that she was not perfect, that she was not made of ice, like it seemed. Then he had begun to see the woman T'Pol.

Holding her gave him purpose. It was deeply satisfying to care for her. Just the fact that she allowed him to, that she had shared her thoughts with him was enough to make him euphoric. He had gotten another glimpse of the T'Pol underneath. He had been closer to the woman he desired than ever before. In strange way, holding her like this was profoundly more intimate than their encounter in her quarters ever had been.

»Thank you for staying in San Francisco, Trip.«

He pulled his thoughts out of his dreams and looked at her. She returned his gaze without hesitation, and for a long moment they just looked at each other. Trip was mesmerized. They had lit a only few candles in the room, and in the dark her pupils had opened wide. Her eyes were black, completely black. They looked at him with a strange openness. He had always found them beautiful, but at this distance, in this situation, her gaze reached deep into his soul and touched him. He knew he was lost.

Finally she looked forward again, straightened herself, and got up slowly. He knew she had to leave. And he hated it.

»Would you like to go out tomorrow evening, T'Pol? I still owe you a drink, remember?«

»7pm?«

********

»Admiral Decker? I hope I am not disturbing you. My name is--«

»Commander Tucker! Don't be ridiculous, I know who you are. Please come in.«

»Thank you, Admiral.«

»What brings you to the Academy on this morning, Commander? Would you like to enroll, too?«

»No.« Trip laughed politely. »I just wanted to see the place. It's quite an impressive complex.«

»It is, Commander. Everything is brand new, we are quite proud.«

»I can imagine.«

»Would you like to see some of our facilities?«

»Unfortunately, I don't have that much time right now.«

»Perhaps some other time? Or -- now that I have you here personally -- could I maybe convince you to agree to teach a guest lecture at the Academy? Your work has been crucial for the development of the enhanced engines, it would be a privilege to hear your insights.«

»Really? I like the idea, actually.«

»Pick any date that's convenient for you, and we'll have it organized, Commander. Like I said, it would be a privilege.«

»There are some crucial modifications we made to the warp relays on ENTERPRISE, that could be an interesting subject for an advanced engineering class.«

»Perfect!«

»Of course, I just performed the upgrades. The designs were made by Subcommander T'Pol. Perhaps it would be even better if she held that lecture?«

»I ... uh. I'm not certain, Commander. It would be a special privilege for the students to have you here. That might be even more important than the just technical aspect. The ENTERPRISE crew is held in very high rega-«

»Subcommander T'Pol has been on ENTERPRISE ever since the ship was launched.«

»Of course, of course. I just don't think it would be appropriate.«

»Why not?«

»I doubt she would have the time to prepare the lecture, given her aggressive schedule.«

»I doubt she would have to prepare the lecture, Admiral.«

»Commander, I understand your loyalty towards Miss T'Pol-«

»Subcommander T'Pol.«

»Cadet T'Pol, Commander. This is a Human institution, Vulcans don't teach courses here.«

»Once Subcommander T'Pol has her commission, Admiral, Starfleet will no longer be a purely Human institution. Perhaps you should reconsider?«

»I might once she has her commission, Commander. But to be frank, I have my doubts. The idea that this arrogant Vulcan would ever command a Human starship is outrageous. She cannot empathize with her crew, she cannot truly lead a crew of humans in a situation of crisis.«

Trip knew he would explode any second now.

»She has done so numerous times on the ENTERPRISE.«

»But she had not been Captain. She only took command for short periods of time - and she had you and Lieutenant Reed to rely on. If we give her a commission, we'll have to grant her captaincy eventually. And before we do, I want to know that she can perform in situations of emotional pressure.«

Fine.

Trip got up from his chair, placed his clenched fists on the desk between them, and leaned forward towards the other man who backed away instinctively.

»Listen, you asshole. You and your fancy Academy would be dust by now, weren't it for Subcommander T'Pol. You only dare to pull this shit off because you know that she won't say anything. But I will. I will get the entire senior staff of the ENTERPRISE together for a press conference and explain in great detail why we think the Academy's treatment of our friend is racist. Then we will find out how you deal with emotional pressure. Do I make myself clear, Admiral?«

********

Trip had seen immediately that T'Pol was in a good mood when she had arrived in the evening. They had gone to a nice restaurant he knew nearby and had ordered salads. But she wasn't silent during the meal, she talked like a waterfall.

