Certain Unavoidable Symptoms May Occur

By THECURSOR

Rating: PG

Genres: humour romance

Keywords: pregnancy

This story has been read by 903 people.
This story has been read 1286 times.


Disclaimer: The characters, plot, and places of Star Trek: Enterprise are the property of CBS and Paramount. No profit was made from this story, and no infringement was intended. This work was produced solely for entertainment.

Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Summary: Pregnancy…the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of Trip and T’Pol Tucker as they try desperately not to go insane after T’Pol contracts a very Vulcan condition during her year long pregnancy.

 


Week 1

Phlox almost always forced himself to suppress a smile when treating human patients. They were so jumpy and jittery during their examinations, afraid that the tiniest medical abnormality will end in a fatality.

And nothing brought out those insane emotional reactions better then the words: “I have your test results.”

Before the last syllables left his lips, Commander Tucker was up out of his chair pacing back and forth, an instant nervous wreck. He was sweating, his fingers were twitching, his entire body was a tense ball of emotion. But the punch line, the part that was going to have Phlox ticklish for days on end, was that these weren’t even Tucker’s test results.

From her place on the examining table, T‘Pol was resisting the urge to frown at her human husband‘s nervous gallop from one end of the room to the other. “Charles, there is no need to pace.”

Trip didn‘t stop entirely but did slow down, suddenly aware that he was pacing but his ego refused to let him admit how scared he was. “I’m not pacing,” He said but put his right foot in front of the other none the less, “I’m walking, it helps me think.”

This time she did frown, which was a very decadent facial expression for a Vulcan woman. “Then stop walking, it is illogical.”

As entertaining as Phlox found this, the doctor decided that it would be better to stop the coming lover’s spat and simply cut right to point. He had good news after all and he really was excited about sharing it. “Mr. and Mrs. Tucker, you are officially pregnant.”

The reaction was about what Phlox expected: Trip leaped for joy and shouted happily while T’Pol merely held her head a little higher in silent pride. She murmured a little about that being ‘highly acceptable’ news and when the excitement died down, Phlox could swear that the stoic Vulcan was positively beaming.

“Now I’m going to take your temperature,” Phlox said as he removed a skin temperature thermometer and placed it across T’Pol’s forehead, “And we’re going to schedule another appointment for next week then every week for the next 52 weeks.”

“A year?” Trip’s jaw hit the floor, “Seriously?”

Phlox was only partially listening to Commander Tucker now; he was more interested in T’Pol and the readings from the skin temperature sensors. “Welcome to a Human-Vulcan Pregnancy, Commander, it’s a new experience for everyone.” The device beeped once, indicating it was almost done with its cycle.

“As I’m sure you’re already aware, T’Pol, one in twenty pregnant Vulcans are at risk for an extreme series of mood swings.”

“We refer to it as the Shu Tu Farr.”

“Yes, ‘Hunger Madness’. Normally I’d administer sedatives for that but since your baby is half human,“ The thermometer beeped again and Phlox returned the small flashing device to it’s carrying case then made a notation on T’Pol’s chart, “If this condition arises you’ll be forced to cope with it on your own.”

Trip cringed a little, “It can’t be worse then her Pon Farr, right?” This was both a statement and a question, because T‘Pol‘s mating madness was still very fresh in his mind and he wasn’t sure if he could take a repeat of his darling wife chasing him like a wild animal and threatening to kill him.

But his question went unanswered since both Phlox and T‘Pol were both completely engrossed in their conversation, “Also you might experience a craving for high protein foods like rice, meat, or mil-”

“I do not consume animal products, doctor, my pregnancy will not change that.”

“Yes, well the baby is half human and not aware of your diet choices-”

T‘Pol‘s voice had a firmness that was much more insistent then her normal flat tone, “I am sure that I will be more then capable of controlling such urges, the child will simply have to adapt to vegetarian alternatives.” Phlox smiled as he heard the famous last word of a first time parent: ‘adapt’.

“If you insist.” he said.

Week 5

Unsatisfying. That was the word T’Pol had been looking for. For some reason her side salad was unsatisfying. There wasn’t anything wrong with the salad. It was prepared exactly to her specifications. It was no different from the hundreds of other salads that Chef had made for her over the years. But it didn’t taste the same, there was something missing.

Across the room, Hoshi Sato was eating her own salad which seemed to be made of similar ingredients but T’Pol realized there was something that made it look better. Something substantial.

The hungry Vulcan didn’t even realize she was walking across the room until her legs stopped moving, placing her right in front of Hoshi’s table. “Excuse me, Ensign.”

“What can I do for you Commander?” Hoshi’s breath had some sort of new aroma in it, a strange smell that T’Pol was unfamiliar with. She felt her mouth water each time Hoshi parted her lips.

“May I inquire what is in your salad?”

