In A Funhouse Mirror Darkly

By Bluetiger

Rating: PG

Genres: humour

Keywords: Mirror Universe

This story has been read by 1168 people.
This story has been read 2225 times.


Chapter 1

Summary: Emperor Tucker's life is not a bed of roses.

Author's Note: Okay, this is my attempt at a humorous MU


Charles Tucker the Third was having a crappy day, not that this was unusual. Ever since Trip and T'Pol had deposed Empress Sato, in a ridiculously easy coup, it had just been one hassle after another. The rapid changes in leadership had left the crew's heads spinning but nobody seemed to mind that Sato and Mayweather now resided in sickbay. The fact that their heads were in glass jars, T'Pol felt was a nice touch.

After the whole "mind control, force me to sabotage the ship, four hours in the agony booth" thing, Trip and T'Pol had come to an understanding. T'Pol would marry him, become his Empress, have his children, and Trip would not disintegrate her. All in all, T'Pol decided it was a good deal.

At the present time, Defiant was in orbit of Mularis IV. On the main screen was a purple skinned, rotund little bureaucrat spewing forth a fast pace load of gibberish.

"Fuller!" Tucker barked, "Get me a translation, I want to know what that idiot is saying."

Ensign Fuller sat at communications sweating profusely. She did not wish to tell her Captain/Emperor what the Mularian had to say.

"Fuller, if you can't do your job I'll get somebody up here that can," Tucker growled.

In a voice that quivered slightly, Fuller spoke, "Sir, he says they will not surrender or allow us to beam down, he spits in your breakfast of choice and you can kiss his round, little lavender ass."

Trip hung his head and heaved a sigh. Why did everything need to be so difficult?

"Tucker to Kelby, I need power diverted to forward phasers." When no answer was forth coming, Trip yelled, "Kelby!"

T'Pol calmly spoke, "Kelby was executed on my orders this morning. He was planning to assassinate you."

Trip rolled his eyes but said nothing to T'Pol. "Tucker to Hess."

"She was also executed."

"What?!?" Tucker swung around and looked at his mate. "What the hell did Anna do?"

"She was staring at your crotch during the entire morning briefing."

"T'Pol you can't kill everyone that crosses you, we'll run out of crewmen. That would be like executing steward Miller for leaving the salt off my breakfast tray this morning," Trip said with a laugh. Suddenly his smile faded, "T'Pol, you didn't?"

"Of course not...he is in the agony booth."

"T'Pol don't you think that's a little extreme?" Although after thinking about it for a moment, Trip had to admit; his grits and eggs sure could have used a little more salt. "Okay, but just for another hour."

Trip turned back to the main screen and the blathering little bureaucrat. "You have twenty-four Terran hours to surrender or be destroyed." He signaled Fuller to end transmission.

Captain Tucker stood and headed for his ready room with T'Pol following close on his heels.

"Why did you give the Mularians so long to surrender?" T'Pol asked her husband.

Turning Trip replied with hands on hips, "Because apparently I have to find a new chief engineer, a second for that engineer, and someone to serve me my dinner. Plus I'm tired, hungry, have a headache, and I need to pee."

"Actually, I was aware of that last part through the bond. Please go to the bathroom first," T'Pol said beginning to shift from one foot to the other.


After dinner that evening, His Supreme Highness, Grand Emperor of the Empire was sprawled naked across his bed reading a report on ships status. T'Pol approached him.

"I sense that you wish to engage in sexual activities tonight, would you like me to clothe myself as a French maid, Orion slave girl, or the Wonder Woman costume?

Tucker thought for a minute, "Surprise me."

Trip rolled over onto his stomach to finish the report. He looked up when he heard his mate re-enter. The smile left his face and the Emperor heaved a heavy sigh, T'Pol stood before him dressed as a Klingon woman complete with head ridges and gnarly teeth, carrying a cattle prod.

"You said to surprise you!"

"Yeah, well that wasn't what I had in mind." Trip dropped his face to the bed and muttered, "Why can't I ever catch a break?" He then let out a loud yelp as the cattle prod made contact with his behind.


When morning came, Trip and T'Pol took their places on the bridge and the Captain signaled Fuller to contact the planet. The same little Mularian appeared on screen, at least Trip thought it was, to his mind all the fat little grapes looked alike. Fortunately for Fuller, she had the UT programmed with their language now.

Trip spoke to him using his most menacing voice, "You will surrender to the Empire and we will take your dilithium mines for our use."

The round little bureaucrat sneered, "Your mother works in a house of ill repute and your father is a low level government official."

Trip was pissed off now, "Engineering, ready phasers," he couldn't remember at the moment who he had promoted to chief. Turning back to the main screen he told the Mularian, "This is your last chance."

"Dine on the excrement of farm animals and pass on to your last reward, we will not surrender to you swine-faced humans," He gleefully replied and proceeded to activate several switches.

The screen changed to a view of the planet and a criss-cross grid began to form around the surface.

Tucker looked over to T'Pol, "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes, it is a Tholian Verizon Wireless Web. Nothing can penetrate it."

"Dammit, that company will merge with anybody for a profit. What can we do now?"

