ATTRACTION AND REJECTION: Missing thoughts from Harbinger

Disclaimer: Star Trek names, features and borrowed dialogues are property of CBS/Paramount, all rights reserved. No claims.

Acknowledgments: To aadarshinah for the kind beta-reading and corrections.

At the end of her duty shift, T'Pol returned to her quarters, took a warm shower to relax, put her pajamas, and lit some candles. She didn't even try to meditate, she felt so anxious.

As she had done in the last weeks, she prepared a dose of Trellium-D and injected into her neck. Soon after she perceived her body response to the drug, the surfacing of feelings and associated emotions. She began to remember how she began to use that compound.

After the Seleya incident, Cap. Archer had refused to allow her to disembark on a Minshara-class planet, despite it being the most logical of all possible options. If Trellium-D lined the hull, Enterprise and her crew would be protected from the unusual spacial anomalies in the Expanse. She was the sole member of the crew affected by Trellium-D, so - as Surak had said, 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few' - it was not logical to put all the crew, the mission and Earth in danger to protect her.

Reviewing Starfleet database she had found that in the history of Earth, several kings and emperors were known to have taken very diluted amounts of a known venom in order to strengthen their bodies against it - a wise precaution to avoid being killed by the same poison. She had decided to test that procedure herself.

For a few days, she had made rough calculations of the effects of Trellium-D based on the Seleya's position inside the asteroid field and on the time she had spent in that ship. She had also reviewed the data acquired when she and Commander Tucker  tried to synthesize that compound. She had arrived at a dose that she had considered safe to administer. She had begun to swallow the finely ground powder.

A hand scanner was used to monitor her synaptic pathways to detect any harm. As the dose increased, she had also monitored to see if she was becoming more resistant to Trellium-D; at late night, she had visited Cargo Bay Two, approaching the containers with the substance, carefully monitoring her neural systems to probe the changes. However, the process appeared ineffective. She had increased the swallowed dose, noting that no changes had occurred, but soon it was so concentrated that each new dose cased an upset stomach. 

She didn't want to give up, so she had devised this method of formulating Trellium-D in a liquid solution which could be injected to her blood stream. It appeared to be more effective than the swallowed version. She had sensed the effects throughout her body, and, while they were somewhat unpleasant soon after taking the drug, after a while the effects would become most pleasurable. Her feelings and emotions had surfaced more easily. She had been able to sense its effects even several hours after the initial dose. As a consequence, she had started to enjoy touching Commander Tucker skin when applying neuropressure postures. She had enjoyed the caress of his fingers on her neural nodes when he was preforming the postures on her. Although knowing that he would not approve it, she had also used her inherent touch telepathy to sense that he  appreciated her touch too. She had soon realized that their sessions caused her to daydream in Commander Tucker's presence of other such pleasurable experiences they might share.  

They had scheduled a neuropressure session for tonight. However, she was still uncomfortable about Trip and Amanda Cole. The previous day, she had let herself be distracted by the words Amanda Cole had spoken about Trip, and she had lost control of her strength while preforming neuropressure on the MACO. During the first MACO drill, she had also been distracted by Trip and Amanda's behavior. Her jaw had sensed the received punch well after finishing the training. Had it been a Xindi opponent, she probably would be dead or severely injured due to the lack of attention. 

"This cannot go on as it has" - she thought. She looked for solutions. It appeared that stopping Trip from preforming neuropressure on Corporal Cole was not enough to take them apart. 

Why were they intimate? Because of their neighborhood during childhood? Logic said that was not enough. There should be something more. - "I must presume he is sexually attracted to her." 

Since the start of this mission, there had been no shore leaves and no chances for the men on board to mate. The women in the crew were fewer, and lesser on the senior staff. She sensed shivers along her nerves when thinking about Trip having a sexual relation with Amanda Cole. It was really an uncomfortable feeling. She forced her mind to repress the emotion, but succeeded only barely. 

The idea of having sex with him came to her mind as she tried to repress the previous sensation. It was initially a weird side-thought, but, surprisingly, she felt herself comfortable with the associated emotion. 

Vulcans were not strangers to casual sex. As her species was always very reserved in talking about it, aliens usually believed Vulcans only have sex with their mates during periods of pon farr. However, it was not true. Sometimes sexual relations were required when a friend or colleague was too far from his or her partner when approaching pon farr. Logic would not permit them to lose a valuable member of the society to the blood fever. Such situations occurred quite often during Vulcan missions to far-off planets and on deep space vessels. Furthermore, although not very frequently, casual sex between unpaired Vulcans did occur. Kal'if'fee might also be called when one member of a couple had found another, more suitable partner. 

However, for Vulcans, casual sex was less frequent and more logic-driven than the human counterpart. Humans were said to look for causal sex because of desire and pleasure. Sometime they looked for a completely unknown attractive partner, found in public places or bars. Physical beauty was usually considered a requisite for being attracted to an unknown person. 

