Summary: T'Pol inadvertently steps into a war zone and becomes the target of Trip's prank, which was intended for Hoshi. Her revenge turns into another war.

 Genres: Humor/Challenge/Somewhat spoofy/AU

 Rating: PG -13 (For Adult Language)

 Disclaimer: I own nothing of Star Trek: Enterprise, no matter how I wish I did.

 

Author's Notes: Post-Zero Hour, MAJOR AU. I thought I'd try my hand at something humorous. Every 'day' it switches point of view. The idea was inspired by jyorraku's Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice. It's a sweet little Malcolm/Hoshi story posted at Fanfiction.net.

 

 

Day One: You Do Realize That This Means War?

 

Trip's POV

  

It wasn't my fault that T'Pol sat there. That prank had been meant ta pay Hoshi back for switching my shampoo and soap for blue dye last week. I walked around lookin' like a smurf for days. Anyone of my staff that had dared ta laugh at me had earned a turn scrubbin' plasma conduits.

 

But sure enough, she'd sat right on that plate of spaghetti. And I'd laughed. I couldn't help it! The look on her face was priceless. She'd stood up slowly and looked over her shoulder at the plate stuck to her ass and I'd laughed harder.

 

She'd calmly pulled the plate away as though it was somethin' that she did everyday. As she'd put the plate down on the table, she'd stared at me with her eyebrows raised clean up ta her hairline. I hadn't realized it then, but behind that gaze she'd been plotting revenge. I didn't think Vulcans were inta revenge, but boy was I wrong.

 

She'd then taken the napkin and scraped the stuff off onto the floor. After she'd gotten most of it off, she'd cleared off the chair and slid into it like nothing had happened. Meanwhile, the rest of the people in the Mess Hall had been laughing so hard they'd looked about ready to piss their pants.

 

"I'm sorry, T'Pol," I'd choked between laughs. "I was trying to get back at Hoshi for the prank she played on me last week."

 

Her eyebrows had shot up again. "Blue is rather flattering on you, Commander. Ensign Sato's prank was in good taste."

 

A group of Ensigns heard her comment and laughed even harder. I was mortified. It took a moment for the actual comment to sink in. When it did, I stared at her speechless.

 

"T'Pol, did you just make a joke?" I couldn't believe it. Miss Vulcans-Do-Not had made a joke. And a hell of a joke at that.

 

She'd given me a coy look like she didn't know what I was talking about. "Was my statement humorous?"

 

I'd stared for about another minute before dismissing the comment and sitting down to finish my lunch.

 

"So...have ya had the chance ta look over those modification specs that I gave ya for the sensors?"

 

***

 

I found out just what a vengeful mind Vulcans could have when I went back ta my office after lunch. I walked inta Engineering only ta have my staff goggling at me like I'd grown another head. The women were giggling behind their hands and the men were trying their damndest not ta grin.

 

I immediately turned on Anna, frowning. "What the hell is so funny?"

 

She gave me a look of pity and led me inta my office. My jaw dropped when I saw my picture on the monitor sitting on my desk. Only this wasn't just any picture. It was one of the pictures that Hoshi had managed to snap of me after my incident with the blue dye. I tried not to let the embarrassment show on my face as the entire Engineering staff burst out laughing behind me.

 

Oh, she was asking for it now. But first I had to get my revenge on Hoshi for the blue dye. Those two were going to regret ever making a fool out of me.

 

***

 

"Hoshi has it coming," I goaded. "Come on. What about the one she played on you the week before last with that caricature?" I knew I had him when his face turned red.

 

He hesitated. "I suppose."

 

I grinned. "Ya won't regret it."

 

He smirked. "So...what delicious prank do you have in mind for our Mistress of Mischief?"

 

I shrugged. "I was thinking of something like rigging the comm. system so that it would broadcast her singing in the shower to the entire ship."

 

He paused. "I have a better idea. Do you remember when Em nicked Anna's clothes from the locker room while she was in the shower?"

