T'Pol's Secret

By Aquarius

Rating: PG-13

Genres: fluff humour


This story has been read by 1698 people.
This story has been read 2675 times.

DISCLAIMER: Enterprise and its characters are the property of CBS/Paramount. I have made no money from their use, so if you sue me, you'll get nothing and like it!

SUMMARY: This is a prequel to "...And the Stockings Were Hung By Garters with Care..."

A/N: I drew upon personal experience when I wrote this, having been a co-manager of a location of the store in question in the early 90s. That said, my spelling of "pyjama" is purposeful, because the company uses the British spellings for much of their merchandise.

10:37 A.M.

Monday before Christmas

Oceanview Shopping Center

San Francisco, California


Missi sighed. The shop had only been open for just over half an hour, and already she and her coworkers were bored. Most people shopped from home these days; the actual store seemed to exist only for clueless guys who needed a lot of help shopping for their ladies. Nothing needed to be straightened as there had yet to be any customers to disturb anything, and they weren't quite desperate enough to dust in order to pass the time, they resorted to the usual:

Dawn held the new arrivals against herself and posed in front of the mirror.

Vernita went on and on about what a dick her man was.

Missi, having only gotten the job two weeks ago, was still too terrified to slack off on the clock, even when no one was around, and tried to look busy.

The door chime signaled the arrival of a customer.

"You're up, Vernita," Dawn said without looking away from the mirror.

Vernita's smile faded when she looked up and saw their first prospect of the day. "Oh, hell no! That ain't workin'. It's yours, Dawn."

Dawn's nose scrunched up when she turned from the mirror. "Ew. That one's not going past the cotton room, for sure. Go get 'er, Rookie."

Missi, fresh out of the Sales Associate Training Program, resisted the urge to remind her coworkers that refusing a customer was not only against company policy, but also financially damaging due to a lost opportunity at a commission...but she had to admit she was terrified. "Oh, my god!! What do I do?"

"Sell her something, dumbass!" Dawn said.

Vernita gave Missi a little shove toward the customer.

Well, Missi told herself, at the career fair they did tell me that I'd meet a lot of interesting and different people working in retail. Ignoring the points on her customer's ears, Missi forced her brightest smile. "Welcome to Victoria's Secret. How may I help you today?"

The Vulcan woman looked cautiously around, making sure no one was within earshot. "I was hoping you could show me what human males prefer."

Missi swore she couldn't be hearing right. "Okaaaaaaaaaaaay..."

"Discretion is required," the customer added hastily.

"Of course," Missi agreed, still digesting the fact that there was a Vulcan in a lingerie store. "Is this for a...special occasion?" she ventured.

The Vulcan seemed to choose her words carefully. "It's for a...cultural exchange study."

Missi couldn't quite quash the knowing smile that was tugging at the corner of her mouth. Ah, that's a new one! Glancing around at the racks of cotton pyjamas and shelves of boxer shorts, she said, "I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for in here. Follow me."

Vulcan customer in tow, Missi glanced smugly at her coworkers, who were staring open-mouthed in disbelief. They passed through the fragrance room and all the way back to where the slinky silks and satins were kept, as well as the more provocative merchandise. "Did you have a color or style in mind?"

"He likes blue." Vulcans betrayed no emotion, but Missi certainly thought this one seemed a little awkward sharing that information; whether red or green, a blush was still a blush.

"Right. Uh, is it okay if I take your measurements?" Missi didn't know a lot about Vulcans, had never met one before, but she thought she heard somewhere that they didn't like to be touched. If that was true, she wasn't quite sure how she was going to properly fit this woman for a bra or anything else.

"You may proceed."

Her customer's formality took a little getting used to, but Missi resolved to remain professional and smiled. "Great. I'll be right back. Go ahead and have a look around while I get the measuring tape."

Missi was surprised she'd gotten this far, but she tried to be cool. Vernita and Dawn were shamelessly gossiping as she started to dig through the drawers in the sales desk.

"There's no way those are real," Dawn was saying.

Vernita scoffed. "Vulcans don't get boob jobs."

"Yeah, but she's so..."