Trip was surely a handsome man. His blue eyes, so different from the Vulcan dark eyes, his arms, as Amanda had noted, and also the well formed legs. And he was very gentle, always thinking about making her comfortable with his presence. 

"Am I attracted to him? Am I sexually attracted to him?" 

She breathed regularly to regain control of her mind, but the idea was already settled and didn't go away. 

"If I am attracted to him, it appears that the best solution is get Trip to have sex with me, so he will not need to call Amanda to his bed."

"Would he have sex with me?" Trip had initially considered the Vulcan costumes quite awkward for Human standards but, lately, he had demonstrated better understanding. She had learned from his clone, Sim, that Trip was enjoying the neuropressure sessions.

She enjoyed thinking about having sex with him. She soon decided to propose it to him, but she didn't know exactly how to proceed. Humans had a courtship behavior that was unfamiliar to Vulcans. She was not familiar on how to initiate such intimacy. Up to now, they had had no caresses between themselves or any intimate touching apart from the neuropressure postures.

"I need to be sure if he is also attracted to me." She considered asking him outright, but believed that this approach was not a usual pattern for human couples.

"I shall conduct the neuropressure session and our talk in a way that he would admit being attracted to me. If he admits, I can start some intimate behavior, maybe kissing him - a kiss appears to be a very intimate touch between humans. Otherwise I would need to refrain myself from further personal touching with him; receiving neuropressure would not be possible afterward." She felt a chill with the last thought.

"In any case, I probably will need to change quickly." She took off her pajamas and dressed only the robe upon the skin.

After they finished the sexual relation, Trip remained some time at her side, talking about soft subjects and touching her tenderly. He had apparently appreciated their intimacy, she had felt how he had enjoyed her. She also noticed how she was not uncomfortable when he touched her naked skin - something that would displease any Vulcan. "Is human sex able to smooth our emotion suppression?"

Their intimacy was abruptly cut off when she and Trip were forced to resume duty. After managing to stop the alien, Trip had gone to sickbay for evaluation, and she came back to her quarters, looking for a little rest until the next day's shift.

She woke up early as usual and gone to exercise at the gymnasium. While running on the treadmill, she reviewed how her short sleep has been comforting. Since the Seleya encounter, she had found it difficult to have a good sleep. She needed to  meditate longer to calm her mind, but her sleep was agitated. "Can it be that humans have right when they assume sexual relations to be a healthy way to relax body and mind?" 

She came back to quarters and went to the shower. When under the warm water flow, she thought about what it would be like if Trip were to join her there. She had seen a movie in which partners enjoyed themselves when showering, and she tried to visualize it. "How could it be to have sex in that small space?" Soon she noticed that her thoughts aroused a strange sensation of pleasure. "Should I invite him to share a bath in the next encounter? Would that be adequate for the woman to propose?"

She dressed her uniform, preparing to attend the breakfast. At that moment, she thought if he would appear to talk with her before his duty shift.

On her research about human sexual relations, she had found that males usually had the habit of sending a small token of appreciation on the day after a first intercourse: flowers, sweets, a gift, a tender message... 

Flowers were out of the question, for, although there was a  small hydroponic bay on Enterprise, Trip could not go without being noticed. Sweets and gifts were also improbable, because there were no places on board to find them, unless he had other fruits in stasis. "Sending me a personal message would be more practical and without chance of being overheard by the crew." She checked her incoming messages but there was none from him. Before leaving for mess hall she checked again, but found nothing.

Trip entered the mess hall, got some coffee and came to sit on her table. However, he appeared to be uncomfortable with what happened during the night. He seemed unable to discus it, jumbling together nonsense phrases and words, circling around what they had done. She thought he was not pleased with the consequences.

"He probably has not appreciated the sexual relation. Maybe I cannot satisfy him as a human woman would do. He probably didn't want me to perceive his dissatisfaction, and he tried to be gentle, luring me with the talk and caresses after the sex." 

"Maybe he is unwilling to further jeopardize his career by fraternizing with a fellow officer. Conversely, he might be afraid of having sex with a Vulcan. He might be ashamed if other people would know of he having sex with me. Prejudice against Vulcans is still high at Starfleet, and his comrades would reject him because of me." 

To relieve him of guilty, she presented the idea that she had used him to explore human sexuality. She thought that he would blame her for inducing their relation and become less concerned about it.  However, he didn't appear to like this option either. Finally, they agreed to forget the matter and keep it unknown to the rest of the crew.  

Nevertheless, at the end of their talk he proposed her, in a surreptitious way, to follow with the neuropressure sessions. She didn't answer straight, but looked to the side when sipping her tea - "I'd rather all our sessions ended like last night's" - she thought and, again, she appreciated the idea.