 

I laughed. It was a sight I'd never forget. Anna chased Em through half the corridors on the ship clothed in only a towel and screaming like a banshee. Em ran like hell, laughing the whole way.

 

"You want to steal Hoshi's clothes while she's in the shower?"

 

His smirk widened. "Something like that."

 

***

  

Day Two: Good Morning to You, Too, Sir

 

Hoshi's POV

 

I walked into the Mess Hall expecting to grab a bit of breakfast before my shift. But when I walked in, everyone went quiet and dozens of pairs of eyes were on me. I felt uncomfortable with so many people staring at me. I cleared my throat and stepped into line to get my breakfast.

 

I jumped when I heard the Captain's voice over the comm. system. "Ensign Sato, please report to the Captain's ready room."

 

Oh no, this can't be good, I thought as I felt the heat spread to my cheeks.

 

With as much self-control as I could muster, I strode from the Mess, followed by every pair of eyes in the room, and made my way toward the Bridge.

 

***

 

Walking into his ready room, I found myself unable to meet his eyes. I didn't know what I'd done, but I was sure I looked guilty of whatever it was.

 

The tense silence was broken when he cleared his throat. At last, I managed to look up and meet his gaze long enough to see his discomfort.

 

"Hoshi, I, um..." He cleared his throat again. "I realize that things can get...um...tense sometimes, but..."

 

I frowned. "Sir?"

 

He hesitated before holding up a pair of g-string underwear. My eyes widened and I buried my face in my hands to hide the flush of mortification that I felt creeping into my cheeks.

 

"I, um...I found these in my chair this morning," he said.

 

I grimaced. "I swear, sir, I didn't..." I protested vehemently.

 

A frown crossed his features. "Then who did?"

 

"Trip."

 

He looked at me confused. "Why would Trip put your underwear in my chair?" Suddenly, he grinned. "Does this have anything to do with the blue dye incident?"

 

I nodded, suppressing a grin. "Yes, sir."

 

He chuckled. "I hope you have a plan to get him back."

 

"Sir?" I said, surprised at his encouragement.

 

He raised an eyebrow. "This could be just what the crew needs," he explained. "Just don't drag me into it. I've seen the kind of pranks Trip can pull."

 

I grinned. "Oh, I'll think of something, sir."

 

He nodded, smiling. "I'll look forward to it."

 

I walked toward the doors only to have him call me back. I turned just in time to catch my underwear. I felt the heat creep into my cheeks again.

 

"You might want to lock your clothing up better, Ensign," he suggested.

 

"Yes, sir," I muttered before exiting the room.

 

So Trip thought it was funny to steal my underwear and put them in the Captain's chair? Well, I'll get my revenge. This prank will be so good that he won't even know what hit him.

 

***

 

"Come on, Commander," I urged her. "He has it coming. You can't possibly think that one little picture is enough revenge for a plate of spaghetti stuck to your butt."

 

She raised an eyebrow and stared at me. "What did you have in mind, Ensign?"

 

I grinned. "Since Trip seems to think that stealing a woman's undergarments is so funny, maybe we should return the favor."

 

Her eyebrow shot up higher. "You wish to place a pair of Commander Tucker's underwear in the Captain's chair?"

 

My grin became a smirk. "Something like that."

  

***

  

Day Three: Is It Just Me Or Am I Gaining Weight?

 

Trip's POV

 

I opened my eyes and got out of bed, moving toward the monitor on my desk to check the time. My eyes widened. I was late for my shift.

 

"Shit!"

 

I'd been so busy celebrating my successful prank on Hoshi that I'd forgotten to set my alarm. I ran to my closet and pulled out one of the uniforms that I'd picked up from the quartermaster yesterday since all of mine had been destroyed by grease stains.

 

Something wasn't right. I'd gotten into the uniform on okay, but the front just wouldn't zip. I decided to slip an undershirt on beneath it and see if the quartermaster had a bigger one.

 

But when I got down there, he told me that the ones he'd given me were the only Engineering ones left. I asked if I could have one from another department just for the day until he could dig up more Engineering uniforms, but he said that the only ones left were the Science ones and that they weren't much bigger than the one I was wearing.