»... then I tried to see it from Admiral Decker's perspective. And I realized that he was probably worried about my capabilities to interact with humans!«

»But you have done that for years, T'Pol.«

»Of course I have, but he couldn't see it. He couldn't judge it. It's illogical, but it's just the way humans are, Trip.«

»I see.«

»So I just went to his office and talked to him. It turned out to be no problem at all! Once I had explained my position, he was very reasonable. The discussion was very productive.«

»So these stupid evaluations are off now?«

»Yes and no. I proposed that instead of taking the exams, I would participate in the classes and simulations. There is no point in examining my physics skills, Trip. I know everything. But by the everyday interaction with the other Cadets they can determine whether I can cooperate with humans sufficiently well. Which is what they want to know -- and what I have to learn.«

»That's a good idea.«

»That's what the Admiral thought, too. I should have spoken more openly with him right away!«

»So starting tomorrow you'll be sitting in classes?«

»Yes. And I do look forward to it. It had never occurred to me that my time at the Academy would be a chance to learn something. I had assumed it was, basically, a waste of time. So the perception the other humans had of me was, in fact, correct. It is quite obvious now.«

Trip just sat back in his chair and marveled while she kept on talking. She was radiant! He had not seen her in such a particularly good mood for months. And all he could think about was that she was breathtakingly beautiful.

********

Trip threw the door of his apartment shut, jumped through the room in a strange pattern, and just fell onto the couch. He nearly swooned with happiness. They had been to a Jazz club after dinner. He had bought her the drink he »owed« her, and they had spent a WONDERFUL time. She was a lot more reserved in public than she had been the evening before, but this only made the short touches they shared all the more valuable. Every time her fingers brushed over his it felt as if he had stolen from the cookie jar!

One song had particularly gotten to her. She had sat there with closed eyes and had listened, and her hand had lain in his in this moment. He had felt like a teenager!

He had to relax. He had to calm down. He wasn't 16 anymore, for crying out loud.

But it was just impossible: He was too happy to relax!

********

T'Pol stood in the Academy's cantina and studied the available dishes. The salad appeared to be her best option. While waiting for her meal, she looked around in the room and found several other Cadets gathered around one of the larger tables. She could hear what they spoke. They talked about her. About the Vulcan. Perhaps it was time that she introduced herself?

Their discussion ceased when they saw her walking towards them. They looked at her with an expression of astonishment when she had finally arrived at the table. T'Pol found it almost amusing!

»Is this seat taken?«

She waited a considerable amount of time, but nobody said anything. So she just sat down.

»I hope I have not disturbed your conversation?« she asked, looking at the young man sitting opposite of her. He swallowed! It really was amusing.

»No, Ma'am. We were--«

»T'Pol.«

»Excuse me?«

She repeated it a bit louder, so that everybody could hear her.

»My name is T'Pol.«

The young man appeared to be thoroughly confused. But then his cultural upbringing seemed to kick in, and he reacted like he was taught to.

»Hi. I am Marcus.«

»Pleased to meet you.« T'Pol responded and offered her hand. He shook it without hesitation.

And suddenly they all introduced.

********

Trip sat in his temporary office on the COLUMBIA and stared past the computer screen uselessly. He felt like an idiot for being so emotional. T'Pol wouldn't approve at all, he thought with a chuckle. He really should get a grip on himself. But how? And why? It felt wonderful!

He remembered the moment when they had arrived at the Jazz club. He couldn't describe it, but there had been something unbelievably fulfilling about entering the room together with her. That this amazing women stood next to him had made him feel ... Was it pride?

Yes, he knew he had beamed with pride. He had been the biggest fish in the pond that night.

What was it that made her so special? Why could she make him feel like that? Was it her looks? Was it the added kick that she was his superior officer? Was it because she was an exotic alien? What was it? Why had she so much power over him?

There was something mind-blowing about the moment he had held her in his arms two nights ago. The T'Pol he had come to know was tough as nails. A rock, really. She didn't need anyone or anything. She could not be pushed around, she could not be intimidated, she could not be coaxed or deceived. She was strong!