“Oh, just some spinach, some peanuts, a little grilled chicken…”

So that was the smell, avian meat cooked on an open flame. Dripping with warm juicy-“Thank you, Ensign. You have been most helpful.”

Week 10

T’Pol never questioned the validity of Surak’s teachings but now she was beginning to wonder what could’ve possibly possessed the great master of Vulcan thought to live a life without consuming meat. It was rich and juicy and there were so many wonderful ways to cook it! Her latest discovery was barbecue and it was positively heavenly. The various sauces, the dozens of spices, the tangy mixture of sour and sweet.

Initially, she was disappointed to learn that Chef reserved barbecue for only special occasions and that she would have to wait a whole month until the next major Earth Holiday to enjoy it, until she discovered that her husband’s regional heritage included an extensive knowledge of human barbecue recipes.

Using a series of old metal containers and a cluster of spare parts, Trip had fashioned a passable electric barbecue that could both smoke and broil all the pork and beef his Vulcan wife could possibly desire any time she needed it.

And T’Pol needed it more and more as time went on. Her diet was all meat now; she ate it at every meal cooked with every method you could possibly think of. To a human a diet like this might mean serious health problems but for a Vulcan it just meant more energy. With her body now working over time to support her child’s growing body, what was once a soft bump in her abdomen was quickly swelling larger and larger.

But losing your figure was a small price to pay for a tiny life growing inside you and T’Pol happily engorged herself on every scrap and every morsel put in front of her, less and less reluctantly as time went on.

“Tomorrow I can show you how to make Caribbean Jerk Chicken.” Trip said with a laugh as his wife continued stuffing her face.

T’Pol sighed between bites and held her husband’s hand lovingly, “You are wonderful husband.”

Week 15

Their bodies melded together in a familiar dance as they tumbled onto the bed inside their darkened quarters. Soon they were intertwined dancing beneath the sheets, deep in a passionate embrace. Trip positioned himself on top of her and started his journey up the body of the woman he loved, starting from the tips of her toes, up her legs and across the landscape of her skin. He took a deep breath, filling his nose with the soft scent of his wife‘s body. He loved her smell! She smelled like flowers and honey and…bacon? “T’Pol, are you eating?”

Week 20

As a junior member of the cooking staff, Ensign Davis had heard more then his share of unusual requests at lunch time. Mushrooms and Peanut Butter, Chocolate and cheeseburgers. One time some one even asked him if the fish they were serving was fresh. Fresh fish…on a space ship! But nothing quite topped the order currently flashing on his view screen. Davis stared across the buffet table in disbelief, “You want what?!”

T‘Pol was not herself. She‘d gained weight, which was an expected part of pregnancy, but she‘d also changed color. Her skin had shifted from slightly olive to deep forest green. She was sweating more, a lot more. The dark bags under her eyes spoke of a woman so nauseous that she couldn‘t sleep anymore. But more then anything else she looked hungry. Very hungry. “I want you to serve it to me raw.” Her voice was strained and cracked, and there was a definite rasp when she breathed.

“That’s against regulations-”

“DON’T QUOTE REGULATIONS TO ME, HUMAN WORM!” T‘Pol reached across the buffet table and grabbed the Ensign by his collar. Dishes flew in all directions and silverware clattered to the floor as the other crewman in the lunch line high tailed to a safe distance. “NOW GO GET MY MEAT!” She screamed and Davis saw his life flash before his eyes. When the Vulcan finally released him, he was already off and running, heading straight into the kitchen for fill her order.

Week 40

“How long as she been….” Trip hesitated to call what his lovely wife was doing ‘eating’. It was more like she was ‘inhaling’. He settled on something neutral, “…like this.”

Beside him the stunned Chef shrugged. “An hour maybe,” The two men ducked as a flying chicken bone nearly collided with their heads, “Commander, I’m begging you, get her out of my kitchen!” There was a loud crash from somewhere inside the ground zero once known as the Enterprise Kitchen and Trip saw the utter desperation in the Chef’s eyes and Trip sighed. He had to go in there.

“You owe me.” He muttered, and then prepared himself for what could be the last conversation of his life.

Before food replication technology, most Starfleet vessels came equipped with their own fully stocked kitchen, with months of food rations and emergency supplies designed to keep over a hundred human bellies fat and happy. Starfleet failed to account for T’Pol. In one sitting, she had consumed over thirty pounds of food and she was still eating. She was hunched over the table, her face buried inside a plate of uncooked food. Trip stood next to her, waiting for her to even acknowledge his presence but she didn’t even seem to notice. He reached over to touch her on the shoulder but hesitated when an irrational thought crossed his mind: ‘What if she tries to eat me?’

“Um, Honey?” She looked up and Trip saw a face that was suddenly all sweetness and cherry pie, which only made him more uncomfortable. Vulcans shouldn’t smile, it was unsettling. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course, why do you ask?”