 

I gave him a dirty look and headed toward Engineering. The whole way there, I had people staring at me and laughing. I even heard one of the women make a comment about my package. When I turned to reprimand her, I ran right into T'Pol. She was thrown off balance, but managed ta stay on her feet.

 

I knew what was coming from the second her eyebrows shot up and she gave me a good once-over.

 

"Did you mistakenly select the incorrect uniform?"

 

She was being coy, but I could see in her eyes that she was laughing at me. I stared at her for a minute before it hit me. This was HER fault. This was more payback for the spaghetti incident. I narrowed my eyes at her and she just inclined her head before moving right past me.

 

I stared after her, hardly believing that she'd gotten me back three times. First, the wise crack and then the holophoto-now this! And she'd gotten me good. Three helpings of her revenge was more than I could take. She was going to get what was coming to her and she wouldn't know what hit her.

 

***

 

"She might come after you next," I warned. "For all we know, she's working with Hoshi on these pranks."

 

I saw him hesitate. "I can't believe that she would be party to any of this."

 

I shrugged and indicated my too-small uniform. "She did this. If she can prank me three times without me knowing it was coming, she could be capable of anything."

 

Reed sighed. "I still don't believe that this was completely her idea. This seems like just the kind of stunt Hoshi would think up."

 

"Well, then what do you say we make this one a double?"

 

He smirked. "I would say that no matter her role, Commander T'Pol deserves the opportunity to see real pranksters at work."

  

I shook my head. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in his head, but then I realize that I don't really want to know. "So what should it be this time? I was thinking that we could give them a foam shower."

 

"I was thinking of something a little more interesting," he said.

 

I chuckled when I realized what he was thinking. "I'll get it set up. We'll need to catch them at the right time for it to work."

 

He nodded and grinned. "That shouldn't be a problem at all."

 

***

 

Day Four: A Sticky Shower and No Clean Uniform

  

T'Pol's POV

 

I found myself unprepared for the severity of Commander Tucker's revenge. I would not have thought it possible for him to be so calculating and devious had I not been one of the persons upon whom this revenge had been perpetrated.

 

I was on my way to the Mess Hall for my usual morning cup of chamomile tea when I heard someone call for me. I turned to find Ensign Sato increasing her pace until she was walking beside me.

 

"Good morning, Commander," she greeted with a smile.

 

"Ensign," I returned, inclining my head.

 

Several moments later, we stepped through the Mess Hall doors, but were caught off-guard by a glutinous substance falling seemingly from nowhere that saturated us and our clothing. Ensign Sato screamed in outraged protest and I recoiled at the pungent scent of the substance coating my person.

 

The many in the Mess Hall witness to this most unfortunate incident guwaffed without restriction. However, my attention was focused on two distinct and familiar chortles: those of Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed. I turned toward them, my eyebrows arched high, attempting to keep my expression neutral in regards to their admittedly cunning hoax.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I noted the irate expression on Ensign Sato's face and realized that she had already begun to formulate vengeance.

 

"Perhaps we should return to our respective quarters and rid ourselves of this substance before the situation worsens," I suggested calmly.

 

Ensign Sato nodded sharply and trudged crossly from the Mess Hall.

 

***

 

I emerged from my cleansing room and moved toward my armoire in search of a fresh uniform only to find that all of my uniforms were missing. My eyebrow arched and I found myself fighting a smile at this most clever addition to Commander Tucker's vengeance. Untroubled by this unforeseen turn of events, I clothed myself in the only remaining clothing in my wardrobe (my ceremonial robes) and exited my quarters to request a Starfleet uniform from the quartermaster for the day.

 

*  *  *

 

Day Five: Unintended Revenge Is Best Served Hot

  

Trip's POV

  

I'd expected retribution after the revenge that Malcolm and I had doled out so mercilessly, but I hadn't expected the kind that she'd handed out. For two days, she'd searched for the clothes that Malcolm and I had cleverly stashed in one of the Armory lockers and for two days, she'd worn that damn jumpsuit that drove me to distraction every time I walked past her.

