Vulcans Don't Take Baths

By Linda

Rating: PG

Genres: challenge


This story has been read by 601 people.
This story has been read 892 times.

Genre: November word challenge - "bath".

Disclaimer: No filthy lucre changed hands.

Note: Unspoken thoughts are in italic.



"Bath time, Miss T'Lizzie!"

T'Lizzie's eyebrows threatened to meet at their base and the seven year-old crossed her arms hugging them to her thin green-beige deeply tanned body.

"No way, Grandma.  Vulcans don't take baths."

"Now, Honey, children of every species take baths in MY house."


"Because I'm the grandma, that's why."

"That is not a logical reason."

"It doesn't have to be.  Now get your pjs and scurry off to the bath room.  I'll be coming up there shortly and I want to hear that bath running before I start climbing the stairs."

"I thought visiting Florida would be fun!  Baths are NOT fun."

"You HAVE been having fun.  All day!  Playing baseball with Grandpa, shopping in Tallahassee with me, playing that Vulcan kalto game on the front porch, running with the dog...   Fun has gotten you dirty and smelly.  You need a bath.  How's that for logic?  Don't you get clean after a long day of work and play on Vulcan?"

"I concede the point.  It is logical.  Of course people clean themselves on Vulcan.  Vulcan is a civilized world.  But we do not take baths."

"Then how do you get clean?"

"Sonic showers."

"Grandpa and Grandma's house doesn't have a sonic shower."


"Because... Vulcans have not shared that technology with Humans and we have not invented it yet...we can't order a sonic shower unit anywhere on earth yet."

"There are sonic showers in the Vulcan compound in California."

"Now who is being illogical?  We can't just hop a shuttle and go to the Vulcan compound every night and knock on someone's apartment door in our bathrobe while carrying a bar of soap and a towel over our arm."

"Grandma, you are being such a silly Human," giggled T'Lizzie from her bedroom upstairs.  "Anyway, Daddy's bathrobe is too big for me.  I'm tripping all over it.  You don't want me to fall on my way to the bathroom because of Daddy's robe do you?"

"Of course not, Dear.  Sorry about that robe.  Your father was a bit taller than you when he was your age.  Just put it back in the storage chest in his closet in your room there.  Just strip and carry your pjs to the bathroom."

"NAKED?!?  Grandma!"

"It is only you and I in the house right now.  No one will see you." Honestly.  Vulcan children are as stubborn as Human children.   It is hard to believe the ancestors Vulcans and Humans actually crawled out of oceans on different planets.

"I heard your thoughts, Grandma!  And the ancestors of Vulcans did not crawl out of oceans.  There are no oceans on Vulcan to crawl out of.  The ancestors of Vulcans crawled out from under rocks."



T'Lizzie wrapped something around her and walked out of her bedroom to stand at the top of the stairwell and ask "Why are you sitting on the bottom stair and laughing?"

"Sorry, Honey.  I will explain it to you someday.  But right now, you march right off to that bathroom.  Naked or not."

"Okay, Grandma.  Naked it is.  Under this bedspread," said T'Lizzie as she ran back along the upstairs hall.

"You are dragging that bedspread all the way to the bathroom?"

"Already did.  I am leaving it in the hallway.  I have been naked in the bathroom before.  No big deal there."

"Do I hear that tub running?"

"Not yet.  Okay, it's running."

Caroline climbed the stairs quickly despite the touch of arthritis that plagued her in the evenings.  She picked up the bedspread and returned it to Trip's old boyhood room, then went to the bathroom.   T'Lizzie was standing over the tub contemplating the rising water with a finger against her lips.

"You can get in, Hon.   The water is just about high enough."

"Grandma, do you know that a Vulcan child could get hypothermic in water?"

"Didn't you turn the water on to warm?"

"Warm is a relative term, Grandma."

Caroline entered the bathroom and leaned over to test the water.  "To me, that is very warm water."  She touched T'Lizzie's arm.  "It is warmer than your skin.  You won't get hypothermic in this bath.  Now get in and scrub yourself clean quickly and Grandma will have a nice big fluffy warm towel ready for you."



"No way!"

"Yes way." 

"Kroykah!  Grandma, stop, stop, stop."


"Just for that, I am going to make myself grow bigger and stronger than you, Grandma, so you cannot pick me up!"

"No doubt."

"Pee.. Pen.. Pis......darn wassa words...Genetic material delivery organ brat, Grandma!"

"My word!  Where did you learn to swear?  Wait till your father gets home with your mother and brand new baby brother."      

As Caroline closed the bathroom door on her way out, a small plaintive voice asked  "Do I still get a fluffy towel?"




Linda: My sides are hurting from laughing so hard. All of it is so hilarious but completely true.Kids have more excuses and can argue longer than anyone else. But the difficulty with penis brat and showing true vulcan colours with an anatomical "genetic material delivery organ" -brat was too much for me. No grand kids yet, but mine loved baths and wouldn't come till long past the prune stage. Something to look forward to???? Thanks for writing!!!!!


Oh, this was hilarious. And the small plaintive voice at the end was the icing on the cake. Do I still get a fluffy towel? Superb!


Very cute. :D


This was delightful. I have so been there and done that with my granddaughter. I have personally heard that outraged 'Walk down the hall Naked!' Very entertaining story.           


Cute story I really liked this one alot.


Very cute.  :)


LOL.  I always had the opposite problem with my kids.  They'd get into a bath and never want to get out.  :D


I know that, when I see Linda's name at the top of a story, I'm about to be delighted.  
Obviously, this happened also in this case.  :p


SB, don't let liking my story stop you from trying to top it!  I would love to read something from you on this challenge. :D 


Absolutely delicious. You know you have made it impossile for anyone to top this Bath story.

Loved the little Girl and her Granny.


Thanks, Kotik, for giving the source of Vulcans evolving from bats.  I must have read that and should go reread it. It gives me such mental images!  You know - Vulcans hanging upside down in caves,  Daracula sneaking into someone's bedroom.  Oops and here we are back to the vampire element.  Hmmm...... 


The idea of Vulcans evolving from Bats comes from TLR's family series - the one that starts with "Little Lizzie". Anyway, this is a fantastic little piece :D


T'weren't me that hatched the bat idea. KTR? TLR? Who knows? 


You have obviously wrestled kids into tubs a few times:)



I am not sure who suggested that Vulcans evolved from bats - maybe Blacknblue or KTR or from some novel or from a canon source?  Anyway, I think that would be hilarious and a good subject for a story too.  Batman is from Vulcan! LOL. But I suppose Vulcan bats could have crawled out from under rocks at some point, LOL. 

Oh, and I had it on the back burner to put into a story that a Vulcan wanted to swear in English and call someone a penis brat but forgot how to say it.  So they would just describe what they meant instead.  I thought it fit into this story very well and would be funny if a female was called a penis brat. 


This is one of the funniest (and cutest) Vulcan stories I've ever read.  This in particular cracks me up: "Genetic material delivery organ brat"


LOL! Sorry can't say much else.  But I thought Vulcans evolved form bats?:s


:D Yes, this sounds so familiar, I'm also wondering how Humans and Vulcans could have crawled out of different oceans or out from under different rocks. Convergent evolution. ;)

You need to be logged in to the forum to leave a review!