Suddenly the curly haired, blond ensign at tactical jumped to her feet, "Captain, my brother used to work for Verizon. I can disable the grid, increase power to the phasers and forward cannons, improve life support efficiency, and bake a mean pecan pie."

Before Tucker could say anything, T'Pol rose to her feet and fired her weapon. Trip gave his mate a questioning look.

"She was really annoying," T'Pol stated calmly.

Trip looked at the smoldering carcass of Ensign Mary Sue Freebush and shook his head, "Oh hell, let's just go to Risa and get drunk."

 

The End

 

 

 


Comments:

EntAllat

This was just damn Brilliant!

Misplaced

ROFLMAO!!!  Freaking HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

crystalswolf

Hahahahahahaaahahahahahaaaaa *snort* hahahahahahhahehehe *choke* hahahahahahaaaaaaaahhhhh *wheeze* hahahahahaha...

Eian

Best MU parody I've read in...forever.  You killing a Mary Sue is just ACES!!!  Great job, lass.

Lady Rainbow

OMFG!!! This is hilarious!!! Verizon Wireless Web! And the cattle prod! And go to Risa and get drunk! :p:p

I needed this today, have caught a pretty bad bug, BWAHAHAHAHA!

Hummingbird2

That was the BEST MU Fic ever!Sequel,please?

auroraborealis

lol freaking hiliarious.

Distracted

*snort*  Very clever.  My favorite was blowing away Mary Sue.

anaM

This story is one of a kind, very clever and exremely funny! I sincerely wish and hope there will be more like it to come, please?

Linda

Damn, I was just about to ask Mary Sue to fix my Verizon bill!  Now where IS that cattle prod.  I want to use it on T'Pol.

LOL, this was great!

 

Elessar

LOL.  Ensign Mary Sue Freebush, NICE.  Where do I recognize the name Freebush? :p:D

I bout lost it w/ the cattle prod!  very nice :D

bluetiger

Thanks so much guys. Humor is so subjective that I wasn't completely sure that my little MU satire would be well recieved. I'm glad it was because I love to make people laugh.

Aquarius

I agree with Dinah.  This needs to be a series. 

Dinah

This was marvelous!  LOL!!!  :D  I thoroughly enjoyed every word.  I hope this is only the first of many stories about His Supreme Highness, Grand Emperor of the Empire and his consort, T'Pol. 

WarpGirl

OK For about 10 seconds I was like........................................................ And then it hit me, just think of it like the Twilight Zone. So I did and OMG THAT WAS HYSTERICAL! I am laughing while I type. And I fully admit that usually I DO NOT understand thiss type of humor. But you execute it in a way that I got it. So thank you for telling a joke I actually could not take literally in any way, shape, or form. My literal brain was shut off for five minutes, and I just laughed. THANK YOU! But can we see a serious MU fic? I think you'd do one justice. Thank you for killing the Mary Sue.

Navigator

Loved the Verizon comments.

Escriba

BWAHAHAHA! This is genius!

"T'Pol you can't kill everyone that crosses you, we'll run out of crewmen. That would be like executing steward Miller for leaving the salt off my breakfast tray this morning," Trip said with a laugh. Suddenly his smile faded, "T'Pol, you didn't?" HAHAHAHA!

And you literally killed a Mary Sue! You're my heroine! :D:D:D

Thanks for the story and for opening a new genre. It's amazing.

Silverbullet

Wonderful.  Great TnT.  T-Pol was a little  trigger happy though.  I thought for a bit she would do in trip.

Hoshi and Travis heads in sickbay.  Phlox shoud love that.

Klingon part made me laugh.

A great MU tale.

panyasan

But Mary Sue was really, really annoying. :):) Loved the Klingon part too.

Asso

The only thing I can say, it is this MU of you is more - VERY MORE! - credible than that one we saw on the show.

WELL DONE!:p

lbekoj


I am fond of this new genre - "a humorous MU". This story is awesome.
I hope that T'Pol kept the pacifist aspirations for peace and her incessant killing was a successful attempt to change the expansionist policy of Terran Empire. ;)
That mention of Kelby is a funny example of "the absence of communication" in the family coworkers (as my boss likes to speak and demonstrates by himself forgetting to tell something important his wife which works with us).
I love that you do not permit to blossom any Mary Sue in your writing.
Thanks for the nice and merry start of the day for me!:D

Honeybee

Hilarious. Just hilarious. I'm in the middle of writing a deadly serious MU fic. . .and this just made my day and inspired me. Thank you!

Alelou

:p:p:p Excellent!  You take on the MU and its fanfic conventions hysterically well!  Very funny.

Aquarius

Whenever I read anything, I'm always trying to suss out passages that I think I might highlight when making commentary, to show what I thought stood out, was especially clever, and whatnot.

But everytime I thought I found something, this just got funnier!  :p

Seriously.  First it was the Engineering people and the steward and the having to pee.  I was like, "Oh no, she didn't!"

Then it was the Klingon costume and the cattle prod.  And I was like, "Oh no, she didn't!!"

And then the Mary Sue.  And I was like, "OMG, she DID!!"

And then...?  The let's all go to Risa and get DRUNK???  "Shut the f--- up!!"  BWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!   :p:D:p:D

I laughed so hard, *I* had to pee!!!

Thanks for this.  It was needed.

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