Trip debated telling her that she was acting like something out of a horror movie and that Jon was considering posting armed guards outside their quarters. “Nothing, no reason.” He searched his vocabulary for the right way to break the news to her. “Its just that some people, not me, but some people say you’ve been a little-”

“A little what?” The sweetness disappeared abruptly and her fist slammed onto the table, “A little what? Who are these people that are saying this Charles? WHO HAS BEEN TELLING YOU THESE VICIOUS LIES?”

Trip ducked as a spoon flew through the air and landed in the wall next to him.

Week 50

One year of pregnancy, a painful procedure to induce labor, and a birth that lasted 8 hours…resulted in a baby named Charles Lorian Tucker being born into the universe on Friday, January the 6th. He was very small and underweight for a Vulcan baby but large for a Human child. The boy cried a lot and didn’t actually sleep for the first several hours of his life, Phlox wasn’t sure but he assumed that meant the baby’s sensitive Vulcan hearing hadn’t adjusted to life on a noisy human space ship. Trip’s hypothesis was a little less scientific but not less accurate: his son was born as stubborn as his mother and as loud as his father.

The baby finally started sleeping at around 11 o’clock that night, finally giving Mom and Dad a chance to admire their little miracle without ear piercing shrieks. “Hey there little guy.” Trip whispered, half afraid he’d wake their little bundle of joy-slash-piss and vinegar, “It’s good to know you can do something’ other then scream your head off.” There was a breathless sigh from the rumpled medical bed next to him and T’Pol murmured her agreement. The painkillers were keeping T’Pol from fully participating in the conversation but it was pretty clear she felt the same way. After the year they’d both had, a few minutes rest were more then welcome.

Trip stood up and stretched. He was more hungry then tired at the moment and decided that the time had come to fill his belly with something, anything. He turned to his wife before he left, “You want me to get you something to eat honey? Doc says you can have something to eat if you want.”

“Actually, Charles…I’m not very hungry right now.”

THE END


Comments:

Scarlet

This is so great :p I laughed so loud that my mother started giving me strange looks, so I had to explain her.And I read her the part with "Trip’s hypothesis was a little less scientific but not less accurate: his son was born as stubborn as his mother and as loud as his father." and “It’s good to know you can do something’ other then scream your head off.”

I agree with Linda, it's a little extreme for a pregnancy, al least for a human one.But who knows the truth about Vulcan pregnancies ... :p

Kersha

I have to agree with Smiles...eating bacon during foreplay is hilarious!:D

Smiles
OMFG!!!! This had me laughing so hard my side is splitting! My brother is giving me wierd looks cuz i\'m laughin so hard!!! My favorite part is when T\'Pol was eating bacon while she and Trip were doin the boom boom in the bedroom. Hehe. :D
Escriba
This is just too great... I'm still laughing. Best part: [i]“Its just that some people, not me, but some people say you’ve been a little-” “A little what?” The sweetness disappeared abruptly and her fist slammed onto the table, “A little what? Who are these people that are saying this Charles? WHO HAS BEEN TELLING YOU THESE VICIOUS LIES?” [/i] Amazing fic!
Dinah
Wow! I'm guessing that Charles Lorian is going to be an only child. I enjoy this immensely. A pregnant T'Pol is definitely a force to be reckoned with. ;)
Asso
Mh... What do you think of literary genres abusion?:p
THECURSOR
Thank you Di, the key to good parody ladies and gents is to not make you realize it's a parody until the story's over. If you see a pink elephant in the first sentence, there's no where to go from there.
Distracted
Heh. Well, if you're gonna violate canon you might as well do it with enthusiasm. :p This is a riot. It's such an excellent parody. You're so good at this. And yes, Asso, I still think that T'Pol falling apart and bursting into tears just because she's pregnant is out of character. So is T'Pol chowing down on 30 pounds of raw meat. But it's funny. :p
HopefulRomantic
I adore your writing style..."all sweetness and cherry pie"..."their little bundle of joy-slash-piss and vinegar." :p Your Phlox is a delight. The story is as vivid as a comedy routine. A wonderful read.
Asso
Ah, very nice.:p Oh, [b]Dis[/b], what said you in the matter of T'Pol bursting into tears, when she's being pregnant?;)
Blacknblue
What if she eats me? Boy, do I remember THAT feeling! :D Wonderful.
Linda
Hilarious! A little extreme, even for pregnancy, but the attitude is familiar..."I want to eat...NOW!" Nicely done fic.
Kathy
That was hysterical!!!!:D
Entilzha
ROFLMAO. Great story. Thanks:D
panysan
:D (Honestly, pregnant women are not that bad. As long we get our food on time!:))

You need to be logged in to the forum to leave a review!