Eight Simple Rules for Entering the Armoury

By JadziaKathryn

Rating: PG

Genres: humour


This story has been read by 1469 people.
This story has been read 2415 times.

Title: Eight Simple Rules for Entering the Armoury

Author: JadziaKathryn

Rating: PG

Summary: Malcolm's having a bad week.

Disclaimer: Property of Paramount, no profit made.


On the way to his phase pistol recertification Travis stopped outside the armory. A piece of paper taped to the door caught his eye. It was covered in Malcolm's blocky, easy-to-read handwriting:

Eight Simple Rules for Entering the Armoury:

1. Phase pistols are not toys. They may not be borrowed for theatre props or Halloween costumes. Removing the batteries does not make this a more acceptable proposition. If that is the purpose of your visit, please come no further.

As far as Travis was concerned, this was good news. The last time there was a play on Enterprise, his favorite part had been the creative use of various items as props. He thought a carved turnip as the skull for Hamlet was absolute genius.

2. Gym sessions are not for fun; they keep us prepared for hand-to-hand combat. Mocking our gym sessions upon entering will be considered a request for a demonstration. In this demonstration your participation will be required.

That had to be aimed primarily at Hess. The assistant chief engineer was a big fan of teasing. She was also a big fan of practical jokes; Travis had an ongoing practical joke war with her, which explained why his hair was currently blue.

3. Every crewmember is notified via email three weeks before phase pistol certification expires. It is then the responsibility of the crewmember to make a recertification appointment. Failure to do so does not obligate armoury personnel to conduct on-demand recertifications so that you can go on an away mission in an hour. We will accommodate your negligence if possible, but if we are busy, we will not lose sleep over your missing the away mission.

Travis was glad he'd made his appointment two weeks ago. He also was beginning to understand why Malcolm disliked phase pistol recertification, if this was the kind of thing that went on. It did beg the question of who'd tried rushing in and asking for on-the-spot recertification, which Travis resolved to ask Malcolm later.

4. We are aware that juvenile minds find an easy comparison between torpedoes and male anatomy. Are you aware of how loud security drills outside your quarters at 0300 can be? Consider that for a moment.

Oh dear. Malcolm wasn't pulling any punches. Travis knew his friend had been a bit stressed for the past few days, but clearly things had gotten worse.

5. There is a significant difference between guarding and entertaining. If you want babysitters for alien children, please look elsewhere.

Travis privately thought Malcolm was annoyed because half of his on-duty staff volunteered to babysit, probably in the hopes of avoiding crawling in Jefferies tubes doing maintenance. It had worked out alright in the end, though. The Malnax could fly, so watching after seven young Malnax had been an exhausting experience by all accounts.

6. Any training proposals involving the armoury must be submitted exactly as the drill will proceed. If the drill is modified, the proposal must be resubmitted.

Now there was an interesting story. A few of the MACOs had set up a boarding drill in the armory and decided to use Silly String after Malcolm had approved the proposal. When he entered his domain halfway through the exercise, he was horrified. The MACOs involved insisted that they had a valid tactical reason for using Silly String, but four days later not one of them would spill what happened during the fifteen minutes they'd spent in Malcolm's little office with him.

7. Food and beverages are prohibited. The armoury is full of sensitive equipment, unlike the mess hall, which was designed for the express purpose of providing a place to consume food and drink.

That was the captain's fault, but he felt so guilty Travis figured Malcolm could get away with this snarky almost-insubordination. Archer had accidentally sloshed coffee on phase cannon controls. It took Malcolm and two of his team four and a half hours to repair the damage, during which time phase cannons were offline (and Malcolm was never happy about phase cannons being offline in 'potentially hostile locations.') The next morning Malcolm asked for phase cannon testing on an asteroid to test the repairs and the captain, still feeling badly, couldn't agree fast enough.

8. A department head may be overruled in his/her department only by the captain and/or first officer. (Ref. Starfleet Regulations 19, article A, section 1, paragraph 3.)

There was exactly one person besides the captain and T'Pol who outranked Malcolm, so he might as well have added, 'Commander Tucker, this means you.'

All in all, this probably wasn't the best time for phase pistol recertification, but Malcolm insisted on supervising senior staff recertifications personally. Travis took a deep breath before carefully entering the armory.




:D I love it, thank you!


Heh, loved this - really funny and I can definitely see Malcolm posting something like this on the door of the armory. And I loved Travis' internal commentary on the rules!

Lady Rainbow

I can so see Malcolm posting these on the door of the Armory. Poor man must have had one heck of a stressful week or something...

I love #8, aka "Commander Tucker, this means you!!" :p


Great story, JK



Don't mess with Malcolm. Funny story. :D


OMG that was so funny.  And it was so in character too.  I could totally see Malcolm posting something like that.  I laughed the entire story it was great.


Nice touch- a light, amusing and definitely funny series of situations, all of them so Malcolm . I loved it Thanks


Very funny.  Thanks.




This was a lot of fun!  Malcolm has obviously had some problems lately.  He's really cracking down.  It's no wonder that Travis wishes he could be somewhere else.  Terrifc story!


Poor Malcolm, he does not suffer fools lightly. If you have business in his armoury, it better be regulation. Very funny.


:p Poor Malcolm REALLY needs a girlfriend.  Very entertaining.


:D Very Famusing Jadzia Kathryn,I definitely can see Malcolm posting these rules.


I love these kinds of short stories!!!   An ordinary everyday sort of notice or diary entry or reminder note page which reveals quite a lot about personalities and current situations.   Seemingly mundane stuff revealing underlying crew interactions and even some profound truths.  And sugar coated with humor!  Just about the most delicious kind of story.  Very creative!  Thank you!     


OMG I can't breath I'm laughing so loud!

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