Anomaly or, the Mystery of the Monster and His Vulcan Sidekick

Disclaimer : Enterprise and its characters are property of CBS/Paramount.

Rating: PG-13

Author's note: This is a story for pdsldl. She challenged me to take any episode or any situation within an episode in season 3 or 4 that has underlying humor that the original writers failed to develop and expand on it or rewrite it to show the humor they missed. After toying with several ideas, I wrote a missing scene which takes place after Bound. Many thanks to my beta aadarshinah.

(Male voice) "Mal told me that when I was gone, you developed a habit of quoting me. Referring to me in almost every sentence."

(Female voice) "You're are valued by almost every crew member and I have noticed that people do take your advice more easily then mine."

(Obviously pleased, Male voice) "So it was a trick to communicate better with the crew. I see."

(Female voice) "If it was a method, it was not so productive. The few instances I mentioned your name, the crew became rather hostile. Apparently, they blamed me for your departure. So I stopped mentioning you."

(Laugh. Male voice) "Which was very hard, because you missed me."

(Female voice) "Your appearance in my white space would indicated such."

(Male voice) "I believe that kiss in the corridor was another indication."

(Female voice) "Am I right to presume I communicated my intentions well?" (Little crack in voice) "Or is there something left to discuss?"

(Laugh. Male voice in teasing manner). "Good communication, great kiss. I almost forgot how good a kisser you are. Almost."

(Female voice) "The human kiss is an intriguing gesture. I have grown to appreciate its values."

(Male voice) "You know, there was a rumor a few years back that after movie night you had told the captain that you thought the human kiss was rather distasteful."

(Female voice) "There are more bacteria in a human mouth than a dog's. I have studied the matter and determined the best course of action to be stringent cleansing afterward. You should consider it too."

(Male voice) "I have a bad breath?"

(Female voice) "No. It merely seemed prudent, as our immune systems are designed to combat significantly different dangers. Bacteria that may be of no concern to me may adversely effect you and vice versa. I would not want our relationship to harm you in anyway, however inadvertently."

(Male voice) "Uh-huh. Why do I have the feeling this really has something to do for your new-found craving for pecan pie?"

(Female voice) "I do not crave pecan pie. It's just... food for the soul."

(A laugh and a sound that would suggest the human act of kissing, followed by the sound of someone standing and soft foot steps)

(Male voice) "What are you doing?"

(Sounds of a object being removed.)

(Male voice) "What so interesting about that sculpture on the wall?"

(Sound of sculpture taking of the wall) (Female voice) "The sculpture was out of place.."

(Male voice) "What is it?"

(Sound of scanning device)

(Female voice) "The Orions appear to have brought more than a communication device on board. This is a listening device. My scanner picked up Orion DNA. We better check the entire ship if they are more of these."

(Male voice) "Not before I dismantled this one. Sorry, guys, game's up."

(Crushing sound)

"Game's up, guys," Navaar repeated the last sentence of the recorded transmission with disdain, placing her hands on her hips in one of the most female of gestures. She looked to her sisters and Harrad-Sar, who were gathered in the situation room to listen to what the device had recorded.

"They destroyed all the devices we hid. This was the only record we were able to retrieve," Maras said, feeling very disappointed. They needed to solve the mystery. If not, the whole Orion world, every scheme, every act of piracy that made the Orion people strive, would fall apart.

"This is the last time I buy anything from those ugly, big-eared aliens." D'Nesh raged. "According to them, the device would make us a great profit. Great profit. For them. No one was supposed to be able to discover it."

"We could still solve the mystery," Harrad-Sar suggested in a small voice. He would do anything to find a solution for his ladies. "The Vulcan was addicted to pecan pie. Maybe pecan pie makes Humans resistant to Orion pheromones. She didn't seem effected at all."

"That's because she is Vulcan," Navaar sneered. "Their blood is so cold they don't even notice us. We have to find the reason why her human wasn't delusional and extremely vulnerable to suggestion like the rest. If the humans find an antidote to our pheromones and start sharing them, as is their nature, we can kiss our enterprises goodbye."

"It's not the pie," D'Nesh brought up. She smiled mysteriously. "I have seen Kelby eat several pieces of this pie."

"So no pie," Maras concluded. "Maybe chemicals in Tucker's body? He was very ugly. He looked like a monster with those unnaturally-colored eyes of his. And that hair! It was the exact shade of rotten Natari fruit; I swear it was all I could do not to be sick looking at him."

Harrad-Sar and D'Nesh nodded in agreement. They didn't call him The Monster for nothing.

"They are all ugly to the bone!" Navaar lashed out, growing more impatient by the minute. "They are skinny creatures with all colors washed out of them. Their leader had fur on his chest! How ugly can you get?"

They threw a small look at Harrad-Sar, one of the most handsome man they have ever seen, his muscular appearance clearly visible with his chest bare, and his skin a healthy, handsome green.

"Maybe there is no mystery," Maras said, "Maybe we became careless after the great success we had with the Klingons."

"The Klingons! Great, powerful warriors with beautiful ridges fighting to the death for a glimpse of our smile. Aggressive Klingon women rendered helpless by the headaches we caused!" D'Nesh remembered. They all laughed at the memory.

Navaar brought them back to the Humans again. "We have to take a closer look at everything that went on. Our goal was to deliver Archer's head to the Syndicate, steal the technology the humans had planned on using for mining the magnesite, and sell the crew and anything of value on the ship. A great plan with lots of profit. It would have been easy; the humans were fully under our influence."

"When we danced for the leader and his guard, they were very impressed," Maras remembered. "When the captain asked that security officer, he said-"

Imitating Reed with a squeaking, voice D'Nesh mocked, "I can't think!" She looked at her sisters. "A case of pheromone overload. A normal reaction."

"All humans, male and female, were effected. Only not Tucker. I believe his Vulcan sidekick was the reason," Navaar concluded. "They belonged together."

"So you also noticed the stare the Vulcan gave you when you were close Tucker?" Maras asked.

"The stare of every woman in every universe," Navaar smiled.

"Back off! My man," Maras filled in.

"Maybe she gave him Vulcan pills," Harrad-Sar suggested.

"I have heard they did some special Vulcan exercises a year ago," D'Nesh had another idea.

"That's too long ago. It's might be chemical..." Navaar continued brainstorming. "No, it has to do with chemicals and pheromones. There is no other way."

They were silent for a moment, cracking their brains, trying to remember every little detail that would give them a clue.

"I read in their database...," Harrad-Sar started "No.. that's not it."

"What? I want to hear!" Navaar demanded.

"There is this human phenomenon that makes parents very protective of their children, defending them with their own lives, which makes people choose to act for the benefit of others, specially the people closest to them, even when it goes against their own well-being," Harrad-Sar shared his knowledge.

"A phenomenon which makes people unselfish and think of others," Navaar laughed. "That's the must absurd thing I ever heard of. That doesn't exist."

Maras thought of one second how nice it would be to be accepted not merely for her looks and by the effect of pheromones, but agreed with Navaar. "This thing is obviously a fantasy. We would be doomed if it was. I have the answer."

Her sisters and Harrad-Sad turned to her, curious to know what the answer was.

"It's an anomaly. A one time thing - never to happen again. An absurd twist of events. Nothing to be worried about."

They all sighed in relief. That was the answer. An anomaly. Of course it was.

A/N 2 The joke about more bacterias in a human mouth then in a dog's is not mine. It's from the excellent story Divergent Paths by Rigil Kent‏, a must read for any TnT fan.