 

It wasn't necessarily that it clung to her like a second skin or that it particularly enhanced her rear or forward bumpers [if you catch my drift], but it sent any clean thoughts down the drain.

 

All I could think about was us sneaking down to Engineering in the middle of the night with no one else there and rubbing against each other like a pair of rabbits, uniforms and all. Something about her wearing that uniform made her seem less like the Forbidden Fruit-more attainable. She wasn't a Vulcan to me anymore-she was a damn desirable woman who I wanted very much to please in a very sexual way.

 

"Commander, have you finished the calibrations to the sens..."

 

It was T'Pol. I jumped and lost my balance, hitting my head on the pole in front of me. "Shit," I cursed, rubbing my forehead.

 

I growled angrily, agitated more at my reaction and the thoughts that had invaded my mind the second I'd heard her voice than at her actually sneaking up on me. "Damn it, T'Pol! Don't go sneaking up on me like that! I could've split my head o-!"

 

When I turned to face her, I was speechless. There were those sinful thoughts again. I shoved them to the back of my mind and glared at her, trying not to look at the jumpsuit she wore. I grabbed her arm and yanked her toward my office, surprised that she actually allowed it. Once we were in my office, I sealed the door and pushed her against it.

 

"I've had just about enough," I growled. "Either we call it a truce and end this damn prank war or I'm gonna take you right here-right now. "

 

It was her turn to be speechless. Her hands against my chest pushing me away told me she was intimidated by me, but her eyes told a different story-lust and want, desire and need.

 

Without a second thought, my mouth was on hers and I was anything but gentle.

 

"Commander!"

 

I jumped and hit my head on the edge of the conduit I was repairing. "Shit," I muttered. "Jesus, T'Pol! Don't go sneaking up on me like that! I nearly cracked my skull o-!"

 

When I turned to face her, I was speechless. There were those sinful thoughts again.

 

"I believe there is a matter we need to discuss," she said calmly.

 

I nodded. "Yeah," I croaked. "We do."

 

I winced at the sound of my voice. What was I? 12? She leaned closer and it took all of my strength not to pull her against me.

 

"My quarters, 1830 hours," she whispered.

 

I bit back a groan at her close proximity and the sensation of her breath in my ear. I nodded.

 

"Yeah," I agreed. "1830 hours."

 

She straightened and arched an eyebrow expectantly. "And my uniforms?"

 

"Armory weapons locker," I managed. "Third row, second column, top locker."

 

Before I could say another word, she was gone. I released a breath that I didn't even know I'd been holding. Check and mate. Shit, was I in trouble. Big trouble.

  

*     *     *

  

Day Five And A Half: Kiss and Make Up

  

T'Pol's POV

  

Commander Tucker arrived at my quarters that evening as promised bearing what he described as a "peace offering". I removed the lid from the container to discover several peaches within. I arched an eyebrow, recalling his last such peace offering. Despite my usual aversion to Human foods, I had found the fruit to be rather agreeable.

 

I removed one of the fruits from the container and sampled the fruit as I had the last time. I chewed slowly, allowing the familiar taste to slide over my tongue before sampling the fruit a second time.

 

I noted the glint of pleasure in his gaze as he observed my second bite of the peach.

 

"You like peaches," he said. "I'll keep that in mind the next time that I screw up."

 

I replaced the fruit within the container and moved aside, then motioning for him to enter. He strode in and set the container on my desk before turning back toward me.

 

"So-you wanted to talk?" he asked.

 

I nodded. "Indeed I did. The matter is in regards to this 'prank war' that has persisted over the last few days."

 

He grinned. "You want to call it a truce, then? No more pranks?"

 

"That sounds like a most logical proposal," I replied. "I believe we have equally pranked one another. Don't you agree?"

 

At his nod, I stepped aside and motioned him inside. "Please, enter."

 

 

  

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