Vernita considered for a moment. "Their planet has stronger gravity than ours," she concluded authoritatively. "Must've developed sag-resistant boobs to deal with that or something, 'cause you ever notice how here, they're all perky? None of 'em ever needs a bra."

"Hey," Dawn said breathlessly, "maybe we'll get the record for selling the first bra to a Vulcan?"

Missi shut the drawer, measuring tape in hand. "You're both mental."

Returning to the back of the store, Missi found her customer contemplating a pair of transparent thong underwear. "This is what men like?"

Had she been asked what she thought she'd be doing at work today, Missi never would've predicted she'd be explaining slutty underwear to someone from another planet. "I know, right? Hardly seems worth even putting them on."

Missi's customer continued gazing at her fingers through the sheer fabric. "Agreed."

"Near as I can figure," Missi went on, sensing she was gaining the woman's trust, "they like stuff that's see-through because they want an obvious invitation...but they also want to feel like they're getting away with something, so you gotta cover it up a little. Keep the fruit kind of forbidden, if you know what I mean."

The Vulcan woman handed the panties over to Missi. "I will take them."

That was easy. Missi giggled, part of her still waiting for the hidden camera crew from some practical joke show to come out and let her know she'd been had. Either that, or management had just sent in the secret shopper from hell to see how she'd do under pressure. Damn, she hated being new! "Now let's get you measured, and then I can show you some things. Just relax your arms at your sides..."

Realizing that there was no good way to do this to someone who didn't like to be touched, Missi resolved to just get in, get it done, and get out as quickly as possible. First she circled the tape just under the woman's bust, then at its fullest. Mentally she did the math to calculate the cup size and gasped.

"Is something wrong?" the customer asked.

"Not at all," Missi smiled. Just feeling a little inadequate here in my Miracle Bra is all. "Just let me grab some things to show you, and we'll get a fitting room started."

Missi dashed off and returned in a few moments with a handful of various items, some silky and some lacy, some long and some short. "I know you said he likes blue, but I brought the eggplant for you try, too. I think it'll be stunning on you." It was then that Missi noted the vampy little black corset with the red bows in her customer's hands.

"I would like to try this, too."

"Excellent choice. I'll let you get started, and I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes. If you need anything, my name's Missi, with an 'I'." She had no idea why she included that last detail.

Her client bowed her head slightly by way of introduction. "T'Pol."

Missi was glad the door shut; the Vulcan woman wouldn't see her running to her coworkers at the wrap desk. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! You guys-it's her! It's her!!"

"Who, 'her'?" Vernita said, sounding bored already.

"From the Enterprise," Missi said excitedly, trying to keep her voice low. "T'Pol! In our store!"

Vernita's eyes doubled in size. "Shut the fuck up!"

Dawn wrinkled her nose. "Who?"

Vernita slapped Dawn in the arm. "You know. Remember that whole thing last year? With Terra Prime? And that kid? It was all over the tabloids for months."

Dawn gasped as memory filled in the blanks for her. "Oh, yeah! The kid was hers, right? And that blond guy-the hottie!"

"The press releases all said she and that guy weren't in a relationship," Missi reminded them.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Vernita demanded incredulously. "It's Christmas. She's in our store, buying sexy drawers! You know she's been giving Commander Hottie the ol' 'ho, ho, ho' all along!"

Dawn clapped her hand over her mouth to keep from giggling too loud.

Missi's brow furrowed. "Wait, did you just call my customer a ho?"

"The point is," Vernita hissed, shaking her head, "they're doing it, and you're holding the g-string that proves it!"

Missi rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to go check on her."

Dawn bounced excitedly. "Tell us if she says anything about him."

"It seems he likes blue," Missi answered in a tone that suggested her coworkers were making a big deal out of nothing. Truth was, she was equally excited to have a hero-a celebrity!-shopping in her store, but she'd resolved to not be a complete spaz about it and act all starstruck. She felt like T'Pol had just gotten comfortable with her, and she wasn't going to screw that up!

Missi knocked on the fitting room door. "How are you doing in there? Are those sizes working out okay?"

The door opened a crack at first, then a little more. "I've heard Human women complain that certain garments make their posteriors appear 'fat.'" An uncertain pause, then, "Does this garment make my posterior appear fat?"