Yet, she had been so soft and vulnerable ... Perhaps that was it? Perhaps, the idea that this powerful woman needed him was what made him proud. That there was something he could give her gave him purpose. Caring for her and protecting her was so satisfying because she was so strong! She didn't share her weakness with just anybody - she had shared it with him. She didn't need just anybody - she had needed him.

Wasn't that a good reason to be proud?

»Commander? COMMANDER? Huhu?«

Trip blinked, only to find half the COLUMBIA's engineering team grinning at him. When had they entered the room?

»Are you all right, Commander? You appear to be preoccupied this morning.«

»I ...«

Trip was certain his face was bright red. He could feel it.

»I wonder what Commander Tucker has been up to yesterday evening.« Ensign Benson said in a mocking tone, as if she were thinking out loud. One of the other engineers picked up the lead.

»It must have been pleasurable. Perhaps the new injector specifications arrived?«

»Yeah, that would explain the happiness.«

»Or could it ...«

»You think?«

»A woman, maybe?«

»Listen,« Trip tried to deflect the subject, »aren't you all lacking a little bit of respect for the ranking officer here?«

»It would explain the happiness.«

»Perhaps that's the reason why he stays in San Francisco, rather than on the ship?«

»It would also explain all those calls from the Academy he gets.«

»Ensigns,« Trip tried again, »don't you think it's inappropriate to speculate about a senior officer's private life?«

»Why don't you end the speculation, Commander? We want details!«

********

Two weeks later.

********

T'Pol enjoyed the simulated training missions thoroughly. She had thought long and hard, she had studied the point from all possible sides, she had even recalled the appropriate chapters from the teachings of Surak -- and she had concluded: She enjoyed it. There was no better way to put it.

In a way, she had almost nothing to do during the simulations. Performing her duties required less than a tenth of her focus. She could handle the console without looking, she knew all the procedures, she had been through this in the real world thousands of times. Nonetheless, the training missions were a pleasurable experience. She might not be able to learn more about handling a starship, but she had made great progress in understanding humans!

As distracting as her newfound emotions were, she realized that listening to them gave her new insights. She could connect to the crew on a level she hadn't even known before. Suddenly, she could tell when a Cadet was nervous and needed to be reassured! And even more importantly, she was able to see how the humans dealt with these emotions, how they reacted to the signals they sent each other subconsciously.

She had never appreciated the delicate emotional balance a group of humans maintained, the effort they put into reading and responding to each other feelings. She had known this theoretically before, of course, but now she could feel how the atmosphere changed after a friendly remark, after giving someone a reassuring glance.

In retrospect, many of the questions she had not been able to answer became perfectly clear. Her initial difficulties in interacting with the ENTERPRISE crew were easily explained: She had not cared about anyone's emotions; she had not reacted to any of the signals; she had never picked up any subtle mood! Thus, they had not been able to communicate with her. They had not felt comfortable around her.

And apparently feeling comfortable around each other made a great difference in terms of the efficiency of the whole group. In a manner of speaking, it was logical to attend to the emotions of the humans around her. Wasn't that a perplexing insight?

Would she have ever been able to understand that, weren't it for the fact that she felt emotions too now? Was it possible that her damaged control would, in the end, turn out to be beneficial for her?

She wasn't yet prepared to go that far, the memory of the distress she had felt was still too fresh to be forgotten. She would need more time to answer that question.

Absently-minded she registered that Cadet Meyers, who manned the weapons console, seemed to be shifting nervously. A look at her sensors told her that hull plating generators 3 and 4 had just broken down in the simulation. She watched the young man's hands fly over the keyboard, but she could tell he hadn't found the proper solution yet. She could see tiny drops of sweat forming on his brow.

She looked into his direction and waited. Somehow she knew their gazes would meet soon. And when they did, she mouthed the words »Relay 4« into his direction, careful not to attract any attention. He didn't understand her at first, so she showed him the number with the fingers of her right hand and mouthed »Relay« again. Then he understood, nodded, and turned back to his console. 7 seconds later, she could see the hull plating coming back online -- and Ensign Meyers was smiling up to his ears.

---