Peeking in, Missi fought down a pang of envy as she saw T'Pol in a silky deep purple camisole and boy short set. Honey, she wanted to tell her, even fat couldn't possibly make that ass of yours look fat! "It looks fine," she assured instead. "And I was right. The color is gorgeous on you." She dropped her voice conspiratorially. "It's sure to be a successful...cultural exchange study."

T'Pol's face remained unchanged, but Missi detected gratitude behind her eyes.

Desperate to break the moment before it got too weird for either party, Missi asked, "Can I take any of these out of here for you?"

T'Pol passed over a huge pile of garments and hangers, the racy red-bowed corset topping the pile. "I will take these..." And, after one last look in the mirror, she fingered the spaghetti strap of the camisole she wore. "And this."

Missi smiled brightly. "Great. You'll need some stockings to go with the corset. I'll just grab those, and I'll start getting everything wrapped for you."

Dawn and Vernita backed up a little as Missi spilled the pile of garments down onto the wrap counter.

"What's going on?" Dawn asked.

"Guys, she's buying, like, everything I showed her!'

Vernita whistled. "Looks like she plans to keep Commander Hottie busy for a while!"

"You don't even know it's him," Missi admonished, though believing all along Vernirta was probably right.

"Oh, it's him, alright," Dawn agreed certainly.

"How would you know?" Missi said, neatly folding coordinating bras and panties into pink tissue paper. "You didn't even know who they were at first."

"So what?" Dawn answered. "I get feelings about these things."

Vernita started to help with the wrapping. "All I know is, I wouldn't kick him out of bed...'cept to do him on the floor!"

Dawn covered her mouth again, close to losing it.

Missi tried to maintain decorum, though she had to admit it was kind of funny. "Be nice, you guys," she said over stifled giggles. "You don't want her to hear!"

They sobered to a point as T'Pol approached, depositing the camisole set onto the counter. Missi hoped the knowing looks and smiles were lost on her customer.

"Is that going to do it for you today?" Missi asked sweetly. She was partly sad to see her first celebrity customer go, but also undeniably relieved that her first experience serving a Vulcan would soon be over. Her nerves needed a break.

"Quite," came T'Pol's crisp answer. She produced her identification. "You can charge this to my account at Starfleet, correct?"

"Absolutely," Missi answered, taking the card to complete the transaction. "Thanks for coming in today, we appreciate your business. Have a great day!"

Missi was answered with an enigmatic eyebrow, but again that same sense of gratitude emanated from T'Pol's eyes. She looked on as Victoria's Secret's most unlikely customer left with four large shopping bags in hand-a customer with the perfect body, the perfect man, and aside from that awful Terra Prime business, the perfect life, as far as she could tell.

Smiling wistfully as the petite figure got lost in the crowded mall, Missi already had her New Year's Resolution in place, and it wasn't even Christmas yet.

The career fair would be back next month...and she was going to go see what that guy at the Starfleet booth had to say.













omg... wow. glad I stumbled across this one. It's made my day so much better


Ha! So it WAS all an insidious alien plot to kill Trip! She drops the robe and his head implodes as all of his blood rushes south.


I needed to laugh today.  You gave me the reason!  Thanks.  It sounds like you have had some experience in retail!  You never know what will come into use for a writer, eh?

My favorite lines:

"Their planet has stronger gravity than ours," she concluded authoritatively. "Must've developed sag-resistant boobs to deal with that or something, 'cause you ever notice how here, they're all perky? None of 'em ever needs a bra."

I wouldn't kick him out of bed...'cept to do him on the floor!"


Finally a reasonable science fiction explanation for why T'Pol looks so good.


Mmm.. I really like to go shopping now!;);)


Oh, lass.  You made my day...




Thanks, everyone!  I'm glad you enjoyed this.  Usually I don't play well with OCs, but I spent nearly 10 years in retail management before I started doing hair, so salesfloor chatter is something I know!  :p  Never really waited on much in the way of celebrities at work, though, my biggest "claim to fame" being the fact that I shampooed Ted Nugent's wife's hair and played with his kid when I was assisting at a salon in Ann Arbor, and once I got my license a dj at the local country station was my regular for a while.  :)

But I digress.

Thank you all for reading and commenting.  It means a lot.  :D


Wait... I need to catch my breath from laughing so much to actually write... This was one of the most hilarious fics I've read in a very long time. The saleswomen were so freaking funny...


What can I say that hasn't already been said. This was so well written like a candid camera vignet but in words. All the dialogue was so accurate even T'Pol's. I loved the vulcan no sag boobs!!!!!!!!! if only=everything drops south the older we get and even sexy lingerie doesn't help. But after reading this I'm laughing enough not to care.


 I can't wipe the smile off my face.  I love "slice of life" pieces.  This has it all, it's funny as hell, sexy, awkward etc.  i could really see T'Pol going there and buying that stuff, too!


Wish two things: 50 years off  my age and my name is Trip  Tucker.  That is one  lucky  guy.

Wish there was a photo of T-Pol modelling those garmets. probably bring in a fortune. enough to start up  Enterprise again.

Great story.



The Middleman

I really enjoyed reading this story; I smiled the entire time I was reading this. I do wish we could have seen more of T'Pol interacting with "regular folk". This was a great scenario you set up here.


As everyone else has already said, this was a delight.  I'm glad T'Pol has traded her Trellium-D addiction in for a sexy underwear addiction.  :p  That's a cute ending, too.


Damnedly cute!:p


Sorry, Aquarius. :( Your story is so hilarious :D that I forgot my mundane twofold coping process for my review from Word through NotePad to posting.


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Thank you for such fresh look at T'Pol! It was amusing to see as these two inexperienced in such deal interact. I like that Missi's training was adequate and thorough and she was able to notice all details of T'Pol's reaction. It was indeed superb funny POV. The gossiping others were a nice addition.


Absolutely adorable. A really fun piece of fluff - with genuine lessons learned by both T'Pol and Missi. Nice job. 


Hahahahaha! This is so funny that my mother came to my room worried when I literally fell from my chair laughing. This is hilarious! And I LOVE the saleswomen, they look very real :D

Best parts:

"There's no way those are real," Dawn was saying.

Vernita scoffed. "Vulcans don't get boob jobs."

"Yeah, but she's so..."

Vernita considered for a moment. "Their planet has stronger gravity than ours," she concluded authoritatively. "Must've developed sag-resistant boobs to deal with that or something, 'cause you ever notice how here, they're all perky? None of 'em ever needs a bra."

"Hey," Dawn said breathlessly, "maybe we'll get the record for selling the first bra to a Vulcan?"

And, of course:

Missi was glad the door shut; the Vulcan woman wouldn't see her running to her coworkers at the wrap desk. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! You guys-it's her! It's her!!"

"Who, 'her'?" Vernita said, sounding bored already.

"From the Enterprise," Missi said excitedly, trying to keep her voice low. "T'Pol! In our store!"

Vernita's eyes doubled in size. "Shut the fuck up!"

Bwahahaha! Perfect job! Your talent is AWESOME. Thanks for this funny story, it made my day :D



Ok, having worked retail in my youth, that was sooo spot on. This is my favorite of all your work. The conversations are just so real. I sat here and laughed myself silly.

I bow to your crowning achievement in girl talk. I'm glad T'Pol got the sweet salesgirl, since it was a pleasant experience maybe she will go back. More good luck for Trip.

T'Pol does indeed have the pefect body for their wares :D This was just wonderful.


I absolutely love the original story, but this prequel is just as great :D T'Pol shopping for skimpy underwear - that's comedy gold :D:D


Sag-resistant boobs!  :D LOL! :D  Maybe that's what I need -- a little excursion to Vulcan.

Aquarius, I have to admit I'm envious.  You have the most natural, easy going writing style.  Your words just flow beautifully.  The humor is just wonderful because it isn't forced.  It seems to come naturally from the situation and the type of characters you've selected to inhabit your story.

Given the quantity of T'Pol's purchases, I'd say that Commander Tucker is going to be one very tired guy.  He's going to have to be careful or people are going to start asking about the silly grin on his face.  T'Pol sure knows how to get and keep her man.

You just made my New Year a whole lot brighter.  What a great story to start 2010!  Thank you. 

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